SATURDAY, JANUARY 2, 2016

Our New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Sarcastic!

Last week, The Blower published the New Year Year’s Resolutions for some of our local celebrities. They were the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions, because any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you might have seen published elsewhere were surely fake. Now we know 2016 has hardly begun, but let’s take a look to see how some our resolvers are doing anyway, just for fun.

GOP HOUSE SPEAKER PAUL RYNO: Hasn’t yet been voted out by Republicans as Speaker of the House after a new poll showed Republican voters nationwide overwhelmingly want their House representative to elect somebody else.

OBAMA: Trying not to get impeached during the next 384 days.

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL FRONT-RUNNER DONALD TRUMP is resolved to upset the entire political establishment every chance he gets during the 2016 campaign.

DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT THE POSITIVELY WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE, AND GET ALL OF THEIR INFORMATION FROM OUR OBAMA SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS: Not even worried about how much ObamaCare is going to cost them in 2016.

DISCOURAGED DEMOCRATS: Still unable to find an alternative to Hillary in 2016.

LIBERAL LIARS are worried tensions that have erupted between NYC Mayor de Blasio and the city’s police unions are casting a giant shadow over the mayor’s bid to bring the DemocRAT National Convention to Brooklyn.

OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR KASICH: Trying to be included in the January 14 Presidential Debate in Charleston, especially if Fox News will only allow the top six candidates on the prime time event.

ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Can’t stop worrying about all that support from that 1.6% of the population who are actually Sodomy Rites Practitioners.

DAVID A. PEPPER: As Ohio’s New DemocRAT Party Boss, he’s wondering how he’s going to teach all those Defeated DemocRATS how to win like he did.

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Says on tomorrow’s in 1995 the 104th Congress became the first held entirely under Republican control since the Eisenhower era. Thanks to Newt Gingrich and his “Contract with America,” the Republican Party won majority control of Congress for the first time in forty years. And with the RINOs we have running the party these days, we’re still waiting to see if it’ll be at least another 40 years of Wandering in the Wilderness with the GOP having taken control of both Houses of Congress in 2014.

TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Still have another 311 days to figure out ways to cheat at the 2016 Elections on November 8.

CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN has already agreed to return as Grand Marshal at the Backstabbers Day Parade on March 15, where he’ll again be leading Clowncilman Flynn Flam and the rest of the Stupid Streetcar Six along the route of the Trolley Folly.

CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK wonders if he could officiate if two guys got married on top of a float, just like at last year’s Rose Bowl Parade.

CINCINNATI DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY is resolved not to be forced to apologize as often this year.

AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION still promises to make fun of local politicians, just like when he sent The Blower this picture of Hamilton County Demo Labor Party Boss Tim Burka trying to counsel Ditzy Democrat Hamilton County Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter not to run for office while she’s still facing another trial.

HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP is still trying to prove his innocence after being accused of hacking The Blower’s Web Page last Christmas Eve.

DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA is still finding it hard to decide which resolution was more important last year—writing letters to The Fishwrap defending Ditzy DemocRAT Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter trying to locate Republican Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ missing change of address card.

YOUR DISINGENUOUS DOUBLE-DIPPING DEMOCRAT AUDITOR: Getting trying to explain to every outraged Hamilton Country resident exactly how his office came up with their Fair Property Values on his Triennial Update.

CONGRESSMEN STEVE CHABOTHEAD AND PODIATRIST “BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP, still hoping voters won’t question their votes for the Republican Spending Bill that gave Obama everything he wanted and more.

DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER is resolved to do everything possible to stay out of jail.

IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: Probably still won’t be paying attention.

CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN says he’s still hoping it was worth paying Andy Dalton all those millions of dollars after tomorrow’s final regular season game of the year tomorrow against the Baltimore Ravens.

REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: are sure there will be plenty of good increases to support in 2016.

FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS will be still doing their best to help the region go from bad to diverse, as long as they’re still in business.

WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says she will soon reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”

CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE: is still resolved to accept all of his $2.2 million salary in 2016, even though the Bearcats embarrassed themselves in 2015 once again during post-season, this time against the San Diego State Aztecs at the Hawaii Bowl on Christmas Eve.

TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN wonders why one of his old supporters is now running against him in a primary next year.

COAST’S LITIGIOUS LAWYER CHRIS FINNEY is still resolved in 2016 to have to a Christmas Party where any political wannabee could get in for free, but would still had to pay for his own food and drinks.

“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT: is looking for a huge groundswell of support when she unrolls her political comeback campaign in 2016 and assigns all of her students at Chatfield College (wherever the hell that is) to work on her campaign.

CITIZENS FOR COMMUNITY VALUES PRESIDENT PHIL BURR-ASS: Is totally resolved to keep the homo fires burning in 2016.

FORREST GUMP SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS are hoping Over-taxed Payers aren’t too shocked when they see their next property tax bills after engineering that $103 million Tax Hike money that will really cost dumbed-down voters $170 million.

ANDERSON TEA PARTY TRUSTEE ANDY PAPPAS can hardly wait to start campaigning for Hamilton County Commissioner against Disingenuous DemocRAT Odd Todd Opportune in 2016.

TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Are hoping once again to become “relevant” in 2016, since they were totally absorbed by the Republican Party in 2014.

BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO knows he needs to work harder to find a few more good NoKY snitches.

U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL is resolved to wait as long as possible before dropping out of the 2016 Republican Race.

KENTUCKY CONSERVATIVE CONGRESSMAN THOMAS MASSIE is resolved to let everybody know, he didn’t cave in to Obama the way Chabothead and Wenstrup did.

NoKY DEMOCRAT DOMINATRIX KATHY GROOB says she really sorry for that time she called Bitch McConnell’s wife a “chink.”

KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS: we can always count on his weekly This Week In Kenton Circuit Court newsletter to be full of felons’ ugly mug shots in 2016

THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB) resolves not to forget tokeep sending The Blower along with the Kentucky Bar Association all that good stuff every time Crazy Eric steps in it.

MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH failed tolearn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.

HORNY IN HEBRON says we should check out the Facebooks for some of those Wilder Women.

MISS VICKI: says she hasn’t forgotten to call Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about getting together “after the holidays.”

OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH says, “So much for my New Year’s Resolutions.” But you couldn’t break ‘em, if you didn’t make ‘em.”

QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE chose Dave Beard’s “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”

WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES say we’re resolved as we hear something bad about somebody, we’ll e-mail it to The Blower immediately even if we’re at work!

BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE says there’s little chance he’ll ever forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”

FINALLY, WHISTLEBLOWER INTERNS are so far keeping KANE’S Surprise Birthday Party next week a secret, because they know he never looks at the Countdown Calendar on the lower right hand corner of the web page.

Seediest Kids of All

The Mikey Brown Story

Today’s Seediest Kid of All is Poor Little Mikey Brown, a portly pantload from Indian Hill, who wanted to win the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition to please his dad, who was a real football fanatic. Poor Little Mikey dreamed of standing at mid-field during halftime, where a stadium full of fans would cheer him, and everybody else at home would see him on TV.

So the Seediest Kids of All sent over some professional football coaches, who taught him everything they knew.

Unfortunately, at the Punt, Pass, and Kick Competition, Poor Little Mikey’s punt went a total of six yards, he fumbled the ball attempting to pass, and he tripped over the tee when he tried to kick the ball. On second thought, maybe we shouldn’t have sent over the Bungals coaching staff. At least he didn’t embarrass himself in front of a stadium full of people, since the stands were empty, and since it was a Bungals home playoff game, nobody saw it at home because as usual, because the game was blacked out on TV.

The Brown family called to express their gratitude to for all our help, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your guilt and over-taxed payer dollars throughout the year which make it all possible.