WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2016
Wednesday Wattles
TOMORROW IS THANKSGIVING DAY and maybe we all need to try to get out of our eight-year Obama Administration depression and just be grateful for the little we’ll have during the final 58 dreadful days of the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless the First Black President in History is impeached, so let’s all sing:
It’s beginning to look a lot like Thanksgiving,
Everywhere you go.
Take a look at your Kroger store,
They’ve got turkeys by the score,
And RamaHanuKwanzMas wreaths on the door!”
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says no matter what our Obama Supporters in the Press would have you believe, Barack Hussein Obama did not come up with the idea of a Presidential Pardon for turkeys on Thanksgiving. Whistleblower Presidential Historian Patrick Maloney says that idea originated in 1863 with Abraham Lincoln, when Lincoln’s Thanksgiving Proclamation included: “I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.”
BUT INSTEAD, OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Jon Stewart’s “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
REMEMBERING HOW UNCLE JAY USED TO EXPLAIN: Three years ago, when Uncle Jay helped little minds understand big news stories, we learned what happened when the start of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving were on the same night and a lot of families were combining the best of both holidays together.
TURKEY MURDERERS IN NORTHERN KENTUCKY: This archived Patrick Reddy Fishwrap photo shows Stephanie Tewes, whose family owns Tewes Poultry Farm in Erlanger, holding a 50-pound tom turkey. The farm raises about five gazillion turkeys a year. Curiously, The Fishwrap made no mention of the fact that the head of Stephanie’s pet “Gex” would be chopped off in time for Thanksgiving dinner at the Tewes house.
And if that isn’t something to piss off PETA, check out this remake of WKRP’s Classic Turkey Drop.
WARNING: Don’t let lawyers sue the stuffing out of you this Thanksgiving. The Center for Consumer Freedom says make sure you sign your 2016 Thanksgiving Guest Liability and Indemnification Form to keep your holiday cook in the clear. To prevent greedy trial lawyers from wrangling your guests into suing you for contributing to the so-called “obesity epidemic,” the CCF has prepared this essential liability waiver. Make sure all your Turkey Day guests sign it.
ARE YOU READY FOR SOME STUFFING? Horny in Hebron says maybe we can do better with this piece of poetic perversion from Wilford Brimley, whose Erotic No-Hands Turkey Stuffing Tips are always a holiday favorite for many of our Pervert Subscribers.
He laid her on the table
So white clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast
And then drooling felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide…he looked inside
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms……….v
And then he stuffed the turkey.
TOMORROW WE’LL BE ANNOUNCING the Ohio and Northern Kentucky winners of the Whistleblower’s 2016 Turkey of the Year Contest, sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurant. Most people remember 2011 when our noxious nominees included That Corrupt Evicted Lying Plagiarizing Meddling Overblown Tax-and-Spend RINO Bitch-in-a-Ditch Mean Jean Schmidt; Hamilton County Demo-Labor Party Boss Tim Burka and County Commissioner Me, Greg Hartmann; Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune; “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and Hamilton County’s Disingenuous DemocRAT Double-Dipping Auditor; Announced GOP Congressional Candidate Brad Wenstrup; Defeated Cincinnati City Clown-cil Candidates Chris Bortz and Ghizzy Lizzy, along with the rest of Alex T.’s “Vote for Five Slate” (Amy Murray, Wayne Man, and the Windbag); Dainty DemocRAT Cincinnati Mayor Mark Mallory; WLW Hate Radio Trash Talker Bill Cunningham; P.J. Sittenfeld; Hamilton County Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP; Cincinnati Tea Party President Chris Littleton; Ohio RINO Party Boss Kevin DeWhine; Ohio State Senator Shannon Faulkner Jones and Governor Kasich; Litigious Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney and his faithful Butt Boy, SMLP Chris Smithermouth; Schnozzy Heimlich; Virg “The Scourge” Lovitt; Ohio State Senator Connie “The Pillager”; Clermont County GOP Vice Chairman Joe “Know it All; Braun; and last, but not least, Eric “Call Me Crazy, Big Mouth, Most Sanctioned, Ambulance Chaser, No Count of a Radio Host, Shameless Self Promoter, Willie Wannabe, Why Haven’t I Been Disbarred, Who Likes Bulldogs and Failed Roadhouse Operator” Deters. [WATCH THAT VIDEO HERE]
And don’t forget, like everything else in The Blower, nominees will always be discriminated against on the basis of race, religion, color, sex, age, non-disqualifying physical or mental disability, national origin, sexual orientation, or any other basis covered by local law). Northern Kentucky turkeys won’t be left out, because separate winners will be awarded for both Ohio and the Bluegrass.
Remember, this is the Official “Turkey of the Year” Contest. Any other “Turkey of the Year” Contest you may see published elsewhere on Thanksgiving is surely a fake, especially that crappy one in the Morning Fishwrap.
FINALLY, it was no joke in yesterday’s edition. Clueless Marc Wilson and our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane actually do plan to meet at the Golden Corral on Thanksgiving, although each plans to start from the opposite end of the buffet line.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Weight Gainers Members.
WILFORD BRIMLEY’S EROTIC
NO-HANDS TURKEY STUFFING TIPS HOT LINE
e-mail your ribald requests today.
Some turkey stuffing items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally turkey stuffing subscribers.
Whistleblower Video of the Day
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
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