MONDAY, JANUARY 2, 2016

Our New Year’s Resolution Is To Be Less Sarcastic!

Last week, The Blower published the New Year Year’s Resolutions for some of our local celebrities. They were the real local celebrity New Year’s Resolutions, because any other local celebrity New Year’s resolutions you might have seen published elsewhere were surely fake. Now we know 2017 has hardly begun, but let’s take a look to see how some our resolvers are doing anyway, just for fun.

GOP HOUSE SPEAKER PAUL RYNO: Hasn’t yet been voted out by Republicans as Speaker of the House after a new poll showed Republican voters nationwide overwhelmingly want their House representative to elect somebody else.

OBAMA: Trying not to get impeached during the next 18 days.

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT-ELECT DONALD TRUMP is resolved to upset the entire political establishment every chance he gets beginning January 20.

DUMBED-DOWN, SELF-ABSORBED, PROPAGANDA MEDIA-INFLUENCED, CELEBRITY-OBSESSED, POLITICALLY-CORRECT, UNINFORMED, SHORT-ATTENTION-SPAN, FREE-STUFF GRABBING, LOW-INFORMATION OBAMA SUPPORTERS WHO PUT THE POSITIVELY WORST PRESIDENT IN HISTORY IN THE WHITE HOUSE—TWICE, AND UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED TO GIVE OBAMA A THIRD TERM BY VOTING FOR CROOKED HILLARY, AND GET ALL OF THEIR INFORMATION FROM OUR OBAMA-AND-HILLARY SUPPORTERS IN THE PRESS, LIKE OUR FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS AND THE ONES ON CHANNEL 5, 9, 12, AND 19: Not even worried about how much ObamaCare is going to cost them in 2017

DISCOURAGED DEMOCRATS: Terminally afflicted with Trump Derangement Syndrome.

LIBERAL LIARS: were really surprised when the Washington Post’s alarming news Friday about Russian Hackers attacking an electricity grid in Vermont was total bullshit.

DELUSIONAL OHIO REPUBLICAN GOVERNOR KASICH: Hopes to see his plans for not attending Donald Trump’s Inauguration on the front page of The Fishwrap.

ROB “FIGHTING FOR FAGELLAS” PORTMAN: Can’t stop worrying about his support from that 1.6% of the population who are actually Sodomy Rites Practitioners.

DAVID A. PEPPER: As Ohio’s DemocRAT Party Boss, he’s wondering if he will ever be able to teach all those Defeated DemocRATS how to win like he did.

HURLEY THE HISTORIAN: Says on tomorrow’s date in 1995 the 104th Congress became the first held entirely under Republican control since the Eisenhower era. Thanks to Newt Gingrich and his “Contract with America,” the Republican Party won majority control of Congress for the first time in forty years. And with all the RINOs we have running the party these days, we’re still waiting to see if they’ll have a “Contract With Trump” in 2017.

TRI-STATE VOTE FRAUDERS: Still have another 309 days to figure out ways to cheat at the 2017 Elections on November 7.

CINCINNATI VICE MAYOR DAVID MANN has already agreed to return as Grand Marshal at the Backstabbers Day Parade on March 15, where he’ll again be leading Clowncilman Flynn Flam and the rest of the Stupid Streetcar Six along the route of the Trolley Folly.

CLOWNCILGAY CHRIS SQUEALBACK wonders if he could officiate if two guys got married on top of a float, just like at that Rose Bowl Parade two years ago.

CINCINNATI DIMINUTIVE DEMOCRAT MAYOR JOHN CRANLEY is resolved not to be forced to explain about his big double-top secret payoff to fired Ex-police chief Jeffrey Blackwell to avoid any allegations of Racism.

AWARD-WINNING PHOTO ILLUSTRATOR ARTIS CONCEPTION still promises to make fun of local politicians, just like when he sent The Blower this picture of Hamilton County Demo Labor Party Boss Tim Burka trying to counsel Ditzy Democrat Hamilton County Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter not to run for office while she’s still facing another trial.

HAMILTON COUNTY RINO PARTY BOSS ALEX T., MALL COP GOP is still trying to explain how Crooked Hillary got so many votes in Hamilton County, Dishonest DemocRATS didn’t even need Voter Fraud.

DEMO-LABOR PARTY BOSS TIM BURKA is hoping we forgot about last year when he found it hard to decide which resolution was more important—writing letters to The Fishwrap defending Ditzy DemocRAT Juvenile Court Judge Tracie Hunter trying to locate Republican Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters’ missing change of address card.

YOUR DISINGENUOUS DOUBLE-DIPPING DEMOCRAT AUDITOR: Trying to explain to every outraged Hamilton Country resident exactly how his office came up with their Fair Property Values and selecting music for his old time radio show on the Geezer Station.

CONGRESSMEN STEVE CHABOTHEAD AND PODIATRIST “BRONZE STAR BRAD” WENSTRUP, still hoping voters will never question their votes for the Republican Spending Bill that gave Obama everything he wanted and more.

