TODAY IS
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2020
AND WE’RE WONDERING WHEN ROGER STONE’S PARDON WILL BE ANNOUNCED
On Trump’s 1119th Day In Office
Make Sure You Don’t Forget
Tomorrow is February 14, and members of the Free Grain Party (who are always willing to help themselves from the stores of others) are no doubt looking for FREE Stuff on is Valentine’s Day.
Google “Free Stuff on Valentine’s Day,” and you’ll see lots of “FREE Stuff,” most of it’s pretty crappy. You won’t see many FREE meals at restaurants on Valentine’s Day, but there are some discounts and special deals. This year, you could always reserve a seat at Waffle House and enjoy dinner by candle light. And many White Castle locations will transform into a sit-down restaurant on Valentine’s Day, with red tablecloths and champagne served in paper cups. But, you’ll need a reservation.
So if our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is planning to take Mrs. Kane out to dinner for Valentine’s Day to celebrate their 50th Wedding Anniversary, he should’ve done it last week, since all those fancy restaurants wouldn’t have been as crowded, and they won’t have jacked up their Valentine’s Day prices yet.
Horny in Hebron says the best Super Bowl ad on TV ever was the one where that sexy Teleflora girl says “Give and you shall receive,” promising you a “Happy Valentine’s Night.”
Now let’s see… what can we send that special someone for Valentine’s Day? Mushy cards are up to about eighty-seven dollars. She always grabs the chocolate-covered cherries and won’t touch your nougats. We could send her to the Toyota dealer. They’re having a romantic Valentine’s Day special on lube jobs. But no…
It’s time to get back to basics. Let’s remember the real meaning of Valentine’s Day. Does anybody know where we can find a goat (Like we explained in Saturday’s Patronage County E-dition)?
Valentine’s Day Dating Tips
In his Valentine’s Day dating tips for horny guys, Bobby Leach says you should always be politically correct.
- Don’t call her a “babe” or a “chick.” She’s a “breasted American.”
- Don’t say she’s a “screamer” or a “moaner.” Call her “vocally appreciative.”
- Don’t say she’s “been around.” She’s a “previously-enjoyed companion.” And don’t call her “easy.” She’s just “horizontally accessible.”
Top Ten List
Today it’s Miss Piggy’s Top Ten Things A Man Should Never Say Out Loud While Shopping in Victoria’s Secret for a Valentine’s Day present:
10. Mom will love this.
9. No thanks. Just sniffing.
8. I’ll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Does this come in children’s sizes?
6. The size won’t matter. She’s inflatable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I’ll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me?
3. The “Miracle” what? This is even better than world peace!
2. $45? She’s just gonna end up naked!
And the number one thing that a man should never say while shopping in Victoria’s Secret for a Valentine’s Day present is… But, DEBBIE, you’ll NEVER squeeze your fat ass into that!
Odes to Valentine’s Day From “Best Loved Poems of the World” by Bunky Tadwell, The Bard of Cleves
On Valentine’s Day
The Ladies want flowers and candy
I’d rather fill ‘em with booze
That would be just dandy.
—
Before I met you,
My heart was so famished.
But now I’m fulfilled,
SO GO MAKE ME A SAMMICH!
—
I see your face, when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
—
I want to feel, your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag, off of your face.
—
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you, really screwed up my life.
—
What could inspire such an amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka and one part lime.
Ode to a Forgotten Love
Valentine, Oh Valentine
Last night I had a ball
I know we were introduced
But your name I can’t recall
—
Don’t Be My Valentine
I’ll keep you forever
What you gave me—
A nasty dose
Of an SDT
—
Could You Be My Valentine?
I sent you flowers
I sent you candy
All in hopes
To make you randy
—
Where There’s Smoke
Valentine, they say,
Was a well-known saint.
From what I hear
That’s what you ain’t
—
It’s a Crap Shoot
A pretty card
An expensive dinner
But no guarantee
I’ll get a winner
—
Drink Up
I’ll slip a Mickey
In your wine
Soon you’ll be
My Valentine
—
Ode to Mean Jean by Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane
I’d ask you to be my Valentine,
And then, my dear, you would be mine.
You could even be my queen,
If only you weren’t so goddamn mean.
—
And Ode-ious in Covington From “Totally Gay Valentine’s Poems” by Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis
I thought that I could love no other,
Until, that is, I had sex with your brother.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Valentine’s Day Special Penis Lip Balm Pranks 2015 – Best Funny Videos 2015
Published on Feb 21, 2016: WATCH Valentine’s Day Special Penis Lip Balm Pranks 2015 – Best Funny Videos 2015 – We introduce special Valentine’s Day Pranks 2015. Take a look at this SHOCKING Valentine’s Day Pranks 2015 and share with your friends too!
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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