SUNDAY, MAY 21, 2017
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date in 1862 Lincoln signed the Homestead Act, but unfortunately, thanks to our Disingenuous DemocRAT County Auditor (who was permitted to run unopposed by those geniuses at 700 Walnut Street for all those years) some of the property owners in Hamilton County are still waiting for their forty acres and a mule.
OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose President Ronald Reagan’s “We must not look to government to solve our problems. Government is the problem.”
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (OUR ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), THE BARD OF CLEVES: Just in time for what used to be the Drive-in Movie Season, we found this licentious limerick by our old friend Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves, from his latest book, “Remembering When,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
“Springtime Surprise”
A no-bra blouse
No underpants
A fleeting breeze
Its favor grants.
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED TITLED “THANKS FOR THE MEMORIAL,” everybody was getting ready for the big upcoming Memorial Day Weekend, and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were talking about how they were going exploit the occasion, as if there was ever a holiday they wouldn’t exploit. This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.
OUR MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER says the best part about not having any Bluegrass Primary Elections last Tuesday was “There Was No Voter Fraud.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says Americans appear to be buying some of the Fake News allegations against President Trump despite the lack of any hard evidence so far. Predictably, however, as with most things Trump, there’s an enormous partisan difference of opinion. Most voters now believe the president tried to shut down the probe of any connections between his associates and the Russians but are confident the FBI will thoroughly investigate the matter despite the firing of Director James Comey.
THIS WEEK, OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER SAID LATE NIGHT COMEDIANS WERE STILL MAKING SOME REALLY LAME TRUMP JOKES THESE DAYS, LIKE JIMMY FALLON’S: A recording just came out from a closed-door meeting where Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy says he thinks Vladimir Putin actually pays Donald Trump. Trump said he never accepted any money from Putin, because he was paid entirely in KFC gift cards.
JAMES CORDEN: It’s been a wild week for President Donald Trump. On Wednesday, the Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate Trump’s connections to Russia. Robert Mueller will be the special counsel. And today, Trump reacted by saying, “No fair, why does that guy get to be called special?”
JIMMY KIMMEL: President Trump is having one heck of a week. The Justice Department appointed a special counsel to investigate ties between his campaign and Russia, which he did not like at all. But sources inside the White House say when he found out about it, he didn’t yell or scream. He told his staff, “We have nothing to hide.” He was calm. He punched Sean Spicer in the stomach a few times.
SETH MEYERS: President Trump today called the appointment of a special counsel to investigate his campaign’s ties to Russia “the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.” Though it didn’t help his case much when he flew away on a broom.
STEPHEN COLBERT: The announcement of a special counsel [to investigate the Trump administration] shocked everyone, including the White House, which reportedly only got 30 minutes warning before the announcement went public. Sean Spicer barely had time to dive in the hedges and cover himself with mud. He learned that from Schwarzenegger in “Predator.”
THE SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” Events’ #149 is name the three shortest books in the world:
“How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Rahm Emanuel
“Humility and Its Virtues” by Barack Obama
And “What the Constitution Means to Me” by Nancy Pelosi
JOHN GALT says “Happiness is possible only to a rational man, the man who desires nothing but rational goals, seek nothing but rational values and finds his joy in nothing but rational actions. “
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES says this week: The House passed a series of non-controversial bills dealing with law enforcement and first responders to honor National Police Week. The Senate confirmed several sub-cabinet nominations.
Next Week: The House will address various issues relating to veterans. The Senate will consider several nominations.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others. Moochers in the Military were sad yesterday when all those restaurants weren’t giving away all those free meals on Armed Forces Day like they always do on Veterans Day, which meant they will all have to wait until November 11 for their FREE BLOOMIN’ ONION from Outback.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if he had really been offered an honorary knighthood from Queen Elizabeth II when she and the Royal Family were in Kentucky twenty-five years ago this weekend, like it said in Edition #51 of the Whistleblower. “Of course,” Kane explained. “You know everything you read in The Blower is true.” Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us Prince Charles dubbing Kane thrice at the ceremony in Lexington.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”
MONDAY (MAY 22) we’ll be publishing our Annual Edumacation Update to find out if kids in high school are getting stupider, or if it just seems that way when you have to talk to one of them.
TUESDAY (MAY 23) we’ll be watching to see if our Feckless Fishwrappers finally mention the fact that President Trump is on an historic trip to the Middle East, and “Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers” will be letting will be letting everybody know how they feel about that.
WEDNESDAY (MAY 24) The Blower will be waiting to see our new Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller has figured out what crime he’s supposed to be investigating.
THURSDAY (MAY 25) we’ll be listening to all the hype about the Tensing Re-trial, plus it’ll be “Red Nose Day” at Walgreen’s, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean.
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (MAY 26) LIMERICK IS “Each year at the Taste of the ‘Natti.”
AND SATURDAY (May 27) we’ll be seeing just how patriotic we can be during the Memorial Day Weekend.
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
TODAY’S WHISTLEBLOWER BREAKING NEWS VIDEO
Newt Gingrich: DNC Operative Was Behind Wikileaks DNC Release – Drops Seth Rich Bomb
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
The Whistleblower has always been 100% commercial free, unlike members of the mendacious news media. So if you want to buy an ad on the front page, call The Fishwrap.
