TODAY IS
FRIDAY, MAY 31, 2019
Trump’s 861st Day In Office
Up Your Octane!
This week, everybody who says “Thanks to Trump’s Tax Cuts” we can afford “Trump’s Gas Prices,” e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.
The winner is Orville Octane, who says buying gasoline is really a religious experience these days, because every time a preacher sees how much it costs to fill your tank, he yells, “Holy Christ!”
Orville wins a “Bomb Their Ass and Steal their Gas” T-shirt, a siphon for stealing his next-door neighbor’s gas, and once a week, One of “Crazy Eric” Deters’ Mexican Midgets promises to hide in Orville’s trunk so he can jump out and switch nozzles to Orville’s gas tank when other drivers are distracted waiting for their cars to fill up. His winning entry is:
Paying Three Dollars For A Gallon Of Gas
Makes Crooked Bastards, Inc. happy, alas.
But they won’t be happy for long,
‘Cause greed is the name of their song,
As they shove the pump hose further up our ass.
Paying Three Dollars For A Gallon Of Gas
Is a phony price gouge, but it will not pass.
For Obama and his New World Order, you see,
It’s one more tool to destroy the bourgeoisie,
But Barry and his hell hounds can kiss my white ass.
Western Southern’s John Barrett says
Paying Three Dollars For A Gallon Of Gas
Is nothing less than a pain in the ass
I hear Charles Foster Kane
Has a car that runs on grain
I wish I had a car that runs on grass
Hamilton County Recorder Norbert Nadel says
Paying Three Dollars For A Gallon Of Gas
Is really a royal pain in the ass.
But I pay what I gotta
‘Cause my car won’t run on watta
And it costs too much to cut my damn grass!
And from the Anderson Laureate (who’s still not successfully completed his racial sensitivity correspondence course):
Paying Three Dollars For A Gallon Of Gas
Is kinda like takin’ it right up the ass
I’ve got a car that runs on coal
Green energy ain’t my goal
When it comes to eco-friendly, I’ll pass.
When I was a kid, we rode bikes,
We walked where we could, and went on hikes
We did what we could
With coal, gas and wood
And there were no such things as homos and dykes.
Finally, Here’s Perturbed in Park Hill’s Over-stuffed Sonnet
Paying Three Dollars For A Gallon Of Gas
Makes me want to smoke some medicinal grass.
The robber barons tell you it’s “summer blend,”
As they jam the pump nozzle up your rear end.
AOC wants to outlaw gas-powered cars,
A move that would demolish the Stars and Bars.
But I say let’s outlaw all foreign oil
And use the product of domestic toil.
To hell with Exxon, Shell and BP,
Just give us more of that Texas tea.
It made Jed Clampett a millionaire,
And he commenced livin’ with a flair.
If all else fails just buy a Tesla
To outfox the OPEC embezzla.
Want to have your patriotism stirred?
Then start by flipping the Saudis the bird!
