SUNDAY, JANUARY 29, 2017
Tonight’s Top Story
Guys Who Look Like Pussies Wearing Vagina Hats
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date on this day in 1834, Andrew Jackson became the first president to use federal troops against his own people, and many people are wondering how long it will be before Obama does the same thing.
OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Old Hickory’s “Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. Maybe that’s why President Trump hung Jackson’s portrait in the Oval Office.
COUNTDOWN TO PROPERTY TAX DAY: Hamilton County Treasurer Robert A. Goering says you’ve been ignoring your “Jacked Up Tax Bill” for more than three weeks, but you still have until midnight on January 31 to get the money in, or our Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor will publish your name in The Fishwrap, along with all those other deadbeats.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says President Trump moved at warp speed through his first full week in office, and voters like what they’re seeing. The Rasmussen Reports daily Presidential Tracking Poll has found the new president’s job approval hitting the mid- to upper 50s.
WEDNESDAY, OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER LIKED JIMMY FALLON’S: There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump’s inaugural ball. Though she says it wasn’t a punch, it was an “alternative high-five.”
CONAN O’BRIEN: Yesterday, Donald Trump threatened to send federal troops to Chicago. The weird part is, not the city, the musical.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Today Trump said he believes in torturing prisoners. Which is bad news for Melania.
AND SETH MEYERS: According to The New York Times, the White House kitchen has been stocked with President Trump’s favorite snacks including Lay’s potato chips. And his Cabinet has been filled with crackers.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, The Odious Octogenarian. This poem appears in his “Sentimental Poems of the Day,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
No Girl Jumping Out of a Cake Again This Year
I just had a birthday.
Now I’m a golden oldie.
My body is all worn out.
And is getting kind of moldy.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week, let’s all re-read the “Schnozzy Heimlich Story.”
LAST WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “TRUTH —THE BEST DEFENSE,” We heard what happened when Muck Raker, political columnist for the Patronage County Innuendo, testified as an expert witness at $10 million libel suit against the National Enquirer. That op-ed column first appeared in the legendary Mt. Washington Press on March 25, 1981
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER is working on a new story. Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor Cranley says, “Think how many refugees we could get in all of our empty streetcars.”
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” No. 256 says to Define multiculturalism as a State-sanctioned grievance industry that stokes division and resentment, while always under the delusion that it is doing something positive called “celebrating diversity.”
GOING GALT means you’ve recognized that you do not need to justify your life or wealth to your neighbors, “society,” or politicians, or bureaucrats. They’re yours, period!
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says both the House and Senate had abbreviated weeks as most members left town to participate in intra-party retreats to plot their policy agendas for this year. Earlier in the week, the House passed legislation restricting the use of U.S. taxpayer money to non-governmental organizations abroad that provide abortion services, while the Senate confirmed the nominations of Governor Nikki Haley (R-SC) to serve as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations and of Congressman Mike Pompeo (R-KS) to serve as director of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA).
Next Week: The House will begin a process of voting to repeal various Obama-era regulations. The Senate will have votes to confirm more of President Trump’s cabinet nominations.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others. Ex-Cincinnati Police Chief James Craig says in Detroit these days, people can’t get enough FREE STUFF.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were reminding Beloved Whistleblower Publisher that it’s been exactly one year since Charles Foster Kane’s Faux Facebook Page had been disabled. Do you think somebody might have maliciously complained that our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher might not be a “real person.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes that are due by midnight on Tuesday. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows how the Auditor’s Employees are prepared.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (JANUARY 30) The Blower will be trying to figure out how many of Mayor Cranley’s refugees could live in all those empty street cars running around downtown.
TUESDAY (JANUARY 31) our Real Subscribers will be commenting on how much money they’ll need to cover those humongous checks they’re writing to pay their Jacked-Up Hamilton County Real Estate Taxes.
WEDNESDAY, (FEBRUARY 1) The Blower will be doing our part for Racial Healing during Black Lives Really Really Matter History Month.
THURSDAY (FEBRUARY 2) we’ll be checking the weather report from Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania from our furry four-legged weatherman Phil.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (FEBRUARY 3) LIMERICK IS: “At our Groundhog’s Day party this year.”
AND SATURDAY (FEBRUARY 4) we’ll be getting ready for Reagan Day, when we celebrate the Gipper’s 106th Birthday on Monday.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
Tonight’s Whistleblower Video
Larry Gatlin fires back at celebrities getting political
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