WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 27, 2016

Presidents Way Crazier Than Trump
By Oren Mendez

We’ve all heard the countless times Trump went on national television and discussed his strange fascination with his daughter, Ivanka, stating that she’s very attractive and that he would gladly marry her if he weren’t her dad. But president Grover Cleveland took this to a whole new level when he did, in a way, marry his own daughter.

Cleveland first met his future wife and first lady Frances Folsom, shortly after her birth, as he was a close friend of her father. But when her father died in 1875, Cleveland was granted his estate when Frances was only 11. Though he was never legally appointed as her guardian, Cleveland did take some responsibilities towards the girl. Once she was in college, the two started a romantic partnership that led to marriage and to Frances becoming the youngest first lady in history, at the age of 21.

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Trump talks a lot of shit, but let’s talk this little piece of trivia about President Lyndon B Johnson that involves shit.  Basically, the man used to conduct interviews from the bathroom. Johnson would often find himself quite busy, and in an attempt to speed things up, would ask reporters and aides to accompany him to the bathroom when he needed to go, to refrain from having to halt the conversation. Reports say Johnson would often be okay with exposing his genitals during these bathroom chats, to men and women alike, which is way weirder than just sending dick pics.

Johnson had to be sworn in as President following the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. Reports say that after visiting Lincoln’s deathbed, Johnson got very inebriated and even passed out for several minutes. To quickly get him ready for his swearing-in ceremony, a doctor was called to check his puffy eyes, and a barber was called to clean up his mud-filled hair. This wasn’t even Johnson’s first drunken inauguration, as he had also reportedly shown up drunk to Lincoln’s second inauguration ceremony. Somehow, this managed to be the high point of his presidency…

Trying to progress the technology of his time, Harrison was proud to be the first President to introduce electricity to the White House. However, although he was the most powerful man in the world, Harrison was too afraid to touch the light switches himself, fearing he would get electrocuted. Harrison and his wife would end up often sleeping with the lights on.

Let’s try to avoid imagining what Donald Trump might do in the White House if he ever got to live there, and instead focus on the fact that John Quincy Adams used to take off all his clothes every morning, and have a nude swim in the Potomac river. (How is the thought of a pasty old man ass less unpleasant than the thought of a Trump presidency?)

This quirky little habit of his also brought to a breaking of a historical glass ceiling, when reporter Ann Royall became the first female reporter to interview a U.S. president. Knowing he enjoyed skinny dipping every morning, she waited for him, sitting on his pile of clothes, and refusing to get up until he agreed to be interviewed.

Andrew Jackson had a strange little hobby which, unlike most of his hobbies, didn’t involve genocide. Word is Old Hickory passed the time by teaching his pet parrot curse words. At Jackson’s own funeral, the parrot chimed in and let out an array of curse words that were deemed so loud and long that he had to be removed from the hall. If Trump had a pet parrot, it would probably have its own verified Twitter account.

Letting his power go a little too much into his head, President Herbert Hoover deemed it acceptable for his young son, Allen, to keep two alligators as pets. The two reptiles would often crawl around the White House ground, surely terrifying everyone. (Two alligators is still less terrifying than Hoover’s laissez faire approach to fixing the Great Depression, amiright? Hahahaha! FUCK YOU HERBERT HOOVER!)

Ok yeah, I already did Cleveland in the start of this article, but this one is too crazy to ignore. Apparently, before becoming president, Cleveland served as the sheriff of Erie County, New York. When Patrick Morrissey was convicted of killing his own mother, Cleveland decided to take full advantage of his position and perform the execution himself, by hanging. Morrissey wasn’t even the only person Cleveland executed personally. This was followed by yet another hanging of a man named John Gaffney.

TLDR: Don’t fuck with Grover Cleveland…

Now For Some More Trump Bashing, Maybe Fox News Would Like To Run This Video During Thursday Night’s Trumpless Debate!