TODAY IS
SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2022
TRUMP’S FOUR-HUNDRED-AND-FIFTY-FIRST DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND TODAY THIS DIDN’T TAKE LONG
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
We used to be able to get some really important people like presidents, vice presidents, and governors to throw out the first pitch at our Opening Day games. We’ve also used Lou Piniella (the last Reds Manager to win a World Series), local losers like Mark Mallory and Odd Todd, an over-the-hill recording artist like Nick Lachey, retired Reds broadcasters, police chiefs, and sheriffs, to Joe Torre, losing manager of Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, and three years ago we had to use some of our old Reds relief pitchers like Nasty Boys (Norm Charlton, Rob Dibble and Randy Myers). Two years ago we were all business when we chose David Joyce, president and CEO of GE Aviation, but last year the best we could do was Lawrenceburg, Indiana native Nick Goepper, who won the silver medal in slopestyle (whatever the hell that is) at the recently completed Winter Olympics in Pyeongchang, South Korea). The next year year, we were back to baseball with Eric Davis. —Señor Bob Castellini
Wouldn’t it be funny if politicians were not permitted to have entries in our Opening Day Parade and some of them walked anyway without being registered or paying the fees? —Findlay Market Parade Committee
We also need a new logo since we changed our name to get rid of the Black Lives Matter label, because the national leaders profited from deaths of black people while doing little to help their grieving families. —Mass Action for Black Liberation (formerly called Black Lives Matter: Cincinnati (BLMC)
This year I pranced with the Gay Bakers. —Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback
This year I wasn’t riding on the Cincinnati Bar Association float. —Judge Mark Painter
Does anybody remember when my Republican friends Daryl and Daryl were joined by Leroy? —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
We would’ve marched in the Opening Day Parade this year, except all that bad publicity in The Blower got our show cancelled after only two episodes that year. —Sluts in the Suburbs
Wouldn’t it be funny if we showed our viewers a totally commercial-free Opening Day Parade? —Local TV Stations Exploiting The Event
Remember in 1980 when Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench?” —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
Last week we learned what happened when Commissioner Swindle was turned down after he asked if he could throw out the first pitch at the Reds’ Opening Day.—Patronage County Today
I’m still hoping the Reds will let me throw out the ceremonial first pitch on Gay Night. —Rob “Fighting for “Flutterballs” Portman
I could’ve listened to people booing me for being the spoiler in the 2016 Republican Primary Elections. —Delusional Ohio Ex-Governor John Kasich
Reds Opening Day is always a big day for us, because there’s no place else near the stadium to go after the game, unless you count the snack bar at The Empty Uppity Oprah Winfrey Campaigning for Obama, Under-funded, Ugly-ass Poorly-Planned Unnagraown Rayroe Museum Not-so-Free-dom Center. Liz Rogers’ Mahogany’s has gone out of business, and the food at the new Horseshoe Casino will never be worth the long walk, since the Trolley Folly won’t take you anywhere near there. —Northern Kentucky Chamber of Commerce
Remember when baseball used to be a game, and it wasn’t just about the money? —Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception
Isn’t anybody tired of watching Señor Bob pay millions for mediocrity and hope his players over-achieve so this year we could win at least one game in the playoffs? —Typical Rooter Farley Fairweather
That’s why we chose Bob Lemon’s “Baseball was made for kids, and grown-ups only screw it up.” —Your Quote for Today Committee
Baseball has been berry, berry good to me. — Chico Escuela
Feckless Fishwrappers forgot to put a picture of my wild pitch on the front page yesterday. —Cincinnati’s Former Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark Mallory
A guy called in sick for Opening Day. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The guy says, “I’m home having sex with my sister. Is that sick enough?” —Bobby Leach
Weren’t you surprised when you didn’t see me in the office Tuesday afternoon? —Our Good Friend Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E Rob Sanders
We certainly hope The Fishwrap provides this much coverage for our home opener at Erpenbeck Stadium on May 9. —Florence Y’alls Fans
This year once again, I made sure Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane will NOT be asked to throw out the first pitch. —Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie Whalen
I thought Blondie was going to ask me to throw out the first pitch, but maybe their insurance wouldn’t cover it if I plunked just one more batter. —“BeanBall Jim” Bunning
I’m already scheduled for the Midget Tossing Night. —Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele
“Sticky Fingers” still wants to know if they’re having an “Embezzlers Night.” —Vanilla Hills Civic Club
How much is the beer at Erpenbeck Stadium? —Nathan “Cornbread” Smith and Michael Liquid Plummer
How much is a side of beef? —Clueless Marc Wilson
Which baseball movies you should be watching before and after Opening Day? —Rick “the BatBoy” Robinson
I used to have a cheerleader client who could’ve helped them get a lot of great publicity. — Eric “Call Me Crazy,” Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Won’t They Let Me Practice Law Again, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters
Did you know that baseball is Biblical? Eve stole first, Adam stole second, and God threw them both out. —Bible Thumpers Museum
In my new “tell all” book, you’ll read about all those guys who couldn’t get to first base. —Miss Vicki
In Fort Mitchell, our husbands don’t really know if they even got on base. —Uptight Bitches who fake their orgasms
Could you tell us which one of our local TV “anchorbabes” got a boob reduction? —Horny in Hebron
Trish the Dish wants to know if the Reds are mathematically eliminated yet. —TV 19 News
Can you believe, I used to have to listen to Trish’s Twaddle every day? —Legendary Former Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially The Hamilton County Board Of Revision, still counting all those notarized complaints from over-taxed players after Our Disingenuous Double-Dipping DemocRAT Auditor Couldn’t Explain Exactly How His Office Came Up With Its So-Called “Fair Property Values” For Their Jacked-Up Property Taxes.
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —
Sometimes The Blower ridicules Sports Talk Show Hosts to show that obsession with sports when there are so many other important problems in the world is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who didn’t receive a Real Apology from The Whistleblower like all those people mentioned in Sunday’s Annual “Mea Culpa” E-dition.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially Andy FurBall.
SPOILED SPORTS HOT LINE
E-mail your Opening Day Observations today
Some unsportsmanlike items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally unsportsmanlike subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER CLASSIC FIRST PITCH VIDEO
President Bush’s Opening Pitch at Yankee Stadium After 9-11
(Sent in by Opening Day Faux Facebook Friend Rick Robinson, who treasures his “BatBoy” nickname in The Blower above all else.
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
