Monday, January 11, 2016
A Political Party for 2016
Last week, respected political scientists who measure the effectiveness of Conservative political activity at the Conservative Accountability Project (CAP) finally issued their long-awaited report about why Republicans never stood a chance at winning the 2012 Presidential Election and provided some direction regarding coming up with a winning message.
First, Romney was right. 47% would never vote for him, no matter what. Those people were dependent upon government, believed they were victims, believed the government had a responsibility to care for them, believed they were entitled to health care, food, housing, and all the free stuff they could get their hands on. These people paid no income tax.
It was easy for Obama to buy these voters, because all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones on Channel 5, didn’t have the slightest idea of what they were voting for, and now they’re getting exactly what they deserve (along with the rest of us, unfortunately).
Other reasons included the Devolution of the American Culture During the Obama Administration, Acceptance of the New Dull Normal, Lack of Turnout, the Republican Consultant Lobbyist Establishment, and the Biased News Media that couldn’t have been more corrupt. These factors turned the 47% who would never vote for Romney in the first place into the 53% who voted for Obama.
The problem in America these days is: there’s no longer any personal accountability. Our nation is obsessed with American Idol and Reality TV. Celebrity rules! Religion is outdated. Morals are passé. Gay marriages are Fabulous. You just can’t be politically correct enough. We no longer have any principles in business or politics. No one has the courage of his convictions. Forget the rule of law. Whatever polls say people want is OK, and character still don’t mean crap. So let’s face it: you might just as well get used to living in the Divided States of America during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term. We’re in for a bumpy ride for the next 375 days, unless he’s impeached.
All of these things were greatly on our mind as we rode home from a big pancake breakfast at the House of Flapjacks on Sunday, but the only really substantive topic of discussion was when our back seat driver asked which politician had come up with the idea of pancake breakfasts to rally political support.
So we asked Whistleblower Research Bureau Chief Fearless Ferret to investigate and he said pancake breakfasts were a tradition first practiced by the “Free Grain Party.”
The Free Grain Party believes government should just be eliminated so people can just help themselves to what other people have, and if Republicans would only incorporate a little more selfishness into their message, the GOP might possibly win a national election sometime in the future.
Here’s How the Free Grain Party Began
Hurley the Historian says during the depression that followed the Civil War, many people were hungry. They all sat around starving, until one man had suffered enough. John Barleycorn finally decided to do something about it.
A latter-day Robin Hood, Barleycorn plundered the storehouses of the rich and passed out free grain to all those in need. “Help Yourself!” he told them all.
One night, some people followed his example. They also looted the storehouses of the rich. “Help Yourself!” they chanted as they filled their grain sacks.
Then, on John Barleycorn’s birthday, they celebrated at a pancake breakfast to honor the man who had taught them self-reliance. That was the first Free Grain Party.
But What About the Free Grain Party Today?
John Barleycorn may be gone, but his spirit lives on in many Members of the Free Grain Party, who are still said to be under his influence.
The Free Grain Party still stands as the last refuge of anyone willing to help himself from the stores of others.
This includes all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
John Barleycorn’s birthday is still Free Grain Party Day. And eating pancakes with someone you love still symbolizes the rewards of America’s equal gluttony as long as somebody else is picking up the tab.
Free Grain Party Opinion Poll
Political parties use public opinion polls to find out how people feel about things. So Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is commissioning his own survey. Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen carefully designed another Whistleblower Web Poll to let us know how you feel about the important issues of the day. Just asking your opinion should make you think you really care.
1. The next president of the United States should be:
(a) An inexperienced black teenager
(b) A Muslim Terrorist
(c) Hillary Clinton
(d) An internet publisher writing political satire
2. This country would be a better place by:
(a) Encouraging prejudice
(b) Increasing taxes
(c) More government handouts
(d) Eating pancakes
3. The best way to solve the Iranian crisis would be to:
(b) Nuke Ahmadinejad
(c) Ignore them
(d) Stop trade and foreign aid to everyone who doesn’t support us
4. How can we solve the energy crisis:
(a) Turn old people into gasoline
(b) Tax the oil companies
(c) Sell gas for $10-per-gallon
(d) Stay home and wear sweaters
FREE GRAIN PARTY HOT LINE
e-mail your survey responses today
Some self-serving items in today’s Blower were sent in by our self-serving subscribers.
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