FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2017
Tonight’s Top Conservative News Stories You Won’t See On The Front Page Of Tomorrow’s Fishwrap
(Or On Channels 5, 9, 12, And 19, Either)
— MORE WHISTLEBLOWER NEWS VIEWS —
Conservative Caterwauling
WTF Do You Mean—The DOJ Doesn’t Plan To Charge Former IRS Official Lois Lerner Over Her Role In The TEA Party Targeting Scandal? Trump’s Justice Department Lets Lois Lerner Off The Hook
Tonight’s Sight-And-Sound Bites
Paul Joseph Watson: The Truth About Hurricane Irma
Maxine Waters: “You See How Much They Want To Kill Me”
Actress: Hurricanes Are Nature’s Punishment for Voting for Trump
Mark Dice: CNN: The Clown News Network
— SUBSCRIBE TO BIASED FAKE NEWS —
— TONIGHT’S PHOTO-SHOP EDITORIAL SPOOF ON CURRENT EVENTS FROM EDWARD CROPPER —
Levin: Trump Threw Wall Leverage ‘Out The Window’ On Debt Deal
TO SEE MORE PHOTO SHOP EDITORIAL SPOOFS FROM EDWARD CROPPER, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM BIG HAIRY NEWS —
Maxine Waters: “They Want To Kill Me”
WASHINGTON (World News Bureau) – Rep. Maxine Waters (RTRD-Ca) claims members of some ‘alt-right’ groups are wanting to kill her.
Waters on Wednesday asked terror experts for answers on how to combat those she said are sending her death threats. “What can we do to deal with the KKK, the white nationalists, the Nazis, the Presbyterians, and that awful Pepe the Frog character? Go look at Breitbart and YouTube, you see how much they want to kill me.”
A GOP spokesman was quick to dispute Water’s claims: “That is absolutely ridiculous – I assure you, there are literally millions of people not in those groups who want her dead just as much or more.”
In a spirit of bipartisanship, one conservative group says they are going to mount a public campaign of support for Waters by distributing free tee shirts featuring the paranoid octogenarian (below).
TO SEE MORE FROM BIG HAIRY NEWS, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE — 
TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S BUZZ FROM THE BABYLON BEE —
Joel Osteen Assures Church He Will Continue To Preach False Gospel In Spite Of Critics
HOUSTON, TX—After enduring criticism for what some felt was a poor response to the Hurricane Harvey crisis on the part of Lakewood Church, Pastor Joel Osteen proudly stood in front of his congregation Sunday morning and reassured his church members that he would continue to preach the false prosperity gospel, even in the face of withering criticism. (MORE)
TO HEAR MORE BUZZ FROM THE BABYLON BEE, CLICK HERE
— NOW HERE’S TONIGHT’S FAKE NEWS FUN FROM THE ONION —
Climate Change Denier Battens Down Worldview To Weather Hurricane Irma
OWENSBORO, KY—Taking all necessary measures to reinforce his cherished beliefs ahead of the impending storm, local climate change denier Michael Dunn reportedly spent Friday battening down his worldview to help weather Hurricane Irma. “This could be the big one that completely destroys my position that climate change is a government conspiracy,” said Dunn, who sources confirmed had fortified his stance that global warming was merely a scheme by climatologists for research funding and hastily stockpiled pseudo-scientific reports from the internet claiming that excess CO2 is good for the environment. “All I can do now is ride it out and hope that I’ve done enough to protect my ideology from being completely leveled by this storm. I hate to say it, but I’m preparing for the worst.” At press time, Dunn was reportedly praying this hurricane was just another act of God’s vengeance against homosexuality.
See more stories from The Onion HERE
— TONIGHT’S BEN GARRISON MOMENT —
The Shadow Government
MORE BEN GARRISON ILLUSTRATIONS
The Whistleblower Newswire Is Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda Is Now Working On Donald Trump’s Third 100 Days To Make America Great Again. Monday Is Day Number 233. There Are Now Only 1,151 More Days Until Trump’s Re-election Day on November 3, 2020.
