MONDAY, MAY 8, 2017

Banning Mother’s Day

This could be the last year for children in school to create cards and trinkets as Mother’s Day gifts, if the Political Correctness Council (PCC) has its way, since the concept of “mother” might make some children feel uncomfortable.

That goes for Father’s Day, too.

Local Members of The Liberal Propaganda Media are expected to promote the new PCC policy with their usual enthusiastic bias, and Feckless Fishwrappers will be endorsing the Mother’s Day ban in Sunday’s edition, unless they’re lesbians. 

The letter from the Failed Cincinnati Public $chool$ advising parents of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day bans was leaked to The Blower:

This letter is to inform you that after much thought and discussion, this will be the last year we will be celebrating Mother’s Day and Father’s Day at our school.

At this time, these holidays are not needed to enhance self-esteem programs. Unwed teen-age mothers bear enough of a stigma as it is.

Families in our society are now diverse and varied. We are schools with many different family make-ups, and we need to recognize the emotional well-being of all children in our schools. Recognition of such holidays as Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in a social setting may not be a positive experience for all children, especially those with homosexual parents.”

  The new policy was adopted after a man (who is raising his son with a male partner) persuaded the PCC to force schools to remove Mother’s Day from their holiday list.

But the PCC denied the decision was made based on only one complaint from an effeminate-looking Hindu guy with a funny sounding name.

“Families are changing,” explained a PCC spokesperson. “Some children become very uncomfortable on Mother’s Day. Some children have only one parent, or there may be two fathers, or two mothers.”

The PCC also believes banning Mother’s Day could go a long way to foster racial harmony in these troubled times, because if a white person ever called a black person a “Mother,” on Yo Momma’s Day, such blatant insensitivity just might start another race riot.

Today is Mother’s Day, and what would that holiday be without an odious ode for the occasion by Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves.

            There’ll soon be a day for your Mother
            A day we treat like no other.
            When she heard God’s voice
            And then make her choice
            She said, “You, I won’t bother to smother.”

Not to be outdone, our good friend Bobby Leach, who writes The Blower’s “Dating Tips for Horny Guys” column, says, “If you’re one of the 25% who forgets to call his Mom on Mother’s Day, you could always honor a “MILF.”

Some maternal loving items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally maternal loving subscribers, like this educational illustration from Bobby Leach on how to recognize a MILF.

More Things Your Mother Taught You

TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

RELIGION: “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

TIME TRAVEL: “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

LOGIC: ” Because I said so, that’s why.”

MORE LOGIC: “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

FORESIGHT: “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

IRONY: “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

OSMOSIS: “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

CONTORTIONISM: “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

STAMINA: “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

WEATHER: “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

HYPOCRISY: “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

CIRCLE OF LIFE: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: “Stop acting like your father!”

ENVY: “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

ANTICIPATION: “Just wait until we get home.”

RECEIVING: “You are going to get it when you get home!”

MEDICAL SCIENCE: “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

ESP: “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

HUMOR: “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT: “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

GENETICS: “You’re just like your father.”

ROOTS: “Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?”

WISDOM: “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

And our favorite:
JUSTICE: “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

More Politically Incorrect Mother’s Day News Later