SUNDAY, JULY 31, 2016

More Politics Unusual

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1975, Teamsters Union Goon Jimmy Hoffa went missing, but he still votes every year as a DemocRAT.

THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Hoffa’s “No one was elected to Congress because he or she promised to cut Social Security, Medicare or Medicaid.”

THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says the national political conventions are over. Now the real dirty work begins. Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton remain deadlocked in our latest weekly White House Watch survey.   However, the survey was taken prior to Clinton’s acceptance speech at Thursday night’s Democratic National Convention. We’ll see next Thursday if Clinton got a bounce out of her convention.

OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER LIKED JIMMY FALLON’S: Tonight Hillary gave her big speech at the Democrat Convention, officially accepting the nomination for president. The speech went well, but the lightning shooting from her hands was a bit much. During his big speech, Obama said that no matter how many times Hillary gets knocked down, she always gets back up. At which point, he was accused of plagiarizing his speech from Chumbawamba.

CONAN O’BRIEN SAID: After Joe Biden used the word “malarkey” in his speech, it became the most searched word on the internet. Mostly from people who thought “Malarkey” was a new Pokémon. During Obama’s speech last night, he referred to Donald Trump as a “home-grown demagogue.” In response, Trump supporters said “Hey — two syllable words only!” Hillary gave her big speech at the Democrat Convention this evening. And there was an awkward moment when she finished the speech and said, “Now where’s my check?” Bradley Cooper was spotted at the Democrat Convention and it angered conservatives because he portrayed Navy SEAL Chris Kyle in American Sniper. These are the same people who were angry when they learned that Ben Affleck isn’t really Batman. Today, Donald Trump said that when he asked Russia to hack Hillary’s emails he was being “sarcastic.” Which makes sense — if anyone understands comedy, it’s the Russians.

JAMES CORDEN SAID: History has been made. After months of anticipation, Jo Jo has cut it down to just two remaining bachelors. These are exciting times. Oh, and also, Hillary Clinton received the Democrat nomination. Hillary broke the glass ceiling, and just in case that point was lost on you, with Trump so close to the presidency, Hillary just became the largest “break glass in case of emergency” ever. Donald Trump vowed that when he is president he will replace the broken glass ceiling with a re-enforced titanium steel ceiling and that women are going to pay for it. Bill Clinton said he watched all six Police Academy movies with his daughter Chelsea, which got awkward when Chelsea was like, “That wasn’t me.” When George W. Bush saw this, he was like, “Pfft, a few days? I did that for eight years.”

JIMMY KIMMEL SAID: It was a historic night. We’re either going to have our first female president, or the first president who sold a line of steaks at Sharper Image. After Hillary spoke tonight, instead of the balloon drop, Bill Clinton should have climbed to the top of the rafters and released all the old condoms he had. Last night, Obama gave Mrs. Clinton a powerful endorsement, at the end of which, she joined him on stage for an embrace that was about as awkward as when the groom dances with his mother-in-law at a wedding. Hillary’s choice for running mate, Virginia Sen. Tim Kaine, gave a speech last night where he revealed that not only does he habla español, he can do a Donald Trump impression. He did such a convincing job that Tim Kaine is now leading Hillary Clinton by 3%. Trump wants to build a wall and bring in foreign workers. It’s like he’s playing a game of tic-tac-toe against himself. Or maybe this is a Telemundo prank show. We sent a bunch of workers to the United States. Wait until they find out who their new boss is.

SETH MEYERS SAID: Morgan Freeman narrated Hillary’s introduction video at the DNC, and for some reason, Hillary gave her speech as Morgan Freeman tonight. Hillary said tonight that Donald Trump has taken the Republican Party from Ronald Reagan’s “Morning in America” to “Midnight in America.” Which frankly is a little insulting those of us who come on at 1:00 a.m. Midnight is not terrible. Donald Trump told reporters yesterday that he doesn’t know who Vladimir Putin is. He then paused and went, “Oh, you mean Vlad? Yeah, of course I know Vlad.” Former Republican Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg spoke at the DNC last night. He told the crowd Hillary Clinton understands this is not reality television. Though if it were, she is not here to make friends! Vice President Joe Biden spoke at the convention last night. He walked out to the theme from the movie Rocky. I’m guessing that’s how he enters everywhere he goes.

NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, THE BARD OF CLEVES: Summer is well under way and we have another timely poem from Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves.   

          Seeing is Believing
          Ah the wondrous days of summer
          The cricket’s cheerful song.
          The see-thru clothes the girlies wear
          And the break-a-way lacy thong.

IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “Clueless Conferences” our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about those political speeches that time when all those Dark-Skinned DemocRATS descended upon Cincinnati for the National Urban League Conference. This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols. 

MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says in that story about the shooting victim who said, “The bullet grazed my Adam’s apple,” who was just picking up a friend in an empty church parking lot At Race and McMicken. The FishWrap forgot to add one simple detail.  That’s the same neighborhood where drug dealers and prostitutes have done business for generations.  Sure, I believe your story.

LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” #223 says if the Obama administration isn’t socialist, how come Americans had to pay more to the government in taxes in 2013 than they spent on food, clothing, and shelter combined?

JOHN GALT says, “I started my life with a single absolute: that the world was mine to shape in the image of my highest values and never to be given up to a lesser standard, no matter how long or hard the struggle.”

WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says second quarter Gross Domestic Product (GDP) results were released before Friday’s market open, and the results were, by any measure, quite lackluster: 1.2% growth was recorded in the first read of Q2 GDP. This is only half of what analysts were looking for. Q1 GDP was revised down to a paltry 0.8%.

THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and last week all those Free-Stuff Loving DemocRATS were on full display at the Disingenuous DemocRAT Convention in Philadelphia.

Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.

Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.

FINALLY, AT TODAY’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were reminding Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane that it’s been two years since The Blower’s “Liberals Say the Stupidest Things” item became a daily feature, like “Hurley the Historian” and our “Quote for Today Committee.” Kane admitted The Blower had ripped off that idea from the very popular “Kids Say the Darndest Things” feature first used by Art Linkletter on the radio between 1945-69, and later by Bill Cosby between 1998-2000.

“But what if one day you can’t find something stupid any of our Liberals said?” asked one of our newest members, and all of the rest of our long-time Political Insiders had a really good laugh.

Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.

THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL

Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.

                   SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.

AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:

MONDAY (AUGUST 1) there’s a lot happening, but the Blower will be showing you that nude photo of Melania Trump on the front page Sunday’s New York Post, but we’ll still be continuing to count down the 172 Days of Dishonesty for the rest of the nation remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached.

TUESDAY (AUGUST 2) DemocRATS will be demanding equal time, and we’ll see if any newspaper wants to put and nude pictures of Hillary on their front pages, and our Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” might have something to say about that.

WEDNESDAY (AUGUST 3) we’ll be checking to see if Wikileaks founder Julian Assange’s Whistleblower-Newswire copycat website has released any more e-mails to embarrass Hillary.

THURSDAY (AUGUST 4) Dumbed Down DemocRATS will be celebrating Obama’s 53rd Birthday, because they’ll only be a year late.

THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (AUGUST 5) LIMERICK IS “How many lies will Obama tell.”

AND SATURDAY (AUGUST 6) is traditionally our Official “Earth-shattering Kaboom” E-dition when we ask, “Will Enola be Gay on Hiroshima Day,

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially, Ohio’s Delusional Republican Governor John Kasich, probably won’t be attending tomorrow afternoon’s Trump Rally at the Convention Center in Columbus, but he will be available for interviews outside with the protesters.   WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today

Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. 

Now from Whistleblower TV, we have Kyle Tucker’s Trump Campaign Song. Kyle says he finished this video late on July 4th, 2016 because he was sensing an importance to finish this process tonight as much for its message as for the significance of completing it on our nation’s Independence Day. We must wage a new war. We must start a new revolution. Our enemy is not dressed in bright red uniforms however, our enemy is cloaked in secrecy and only lives in the shadows. Our enemy is a cancer. As much as our great nation is threatened by those abroad, it is the cancers within which are feeding on our very rights and actively cannibalizing our freedom. It is time to expose the corruption for what it is, and to hold the corrupt accountable for their actions. Our nation is slowly being stolen from us by a thief who holds no regard for truth and the day is today to fight back. Donald Trump is one man who can lead us in that fight, a fight that will end in victory for all Americans. A great deal of thanks is due to all of those who helped make this song & video possible.

Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

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