THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2016
Just because today’s supposed to be a holiday doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of snitching and bitching going on. You bet! As the official publication for all that scrambling, speculation, mud-slinging, and back-stabbing in the tri-state, our readers have every right to expect nothing less.
Turkeys, Start Your Gobbling!
At the Conservative Agenda Thanksgiving Day Dinner, Political Insiders couldn’t stop congratulating Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane because our Persons of Consequence have gotten with the program and actually nominated some new Turkeys for our 2016 Whistleblower Turkeys oYear Contest (sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurant), since earlier today, we announced winners of our Ninth Annual Whistleblower Turkey Decorating Contest for Thanksgiving, where the people who were selected as the biggest turkeys of the year would be shown with their heads on the body of a turkey,
Hillary, of course, won the Biggest National Turkey of the Year Award for 2016. Delusional Governor John Kasich won the Biggest Ohio Turkey of the Year Award for 2016. Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters won the 2016 Biggest Kentucky Turkey of the Year Award.
And the Conservative Agenda unanimously voted to award Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP with Lifetime Achievement Turkey of the Year Award. Fortunately for Alex, on Wednesday, Obama pardoned him along with the other White House Turkeys.
Things that Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving
- “She’s a gobbler!”
- “That’s one terrific spread!”
- “Care for a little more dark meat, Jungle Fever Boy?”
- “Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
- “Talk about a huge breast!”
- “It’s Cool Whip time!”
- “Mind if I undo my pants, Becky?”
- “Are you ready for seconds yet?”
- “Are you going to come again next time?”
- “It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
- “Just wait your turn, Mike, you’ll get some!”
- “Stop playing with your meat, grandpa.”
- “Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.”
- “Can you handle all these people at once?”
- “I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
- “You still have a little bit on your chin.”
- “Use a smooth stroke when you whip it.”
- “And he forces his way into the end zone!”
- “Just reach in and grab the giblets.”
- “How long will it take after you stick it in?”
- “You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
- “I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
- “How many of you are coming?”
- “Smell this!”
- “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
- “Lay back and take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
- “How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
- “Did anybody find a condom in the stuffing?”
- “If I don’t unbutton my pants, I’ll burst!”
- “It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.”
- …And the number on thing that sounds dirty on Thanksgiving is… “Succotash!”
Let’s Hear It for Cholesterol
Remember, cranberry breath: when all those fat-assed people eat themselves to death, that’ll just mean there’ll be more turkey and stuffing for the rest of us.
Now here’s something else even Fox News is afraid to present: “OJ’s Turkey Carving Tips”
- Finally, Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves took time out in the kitchen from whipping up a batch of Wilford Brimley’s Erotic Stuffing Mix for Thanksgiving to dash off a couple of early Turkey Day odes:
Too much turkey
And cranberry jelly
Too little trousers
To cover my belly
To get government job
Is my hope
Then go to the airport
To get a grope.
EROTIC TURKEY BASTING TIPS HOT LINE
e-mail your romantic recipes to the Blower’s Cooking Show Hostess Marilyn “Turkey Neck” Harris today.
More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans
Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our November fund-raising drive by the Freebee Store, because of all that extra business they’re getting from all those unemployed people during the Obama Recession.
Whistleblower Thanksgiving Day Videos