More “Political Punch Lines” E-dition


TUESDAY, JULY 19, 2016

Today, jokewriters all over America will probably be making jokes about the Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Meanwhile, Last Night On Late Night TV 

  • The Republican National Convention started today — and we’re now just a week away from the Democratic Convention. Both have an important case to make: Who would be better at creating peace between Kim Kardashian and Taylor Swift?
  • The Republican National Convention started today and Donald Trump spent the past several days preparing his acceptance speech, while Chris Christie spent the past two weeks blowing up balloons.
  • Last night, Trump and Mike Pence actually sat down for a joint interview on “60 Minutes.” And Pence said that if he has differences with Donald Trump, he would, quote, “walk into the president’s office, close the door, and share my heart.” Even the guys on “The Bachelorette” were like, “GROSS!”
  • Over on the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders gave a 23-minute speech at a conference last week after he endorsed Hillary Clinton, but he didn’t mention her by name. Though people had a pretty good idea who he was referring to when he mentioned “Moneybags McPantsuit.”


  • After what seems like nine years, tonight is finally the first night of the Republican National Convention and they are bringing out the big guns. So be careful — they’re Republicans.
  • Donald Trump has selected mega-star Scott Baio to speak at the convention. I will give you a minute to Google who that is. To tell you how irrelevant Scott Baio is, I had to have his name phonetically spelled in the teleprompter because it looks like “by-o.”


  • The only thing more confusing than Pokémon Go is the Republican National Convention, which is under way in Cleveland. They say there haven’t been this many white people at the Quicken Loans Arena since the night they double-booked Jimmy Buffett and Kenny G.
  • A number of key Republicans are skipping the convention. Jeb Bush, instead of traveling to Cleveland, spent the night home crying.
  • Apparently Trump was unsure about the guy he was choosing for vice president all the way down to the wire. They say he wanted to dump Gov. Mike Pence at midnight the night before the announcement — which would have made him a Pence dispenser.


  • Quicken Loans Arena, home to the NBA champion Cleveland Cavaliers, is hosting the Republican Convention this week. And just like the Cavs’ starting lineup, the convention is expected to have four black people.
  • After Jeb Bush’s decision not to attend this week’s Republican National Convention, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich called him a “bad loser.” Said Jeb, “Actually I’m a great loser! I do it all the time! It’s what I’m best at!”
  • Donald Trump’s campaign manager Paul Manafort told reporters that, quote, “Once Donald Trump is accepted by the American people as someone who can be president, the race will be over with.” By which I assume he meant the human race.
  • Bernie Sanders is scheduled speak on the first night of next week’s Democratic National Convention. Leave it to Bernie to grab the early bird special.


  • You may not know this but you’re not supposed to see the candidate before the nomination, let alone on the first night. That’s like the bride not only being seen on her wedding day but jumping out of the cake at the bachelor party.
  • There was drama this afternoon as the Stop Trump Movement tried to change the rules so they wouldn’t be forced to vote for Trump on the first ballot, and when that was unsuccessful, the delegates from Colorado just walked out. And look at what time the Colorado delegates walked out — 4:20, my friends! This is the perfect time to walk out. They might not have been mad. They might have been a little snacky.
  • Last night Trump and Pence gave their first joint interview on “60 Minutes” — of course, the same amount of time Trump spent learning about Mike Pence before choosing him.

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