MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2016

But It Seems Like Everybody Else Did

WHISTLEBLOWER RELIGIOUS EDITOR FIELDING MELLISH says he can hardly believe it. This morning is the first time ever we haven’t received phony baloney e-mails from every politician in the universe wishing us a “Happy Jewish New Year.” Not even Obama, Hillary, the Disingenuous DemocRATS supporting Obama’s Stupid Deal with Iran to Destroy Israel, or Republicans forgetting to put Trump signs in their yards. For Christ’s sake, we didn’t even get a Happy Jewish New Year card from Rob Portman, looking for the Jewish Same-Sex Marriage vote.

There was no mention of the Jewish New Year on the front page of The Liberal Conspiracy Fishwrap, either. 

But what do the Goyim know about celebrating the Jewish New Year, anyway? The Blower remembers at the Hamilton County RINO Party, when Alex T., Mall Cop GOP sent out an e-mail dated “September 24, 2014” instead of sending out an e-mail dated “Tishri 1, 5775.”

It’s a good thing Hamilton County Republicans and DemocRATS didn’t schedule a pair of Really Important Hamilton County Commissioner Debates featuring Odd Todd Opportune versus Andy Pappas and “JayWalking Joe Deters’ Brother Dennis versus Crooked Hillary’s Local Spokesperson Denise Driehaus) tonight on Jewish New Year.

And it’s a good thing there weren’t many important political fund-raisers planned for today, since politicians like sports teams always seem to overlook the “Jewish New Year Day” conflict when planning their events.

But Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo says, “Today on the Jewish New Year, I’ll be trying really HARD to find some Jews in Northern Kentucky to wish a Happy Holiday.

Rick “The Bat Boy” Robinson says, “Maybe the CamBoozler should’ve called me, since those Graydon Head Christmas Parties I used to host at the Fort Mitchell County Club were well known for being the only place Jews have ever been made to feel welcome in Northern Kentucky, but only since 2003.”  

Whistleblower Alternate Lifestyles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis along with Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback volunteered to “Blow the Shofar” on Jewish New Year’s, not knowing “The Shofar” was a ceremonial ram’s horn, blown to usher in the Jewish New Year, not the limo driver. 

Meanwhile, Anti-Semitic Kentucky write-in Senate candidate Robert Ransdell wishes he were running for something again so he could put up “With Jews We Lose” signs to celebrate the Jewish New Year in Florence, and Erlanger, KY’s National CAIR Board Chair Roula Allouch isn’t telling us how her organization is making the world safer for people of all religions. At least she won’t be honoring Obama’s Racebaiter# 1 Al Sharpton at her our Council on American Islamic Relations’ Annual Banquet like she did two years ago.

Our Good Friend Bobby Leach says, “Maybe all those Jewish guys are checking out this link about restoring your foreskin using scotch tape. And Whistleblower Religious Editor Fielding Mellish says, “Who cares how you spell Rosh Hashanah anyway.

Finally, Part-time Rabbinical Scholar Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says he can’t wait to wish “Happy New Year” to everybody at the Lyons YMCA in Anderson this afternoon just to see if they tell him, “Thanks, funny, you don’t look Jewish.” Or maybe he’ll just use a lot of Yiddish expressions when he’s talking to the guys in the Liberal Locker Room, just to see the looks on their faces.

More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our September fund-raising drive from Sergeant Slaughter’s Army Surplus Store in Florence Kentucky, featuring authentic Israeli gas masks during today’s Jewish New Year’s Day Sale.