MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2016
Real Lawyer Jokes
Lately there’s been a lot of talk about lawyers in The Blower. A lot of elected officials and politicians we make fun of are lawyers. Some of our best snitches are lawyers. Many of our subscribers are lawyers, prosecutors, and judges, not to mention all those defense attorneys who used to claim to be our Faux Facebook “Friends.” Some Former Presidents of the American Bar Association have even been known to have read The Blower. A few members of the League of Women Vipers might even be lady lawyers. And some of the people who file frivolous lawsuits against The Blower are also lawyers (who have fools for clients), at least until they are suspended or disbarred.
No wonder our Quote for Today Committee chose Shakespeare’s “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” That is, except members of the Whistleblower Legal Dream Team and most members of that Cabal Still out to destroy “Crazy Eric” Deters, Esquire, Including Lovely Lisa Wells (The Attorney Who Replaced Crazy Eric On WLW Hate Radio).
At the same time, many attorneys have commented about items in The Blower’s 20th Anniversary Editions we published six years ago.
Now one gun-toting, Hummer-driving Bluegrass prosecutor even said that 26-year-old item about hunting lawyers in Edition #21 should be updated. Hurley the Historian says Dick Cheney was just following our rules on that quail-hunting trip in 2006 when he shot his lawyer in the face.
So lest we be accused of promoting assassinations, here’s today’s updated satirical offering showing what happened on a recent lawyer-hunting trip in Northern Kentucky.
2016 Attorney Hunting Season Rules and Bag Limits
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “whiplash,” “ambulance,” or “free Scotch” for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships or Porsche.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess them.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and oral diarrhea.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits on All Other Types
- Slimy Patent and trademark wimp: (10)
- Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder: (2)
- Two-faced Tort Teaser: (1)
- Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator: (4)
- Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only): (3)
- Big-mouthed Puss Gut: (2)
- Honest Attorney: (EXTINCT)
- Cut-throat: (2)
- Back-stabbing Whiner: (2)
- Brown-nosed Judge Kisser: (2)
- Silver-tongued Drug Defender: ($100 BOUNTY)
- Mealy Mouth Civil Libertarian: (7)
Isn’t it amazing that twenty-six years later the same rules still apply? But today The Blower just needs a bigger bag.
So these are your Official 2014 Attorney Hunting Season Rules and Bag Limits. And Our Attorney Bernie says any other Attorney Hunting Season Rules and Bag Limits after October 16, 1990 (the date Edition #21 was first published) must surely be a fake.
DISCREDITED LAWYER HOT LINE
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Some discredited lawyer items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally discredited lawyer subscribers.
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