DITZY DEMOCRAT HAMILTON COUNTY JUVENILE COURT JUDGE TRACIE HUNTER is resolved to do everything possible to stay out of jail.

IGNORANT AND APATHETIC HAMILTON COUNTY VOTERS: Probably still won’t be paying attention.

CINCINNATI BUNGALS OWNER “MILLIONAIRE MIKE” BROWN says he’s still hoping it was worth paying Andy Dalton all those millions of dollars after that tied game kept them out of the playoffs this year.

REPUBLICANS FOR HIGHER TAXES: are sure there will be plenty of good increases to support in 2017.

FECKLESS FISHWRAPPERS willstill doing their best to help the region go from bad to diverse, as they became totally discredited as the local member of Hillary’s Liberal Propaganda Media in 2016.

WHISTLEBLOWER GOSSIP COLUMNIST LINDA LIBEL says she will soon reveal the name of her next “Political Philanderer.”

CINCINNATI BEARCATS FOOTBALL COACH TOMMY TUBERVILLE: was resolved to accept all of his $2.2 million salary in 2016, even though Tuberville resigned on December 4 after a 4-8 season.

“TAXKILLER TOM” BRINKMAN wonders if any of his old supporters is planning to running against him the next time there’s a primary.

COAST’S LITIGIOUS LAWYER CHRIS FINNEY is still resolved in 2017 to have to a Christmas Party where any political wannabee could get in for free, but would still had to pay for his own food and drinks.

“MEAN JEAN” SCHMIDT: Folks who showed up at “Mean Jean” Schmidt’s Christmas Party at Jack Casino on Sunday may have disappointed that she won’t be returning to politics any time soon, but Her Meanness has probably found her true calling as a Dominatrix when you check out her web page at http://www.jeanschmidt.com/.

CITIZENS FOR COMMUNITY VALUES EX-PRESIDENT PHIL BURR-ASS: was totally resolved to keep the homo fires burning in 2016, but Phil had to retire and his replacement must be really busy, since he hasn’t had time to contact The Blower about getting some decent publicity.

FORREST GUMP SCHOOL BOARD MEMBERS are hoping Over-taxed Payers aren’t too shocked when they see their next property tax bills that will be due on January 31 after engineering that $103 million Tax Hike money that will really cost dumbed-down voters $170 million.

ANDERSON TEA PARTY TRUSTEE ANDY PAPPAS can still hardly wait to start campaigning for Hamilton County Commissioner against Disingenuous DemocRAT Odd Todd Opportune in 2016.

TEA PARTY PATRIOTS: Are hoping once again to become “relevant” in 2017, since they were totally absorbed by the Republican Party in 2014.

BLUEGRASS BUREAU CHIEF KEN CAMBOO knows he needs to work harder to find a few more good NoKY snitches.

U.S. SENATOR RAND PAUL is resolved to wait as long as possible before dropping out of the 2020 Republican Race.

KENTUCKY CONSERVATIVE CONGRESSMAN THOMAS MASSIE is resolved to let everybody know, he never ever caved in to Obama the way Chabothead and Wenstrup did.

NoKY DEMOCRAT DOMINATRIX KATHY GROOB says she really sorry for that time she called Bitch McConnell’s wife a “chink,” especiallyh after the Trumpster gave her a job.

KENTON COUNTY COMMONWEALTH ATTORNEY E ROB SANDERS: we can always count on his weekly This Week In Kenton Circuit Court newsletter to be full of felons’ ugly mug shots in 2017.

THAT CABAL OF NOKY ATTORNEYS OUT TO DESTROY ERIC “CALL ME CRAZY” DETERS (INCLUDING THE LISA WELLS WLW FAN CLUB) resolves not to forget to keep sending The Blower along to the Kentucky Bar Association every time Crazy Eric steps in it.

MICHAEL LIQUID PLUMMER AND NATHAN “CORNBREAD” SMITH failed to learn how to pronounce “inebriated” at the Whistleblower’s New Year’s Eve Party.

HORNY IN HEBRON says we should check out Facebooks for some of those Wilder Women.

MISS VICKI: says she still hasn’t forgotten to call Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about getting together “after the holidays.”

OUR GOOD FRIEND BOBBY LEACH says, “So much for my New Year’s Resolutions.” But you couldn’t break ‘em, if you didn’t make ‘em.”

QUOTE FOR THE DAY COMMITTEE chose Dave Beard’s “Many years ago I resolved never to bother with New Year’s resolutions, and I’ve stuck with it ever since.”

WHISTLEBLOWER SNITCHES say we’re resolved as we hear something bad about somebody, we’ll e-mail it to The Blower immediately even if we’re at work!

BELOVED WHISTLEBLOWER PUBLISHER CHARLES FOSTER KANE says there’s little chance he’ll ever forget the “Whistleblower Motto.”

FINALLY, WHISTLEBLOWER INTERNS are so far keeping KANE’S Surprise Birthday Party on Saturday a secret, since the Countdown Calendar on the lower right hand corner of the Whistleblower web page is already being used to click off the days, hours, minutes, and seconds until Obama’s out of office.