Special “Not a State of the Union Address” E-dition

Trying To Tell You How Bad Obama’s Farewell Speech Really Was

At this afternoon’s meeting of the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about Obama’s So-Called Farewell Speech in Chicago last night. “Obama was totally full of crap,” Kane explained. “It was just like every other Obama State-of-Disunion and Campaign Speech we’ve been forced to listen to since The Worst President In American History was first elected.” No wonder Sean Hannity said, “Obama’s farewell can’t hide a disastrous legacy.”

Does anybody remember what Kevin D. Williamson wrote for National Review before Obama’s Third-to-Last State of DisUnion Speech in 2014?

“The title ‘On the nauseating spectacle that is the State of the Union address,’ does sound like something The Blower would have published,” Kane admitted.

“Listen to the first part,” said Whistleblower Senior National Political Affairs Analyst Britt Humus. “If this isn’t Williamson’s material, I don’t know what is”:

“The annual State of the Union pageant is a hideous, dispiriting, ugly, monotonous, un-American, un-republican, anti-democratic, dreary, backward, monarchical, retch-inducing, depressing, shameful, crypto-imperial display of official self-aggrandizement and piteous toadying, a black Mass during which every unholy order of teacup totalitarian and cringing courtier gathers under the towering dome of a faux-Roman temple to listen to a speech with no content given by a man with no content, to rise and to be seated as is called for by the order of worship — it is a wonder they have not started genuflecting — with one wretched representative of their number squirreled away in some well-upholstered Washington hidey-hole in order to preserve the illusion that those gathered constitute a special class of humanity without whom we could not live. It’s the most nauseating display in American public life — and I write that as someone who has just returned from a pornographers’ convention. It’s worse than the Oscars.

“And how about the next part,” interrupted our DC Newsbreaker, “The Blower’s been writing about this for years so it fits right in: ‘The national self-debasement begins well before the speech is under way. Members of Congress — supposedly free men and women serving as the elected representatives of the citizens of a self-governing republic — arrive hours early, camping out like spotty-faced adolescents waiting for Justin Bieber tickets, in the hope of staking out some prime center-aisle real estate that they might be seen on television, if only for a second or two, being greeted by the national pontifex maximus as he makes his stately procession into the chamber.’ ”

“I like this part,” Kane said: “And then there are the human props. [Three years ago] This year’s victim du jour is one Jason Collins, an aging professional basketball player boasting more than $32 million in lifetime earnings who has publicly affirmed his homosexuality. For this act of courage/ oversharing, he is to be seated in the first lady’s box.”

Does anybody remember Obama’s so-called “guests” that night?” Kane asked. “It looked like the Bar Scene from Star Wars.”

“But if you use so much of Williamson’s 2014 stuff in your 2017 column, wouldn’t that be sort of like plagiarism?” Humus asked.

“Not if we provide a link to his work and give him credit,” Kane explained.

“Meanwhile,” Kane added, “Maybe they ought to do away with over-produced Presidential Farewell Speeches like we saw last night. Even for President Donald Trump in 2021. We’ll all probably be too tired of winning by then.”