THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2016
Today, Jokewriters All Over America Are Working On Their Second Presidential Debate Jokes.
(Meanwhile, On Monday And Wednesday This Week On Late Night TV We Heard)
- There are now about six more weeks left in the election. And we know that because this morning, Trump’s hair popped out and saw its shadow.
- The second presidential debate is just 11 days away, and this one will have a town hall format. The first question will be, “Why’d you have to do this in OUR town?”
- It’s reported that even the Taliban actually had a debate viewing party. So for the first time, it looks like they’re torturing themselves.
- The debate was actually split into several themes. America’s direction, America’s prosperity, America’s security, and then strangely “America’s ninja warrior.”
- There were actually 1,000 people in the audience tonight and they were instructed not to applaud or cheer during the debate. As people watching were like, “What about sobbing? Can we quietly sob?”
- In addition to costumes, they also banned balloons and drones. Which explains why Trump uninvited Chris Christie and Ben Carson.
- Hillary Clinton is campaigning with Bernie Sanders for the millennial vote. They’re trying to get millennials with the opening line, “Hey, our combined age is approximately one millennium.”
- At the next debate, Donald Trump is threatening to talk about all of Bill Clinton’s affairs. Hillary’s not too worried, because the debate’s only 90 minutes.
- Donald Trump is still being mocked for promising in the debate to “cut taxes bigly.” Trump has apologized, and promised in the next debate he’ll “speak more goodly.”
- The organizer of the presidential debates is allowing social media users to vote on debate questions. That’s why, as of today, the No. 1 question for the next presidential debate is “hey, u up?”
- Last night, Donald Trump told an audience that before Monday’s debate — this is a quote — “I pretended I was talking to my family.” Then he admitted he frequently accuses his family of deleting emails and creating ISIS.
- Hillary Clinton has asked “Shark Tank’s” Mark Cuban to attend tonight’s debate. Trump was furious and said, “A billionaire reality star has no business being at a presidential debate.”
- A new study says men who have more sex are more likely to pray. Especially if they forgot to use birth control.
- On Friday, Donald Trump added more names to his list of potential candidates for the Supreme Court. So congratulations to Judge Judy and Dog the Bounty Hunter.
Before tonight’s debate, President Obama told Hillary Clinton, “Be yourself.” Then Obama told Donald Trump, “Please, please, please be yourself.”
- Tonight was the first presidential debate between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton and honestly, I meant to watch it, I really did, but right before the debate aired, I was flipping through my DVR and I ended up watching this show called “MacGyver.”
- It is a reboot of the ’80s show. Well, it has everything. It has action. It has adventure. He made a parachute out of the canopy of a truck! [Clip voiceover] “Take one canvas, add some tie-downs, a little wind resistance, you got yourself a parachute.” I mean sure, he got hit by a car afterwards, but it was still awesome.
- There were lots of controversies leading up to these debates, like when Donald Trump accused NBC’s debate moderator Lester Holt of bias, stating that he was a Democrat when in fact, Lester Holt has been a registered Republican the whole time. This is just like how MacGyver thought his girlfriend Nikki Carpenter was a good guy when actually she was a double agent working for the terrorists the whole time.
- Based on the post-debate analysis, it sounded like Donald Trump as usual spent a lot of time deflecting the tough questions. Kind of like how MacGyver deflected those bullets with a drink tray. [shows clip] We just knew the waiters happened to be using reinforced stainless steel to serve their cocktails.
- According to Forbes magazine, Donald Trump’s wealth is down $800 million from last year. He’s only worth $3.7 billion now, and I’ll tell you something, Mexico is going to pay for it.
- But the good news is, while his net worth may be down, his self-worth is at an all-time high.
- Yesterday was National Register to Vote Day. Singer Katy Perry got naked and told people to vote. The video got like 6 million views already. Hopefully it encouraged people to sign up. But here’s the thing: Anyone who needs Katy Perry to take her shirt off in order to register to vote should not be allowed to register to vote.
- It’s our responsibility as Americans to register to vote, to go to our local polling places, and make a choice between two people nobody can believe are our only available options.
- Tonight the main event from Hofstra University in Hempstead, New York: Donald Trump vs. Hillary Clinton in the first of three presidential debates. It was a long 90 minutes. But the results are in and not a single voter changed their mind. A huge waste of time. It’s very hard to believe that there are still undecided voters. The choice is pretty orange-and-white.
- The experts said in order to win, Hillary Clinton had to project an image of competence, experience, wisdom, health, and vitality, without coming off as angry, bookish, or overbearing. Donald Trump had to not mention his [genitals].
- This was expected to be the most-watched debate ever. The ratings were expected to rank up with the finale of “Cheers,” the finale of “M.A.S.H.” Makes sense, in a way this election feels like the series finale of America.
- A man in Washington State was fined this week for trying to drive in a carpool lane with a cardboard cutout of Donald Trump glued to his passenger seat. Cops became suspicious when Trump’s mouth wasn’t moving.
- After tonight’s debate, several Fox News analysts said that Hillary Clinton was the clear winner. So maybe global warming IS a hoax because hell has frozen over.
- Pundits are noting that this year’s group of debate moderators is the most diverse in history, featuring an African-American, two women, a Filipino, and an openly gay man. Trump was like, “I think I’ve heard this one before, but go ahead.”
- Ahead of tonight’s debate, Hillary Clinton posted an article on Twitter pointing out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living.
- Madonna reportedly bought her son a Donald Trump piñata this weekend to celebrate his birthday. A Donald Trump piñata is just like a regular piñata, except there’s nothing inside.
- Green Party candidate Jill Stein was escorted off the Hofstra University campus this afternoon after she tried to talk to reporters outside of tonight’s debate without proper credentials. As she was being dragged away by police she shouted, “Don’t you know who I am?” and they said, “No. No one does.”
- We all just watched Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton debate for an hour and a half. Coming into tonight’s debate, Democrats were divided between two strong emotions: panic and pants-crapping.
- Democrats have not been this nervous since Anthony Weiner asked to borrow their phone.
- Meanwhile, Donald Trump had to not commit murder — on camera.
- Meanwhile, Hillary was so prepared, my new nickname for her is Preparation H. Yeah, it’s a compliment. In the primaries, she already proved she could “soothe the Bern.”
- Of course, it did not take long for one of these two candidates to tell a lie. [clip of Hillary saying, “Donald, it’s good to be with you.”] False! Where are the fact-checkers? Pinocchio!
- The debate was moderated by NBC’s Lester Holt, which makes sense since he hosted “Dateline” and is used to two rich white people who want to murder each other
More Political Posters With Punch Lines
More Political Punch Lines Later on The Whistleblower Newswire