Daily Archives: May 7, 2019

Special “God Must Love Stupid Voters” E-dition

TUESDAY, MAY 27, 2019
Trump’s 837th Day In Office

And Here’s Some Of The Proof

Gov. John Kasich wins Ohio and talks to his supporters during an event at Baldwin Wallace University in Berea, Ohio on March 15, 2016. (Kyle Robertson/ The Columbus Dispatch)

Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about some of the stupid things Ohio Voters cast their ballots for.

“We still can’t believe all those Ohioans actually voted for Delusional Ohio Governor John Kasich for President of these United States of America three years ago,” Kane explained.


image005image005Almost nobody in the National Media was taking Kasich the slightest bit seriously when he claimed his home-state primary win with all those millions of PAC dollars spent trashing Donald Trump in Ohio meant he was then the Republican Establishment’s Officially Endorsed Anti-Trump Candidate who would be proclaimed the 2016 GOP Presidential Nominee at the Protest-Free Republican National Convention in Cleveland in July. Locally, however, our Feckless Fishwrappers were totally convinced. 


image005“A lot of people in Anderson Township also showed their silliness,” said our Angry Andersonian, referring to how voters in a historically Republican Township allowed “Taxkiller Tom” Brinkman to pull victory from the jaws of defeat by slaying an angry army of TEA partiers that had somehow emerged from the township. First, they took out our beloved “In Russ We Trust,” next they image006neutered Drew the Greek, and then they even tried to topple “TaxKiller Tom.” Not even Suzeilla herself could assure victory to hysterical-Heidi and her fanatical Army of Heidibots. This  year, Absurd Andersonians would probably like to get changing the Anderson Redskins name on the ballot.


image005“I’m now convinced,” Kane tried to make totally clear, “sometimes people prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they’re just too stupid to be given a say in decisions that affect everyone else.” 

image009“You’re right,” agreed our Compassionate Conservative, “Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, should never be allowed within 100 feet of a voting booth.

 image005“Everybody has a right to vote, even Kasich Supporters” Kane said. “You can’t do away with that. But surely your vote should be worth more than a person’s who can’t even pass a sixth-grade civics test or someone who’d stand in line to vote for people who only have to promise them more FREE stuff to get their votes.

image010image005 “But the problem is, these days it’s too easy for stupid people to vote. It should be harder. I copied down some ideas I saw online in a Brietbart article:

“We need some sort of literacy test. Remember, in America, bogus literacy tests were once used by the DemocRAT Party to disenfranchise Black voters (together, of course, with the KKK – another DemocRAT institution), but we’ve never really found out what the effect of a fair, universally applied literacy test would be on the voting public.”

“I’m not saying we should apply a blanket rule overnight to exclude anyone incapable of rational thought – Liberal Activists, Fishwrap columnists, or single women over 30 – but shouldn’t we at least have a system in place that protects wealth-creators from the envy-driven politics of the lower orders and from unscrupulous left-wing politicians with a vested interest in getting everyone hooked on welfare?

image005image011“To my mind, if you expect to have a say in the way this country is governed, you should be able to express yourself fluently in English. And you should be able to answer basic questions about how we run our country. Morons, who don’t know Mike Pence’s name, can’t remember which party Republicans and DemocRATS are, and can’t pronounce the word “Conservatives” should be barred from voting until they do.

“An IQ test is the least we can do to ensure, in these perilous economic times, that we don’t allow the inmates to take over the asylum, we’ve seen during the eight years of the Obama Administration.

“I mean, be honest. Do we really want people who can barely tie their own shoelaces together electing Congressmen? The sort of people who are ruled by fear, image005emotion, and ignorance, instead of facts and reason? (I know what you’re thinking: no radical feminist would ever get to vote again. This would be merely a happy by-product of the new system, I assure you.)

“To those who worry that an education or IQ-based voting system would bias results toward trendy metropolitan liberals with their hang-ups about microaggressions and transgender pronouns, I urge you not to worry. Those goofballs are a tiny fraction of the population, as we saw at the last election. I have faith in the good sense of the majority of the (property-owning) American public.

“Liberals like to claim that Conservative voters are stupid and that mandatory voting would benefit right-wing parties. But, if that’s so, why are they so horrified by the idea of making voting a bit harder? I’ll tell you. Because they’re lying: they know that the inner-city ghettos, Black, white or otherwise, who vote for left-wing hand-outs are populated by poorly educated voters who don’t know what the hell they’re doing and probably couldn’t name a single person in government besides Donald Trump, and perhaps Stormy Daniels.

image005“So, anyway, I say it’s time to reintroduce some civic responsibility to our great nation and encourage our citizens to learn a bit more about politics before they’re able to voice their opinion at the ballot box. And if they fall short of the equal opportunities criterion of intelligence, scoring “dunderhead” or below on an IQ test, well, so be it. I’m Sorry to break it to you, but all voters are not created equal.

image005And if you think those reforms go too far, let’s at least agree on this: voting should be made quite a bit harder, and we should start emphasizing responsibilities a bit more often, rather than constantly harping on about [voters] rights. Democracy is a luxury few in the world enjoy. We should demand better of our fellow citizens, if we are to preserve it.”