THURSDAY, JANUARY 7, 2016
Especially If You Get Presents Every Day, Too!
Guests have already begun to arrive for this tonight’s celebrity dinner for Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s “insignificant” birthday that was supposed to be a surprise. Do you think “Mean Jean” Schmidt will be jumping out of the cake like she did last year?
Miss Vicki sent him an e-card.
Our Revered Former Congressman used the “Happy Birthday” ap to send “Happy Birthday” Greetings on his iPhone.
But our Virtual Redhead Vivacious Vicky was among a big bunch of people to Happy Birthday greetings on Kane’s Faux Facebook Page.
Good Grief! It’s hard to imagine how many people would ignore The Blower’s standard “No More Social Networking On The Job” warning at the bottom of our web page by wasting their employers’ time during working hours sending birthday greetings to a fictitious Facebook character.
On the other hand, Mrs. Kane even invited her wonderful husband to lunch because some new Chinese Restaurant in Anderson had a birthday special with a $10-off Birthday Coupon. The missus must’ve had a cancellation. And those birthday text messages from Hillary (asking us to donate to become a member of Team Hillary) and Beechmont Toyota (offering a discount oil change) were really special. Kane’s former assistant “Cratchit” sent gold, frankincense, and myrrh. How Biblical was that? But the bad news is: for the past six years, our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher has no longer been a “sextegenarian.” We suppose that now makes him an “over-sexed-tegenearian.”
And ever since that Muslim attack on Free Speech in France, where Murdering Muslims targeted a specific type of speech that is known as “sarcasm,” Homeland Security decided to protect institutional Sarcastic Free Speech here in United States by putting an illegal alien rent-a-cop outside the undisclosed location of Kane’s Celebrity Birthday Lunch today. Meanwhile, our “Liberals Tell the Stupidest Lies” Award Committee reports every Obama Supporter in the Press couldn’t stop repeating the Obama White House claim that Islam is a religion of peace.
Kane remembers how the Incredibly Shrinking Fishwrap celebrated Kane’s Birthday Bash last year. What could be better than a picture of John Boehner trying to stick his tongue in Nancy Pelosi’s ear? Which was better than the year before, when we couldn’t even see it on the internet because of that “temporary service interruption in our area” Time Warner apologized for each of the 87 times we called, especially when we told them we couldn’t even get to our home page on the internet, because it was Time Warner’s Roadrunner.com. Oh, the Irony!
Hurley the historian says on January 7, 1999, Kane got a really great birthday present with the opening of the impeachment trial began in the Senate for Pants-Dropper-in-Chief Bill Clinton, who’d been formally charged with lying under oath and obstructing justice.
The Blower remembers when Maurice Chevalier said “Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.”
Finally, 25 years ago, The Whistleblower had already begun its tradition of counting down the days until the next election, like when we reported that Ken Blackwell’s ‘92 campaign against Charlie Luken had already begun. Other items in Edition #32 published on January 8, 1991 included At the Dirty Movies with Weikel and Leis, and Jim Cissell’s Top Ten Reasons former Cincinnati City Residents gave for leaving the city.
