FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2015
Maybe We Should Just Call it Beerfest
Yesterday at the Conservative Agenda, Political Insiders were asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane if The Blower would be refraining from using the word “Oktoberfest” again this year.
“Of course we will, but I’m not sure it will do a lot of good,” Kane explained. “You saw how hard we try to convince people Hillary’s campaign had written her Hillary’s doctor’s phony pneumonia report, and not a single other media outlet in the universe figured how we were right, there’s not much use trying educate anybody in our Dumbed-Down Obamaland that it’s not already Oktober even if the date on their cell phones says “September.”
This year, as an extra added attraction, you can even park your car at Findlay Market and pay to ride the $143 million Trolley Folly down to the Banks for Septemberfest. We hope you don’t get mugged.
What kind of so-called Family-Oriented Event needs 108 different kinds of beer? Over-eating Organizers say this weekend fat-ass people who claim to be of German heritage will be consuming 23,000 soft pretzels, more than 80,000 brats, more than 80,000 metts, 20,000 cream puffs, 6,000 pickles, and 700 pounds of Limburger cheese. Can’t you just feel the arteries hardening?
Today there were 100 dachshunds racing to be crowned the winning wiener at the Running of the Wieners on Race Street between Second Street and Freedom Way instead of on Fountain Square, where they were last year.
Organizers couldn’t get Donald Trump to be the Grand Marshal, so somebody came up with the hokey idea of letting the entire FC Cincinnati team be “grand marshals,” and somebody is going to have to teach all those soccer players how to do the Chicken Dance. Whistleblower Alternate Life-Style Editors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis are still hoping Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback will be on hand to lead the Gay Chicken Dance, after Obama White House’s New Ambassador of Gayness From Outer Space— Star Trek’s George Takei was here in 2013.
Meanwhile, many guys hope the women they might meet downtown at Cincinnati’s Septemberfest Celebration will look something like this.
But in case they turn out to be the kind of Skanks who usually show up downtown, we have sleazy Jerry Springer’s top ten sure-fire Septemberfest pickup lines:
10. So what grade are you in, Honey?
9. Has anybody ever told you that you look like Della Sutorious?
8. Did you vote for me on “Dancing with the Stars?”
7. Mind if I share your Port-o-let?
6. Care for a bite of my bratwurst?
5. Hey, Fraulein, nice kraut!
4. I’m not wearing anything under my lederhosen.
3. My overnight ratings are terrific.
2. If you think my nose is big…
…And Jerry Springer’s number one Septemberfest pickup line is… Are you really sure you won’t take a check?
Prosit!
