TODAY IS
SATURDAY, MAY 04, 2019
Trump’s 834th Day In Office

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“The Right to Lie” By James Jay Schifrin

This week our Patronage County Commissioners were talking about how every politician in America is now celebrating how quickly Liberal Whacko Judge Tim Black ruled in favor of COAST’s Avaricious Attorney Chris Finney’s case to allow those same politicians the “Right to Lie” during political campaigns.

“Politicians have always lied,” said Commissioner Filch. “It’s in the Declaration of Independence, isn’t it?”

“That’s ‘Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness,” not ‘Lies,’ ” corrected Commissioner Swindle. “You’re probably thinking of Freedom of Speech as the First Amendment of the Bill of Rights.”

“The Judge ruled the answer to false statements in politics is not to force silence (by forbidding lies) but to encourage truthful speech in response, and to let the voters, not the Government, decide what the political truth is,” said Commissioner Pilfer.

“That ought to really scare you,” warned Commissioner Swindle. “Not only did those dumbed-down voters elect Obama twice, look how easy it’s been for us to get re-elected all those times.”

“Maybe the Judge thought the news media would tell voters every time a candidate failed to tell the Truth,” supposed Commissioner Filch.

“Not hardly,” replied Commissioner Swindle. “The Press is too lazy, too stupid, or too dishonest to do their jobs, let alone to report the Truth.”

“And Members of the Media always have an Agenda,” said Commissioner Pilfer. “But the Judge’s ruling supposes the candidate being lied about has the same access to money and the media as the one telling the lies.”

“That’s the big problem,” concluded Commissioner Swindle. “After your opponent’s campaign spends a million dollars lying about you, it’s hard to raise a dime for your own defense.”

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.