THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2016

If It Snows A Lot Tomorrow Afternoon, It Could Be Whiter Than The Oscars

Whistleblower Weather-guesser Delkus Apuozzo says it was hard for Local TV News Directors to choose their lead stories today: Incivility at Cincinnati City Hall, where Cranley and Clowncil were playing the “George Carlin Seven Dirty Words Game,” where players see how often they can be quoted in the news media using words like “Shit,” “Piss,” Fuck,” “Cunt,” “Cocksucker,” “Motherfucker,” and “Tits” in derogatory comments about each other, or the Cold Winter Weather.

Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall said at least nobody’s talking about The Bungles these days.

TV 5 Weather Guessers said it was so cold last night, our brass monkey wanted to come in from the porch.

Local 12 Weather Authority said they even sent one of their lily white reporters to Bond Hill to ask one of da brothers how cold a motherfucker is.

Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Neil said our prisoners almost rioted because of all that weather crap on TV. They claimed making them watch it was cruel and unusual punishment.

Recently, The Blower explained the origin of “Colder than a witch’s tit” and today Wendy the Witch said Channel Nine called last night to ask for a “nipple check.”

Maybe tomorrow we should explain the meaning of “cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.”

Whistleblower Fact Checkers wondered if anybody remembers November 1, 2013, two months before today’s assault by record low temperatures, when Obama warned “Excessively high temperatures” were “already” harming public health nationwide?

Everybody Who’s Ever Seen “A Christmas Story” thought the best winter weather story of the week was when that 12-year-old New Hampshire girl got her tongue stuck to a flagpole after licking it during a blizzard.

Michelle the Mooch said please don’t ask how much it costing over-taxed payers for the Obama family to stay warm in Hawaii at over-taxed payers’ expense during the holidays.

You can get your own slightly used copy of “The Politically Incorrect Guide to Global Warming and Environmentalism” for $free (except for a paltry $13.95 for shipping and handling) if you join the Conservative Book Club.

And how about all those freakin’ “Cancellations?” You can’t enjoy watching TV seeing all those places being closed because of the weather. The Blower says wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to assume everything was closed and then let them just announce the couple of places that were open? Bobby Leach says “Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.”

And why do they have to close all the schools anyway? It’s not because of the weather. It’s because of their lawyers. Schools don’t want to get sued for a million dollars every time some little bastard slips on the ice, because they couldn’t clear the student parking lot.

Working parents have to scramble to find babysitters, mistakenly thinking their wonderful children would be back in school after being home during the holiday vacations.

BREAKING NEWS: One of our Whistleblower Interns found a new use for duct tape. He put it across the bottom of his TV screen so he didn’t have to watch all those school closings. Wouldn’t it be easier just to announce what’s still open? Or how just about flashing a message that says: “Everything’s closed. Stay home, Stupid!

Would you like to see why it takes the City of Cincinnati so long to get the snow off the streets? Check out your over-taxed dollars at work.

Gone-But-Not-Forgotten Former Anderson Trustee President “In Russ We Trust” Jackson says, “We never had to declare ice or snow emergencies in our affluent community, because all our township roads are heated.” Current Trustee President Andy Pappas told everybody on Facebook he got the last roll of toilet paper in Kroger’s at the Anderson Food Court. And whenever it’s really cold, Disgraced and Defeated Former Dis-Trustee Kevin O’Brien doesn’t let it all hang out. One of the Sheriff’s Department’s “Citizens on Patrol” reported she saw a couple eating each other in one of the parked cars at the Food Court, but snow flurries had only just started and the woman didn’t think the couple in the car were really cannibals.

Whistleblower Weather Watcher Tino Delgato sent us this Native American Indian Weather Broadcast straight off of a reservation TV station in North Dakota: Finally, we have a weather report that doesn’t take 10 minutes to explain with multiple graphics and words that you have no clue as to what they mean. This is direct and to the point!

Meanwhile, Duffy “The Doppler Slayer” Beischel says is God really being sued because of climate change. If you don’t believe it, read this!

Remember last week when Bunky Tadwell sent us a copy of his poem entitled “Winter” that simply said, “Jesus H. Christ, it’s cold out there! (The end)?” Well today, the Bard of Cleves has a fast four-liner about our climate:

            They say there is Global Warming,
            But if I may be so crass;
            This friggin’ Global Warming,
            Is really freezing my ass!

The only thing better than owning a snow blower during the winter would be if your next door neighbor didn’t have to go into work, and he’d just bought a brand new snow blower, and he was begging you to let him try it out on your driveway.

And what about the City of Cincinnati’s outdated Winter Operations Information, which appears to be just a little out-of-date.

We remember a few years ago when they told all the businesses to let their employees go home early and turned the normal three-hour afternoon drive period time into an eight-hour ordeal for everybody, and folks waiting at home could watch every excruciating moment on the Artimis web site. And did all those folks who shivered on Metro buses with no heat for more than three hours just to get home from downtown at least get a partial refund?

In Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “What a bunch of wussies! Three flakes of snow and the Boondoggle County Snow Plow Drivers Training Classes were called off.”

— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer—

Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Winter Wussies to show that always complaining about the weather is not appropriate in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t frozen stiff.

This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially “Randy” from “A Christmas Story.”

GLOBAL WARMING HOT LINE

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