WEDNESDAY, MAY 3, 2017
Monday’s Trump Jokes From Our Late Night Comedians
President Trump just did an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, “That’s easy, Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight.”
Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Andrew Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he’ll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next week.
Trump defended all his trips that he’s made to his golf courses, saying that he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters for the wings were like, “Yeah, right.”
Trump’s keeping busy — in fact, he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks Thailand is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties.
Over the weekend, President Trump invited brutal Filipino dictator Rodrigo Duterte to visit the White House. It’s the first time Trump has ever said the words, “Rodrigo, please come to America.”
President Trump also said he would be honored to meet North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. Trump said, “He’s my kind of guy — he’s crazy, he’s overweight, and he has a ridiculous haircut. We should get together!”
An Australian family managed to save the life of a lizard they found at the bottom of their pool by performing CPR on it. Can you imagine putting your lips on a lizard? And then Melania Trump was like, “Yeah, I can.”
In a recent Reuters interview, President Trump reflected on his first 100 days in office saying, “I thought it would be easier.” What made you think it was going to be easy? This is what it did to a SMART person [shows 2008 and 2018 photos of Obama]. By the time you’re out of office, you’re going to look like the Toxic Avenger.
President Trump said yesterday that being president has been a big burden on his family. “Yes, but somehow we manage,” said Melania from her penthouse in New York.
In an interview today, President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. Even worse, then he questioned whom America fought in the Civil War. “Wait, I know this one. Was it China?”
President Trump questioned why America fought the Civil War. You know, at this rate the only way Trump is going to get a second term is if he’s held back. “All F’s? I flunked everything? I got a B+ in phys ed.”
During his opening monologue, Colbert went off on Trump over the President’s treatment of CBS News’ John Dickerson, who saw an interview with Trump abruptly ended when he asked about the President’s unproven claims that then-President Obama had wiretapped Trump and members of his campaign. As Dickerson and Colbert are both CBS employees, Colbert felt it his duty to say the things Dickerson himself could not.
“Sir [Speaking to Trump], you attract more skinheads than free Rogaine. You have more people marching against you than cancer. You talk like a sign language gorilla that got hit in the head. In fact, the only thing your mouth is good for is being Vladimir Putin’s cock holster.”
(Amazingly, People Actually Found Some Of This Material Offensive)
