FRIDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2021
TRUMP’S THREE-HUNDRED-AND-THIRTY-EIGHTH DAY OUT-OF OFFICE
AND WE’RE WISHING YOU A VERY COVID CHRISTMAS
T’was the night before Christmas, but Covid was here,
So we all had to stay extra cautious this year.
Our masks were all hung by the chimney with care
In case Santa forgot his and needed a spare.
With Covid, we couldn’t leave cookies or cake
So we left Santa hand sanitizer to take.
The children were sleeping, the brave little tots
The ones over 5 had just had their first shots,
And mom in her kerchief and me in my cap
Had just settled in for a long winter’s nap.
But we tossed and we turned all night in our beds
As visions of variants danced in our heads.
Gamma and Delta and now Omicron
These Covid mutations that go on and on
I thought to myself, “If this doesn’t get better,
I’ll soon be familiar with every Greek letter”.
Then just as I started to drift off and doze
A clatter of noise from the front lawn arose.
I leapt from my bed and ran straight down the stair
I opened the door, and an old gent stood there.
His N 95 made him look pretty weird
But I knew who he was by his red suit and beard.
I kept six feet away but blurted out quick
” What are you doing here, jolly Saint Nick?”
Then I said, “Where’s your presents, your reindeer and sleigh?
Don’t you know that tomorrow will be Christmas Day? “
And Santa stood there looking sad in the snow
As he started to tell me a long tale of woe.
He said he’d been stuck at the North Pole alone
All his white collar elves had been working from home,
And most of the others said “Santa, don’t hire us!
We can live off the CERB now, thanks to the virus”.
Those left in the toyshop had little to do.
With supply chain disruptions, they could make nothing new.
And as for the reindeer, they’d all gone away.
None of them left to pull on his sleigh.
He said Dasher and Dancer were in quarantine,
Prancer and Vixen refused the vaccine,
Comet and Cupid were in ICU,
So were Donner and Blitzen, they may not pull through.
And Rudolph’s career can’t be resurrected.
With his shiny red nose, they all think he’s infected.
Even with his old sleigh, Santa couldn’t go far.
Every border to cross needs a new PCR.
Santa sighed as he told me how nice it would be
If children could once again sit on his knee.
He couldn’t care less if they’re naughty or nice
But they’d have to show proof that they’d had their shot twice.
But then the old twinkle returned to his eyes.
And he said that he’d brought me a Christmas surprise.
When I unwrapped the box and opened it wide,
Starlight and rainbows streamed out from inside.
Some letters whirled round and flew up to the sky
And they spelled out a word that was 40 feet high.
There first was an H, then an O, then a P,
Then I saw it spelled HOPE when it added the E.
“Christmas magic” said Santa as he smiled through his beard.
Then suddenly all of the reindeer appeared.
He jumped into his sleigh and he waved me good-bye,
Then he soared o’er the rooftops and into the sky.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight
“Get your vaccines my friends, Merry Christmas, good-night”.
Then I went back to bed and had a sweet Christmas dream
Of a world when we’d finished with Covid 19
It’s Always More Blessed to Receive
Hurley the Historian says the exact date of Jesus’ birth is not known, but that’s not a good enough reason to change all the calendars. Plus, tonight as usual, TBS and TNT will be airing “A Christmas Story” twelve times during Christmas Eve and Christmas. Politicians will be exploiting Christmas every chance they get. We’re wondering if it’ll be as bad as it was a couple of years ago when in Washington State, somebody nailed Santa to a cross to protest Christmas commercialism, and in New Zealand, drunk Santas stormed a movie theater, leaving children really confused.
The reason we’re seeing more Christmas scenes taking place at Joseph’s carpenter shop in Bethlehem instead of the stable in Nazareth (70 miles away) is due to a change in Roman Catholic Church policy of favoring Matthew’s version of the story as opposed to the other three New Testament authors. Besides, they found a sponsor for the carpenter shop location: Black and Decker.
Our Quote for Today Committee selected Bad Santa’s “It’s always more blessed to receive.” Our Pervert Porn Checker e-mailed us a picture entitled “How to get what you want for Christmas,” and sure enough, it showed Santa getting a BJ. And if you think that’s in bad taste, The Blower remembers that Corporate Christmas Card the Greedy Weasels at Clear Channel sent to some of their soon-to-be-fired employees who once again received no Christmas bonuses that year. But things are look a little bit better this year, especially after Congress finally passed Trump’s Tax Cuts and some companies started giving out big bonus checks.
Is it always better to give or receive? Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says, “Just ask all thoseDumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For “Crooked Hillary” in 2016’s Rigged Presidential Election, and get all of their “fake news” from News Liars at The Destroy Trump Media, Like The Ones At The Fishwrap And On Channel 5, 9, 12, And 19, Even After RINOs Tried To Give It All Away By Losing The House Of Representatives In Trump’s 2018 Mid-Term Elections And Dishonest D-RATS Got Caught Trying To Cheat Once Again in 2020, ensured that the Divided States of America would have a government it truly deserves.
More Christmas Crap
When we last left our over-the-top Obamamaniacs Tom and Rose, Rose had just returned from a very short stay in the hospital where she was being treated for frostbite. Tom was preparing to head home from his volunteer fund-raising job at National Public Radio to cheer up Rose’s day with a nice bouquet of Obama-loons. But, before he left the office, Tom cooked up another real surprise for Rose by booking a trip to the Holy Land on Priceline.com, using his new MoveOn.org credit card. “I’ve always wanted to see the birth place of the savior,” said a happy Tom. “And, I hear this is an especially nice time of the year to visit Hawaii, the State that gave us our Obamessiah!”
Speaking of Hawaii: This Christmas The Blower misses seeing All Our Obamas spending Christmas on Oahu just like they did for eight straight years when he was in office. At least this year federal and local over-taxed payers aren’t likely to be left with another holiday bill that tops $4 million in borrowed money for the Obama family’s security and travel expenses to the exclusive retreat known for its turquoise waters and rolling surf.
On the other hand, at least this year President Trump didn’t have to cancel Christmas In Florida to deal with Schumer’s Shutdown.
WHISTLEBLOWER CHRISTMAS TREE ORNAMENTS
AND IN THE MARKDOWN BIN
What if Bobby Leach handled Santa’s Correspondence?
Please send me a baby brother.
And Santa wrote back: “Send me your mother…”
The Amazing Chabot Head Decorated for the Holidays with the Star of Dubya on Top
An e-mail From Santa
It’s the night before Christmas and I’m really pissed. I’ve cussed out the elves and I’ve thrown down my list.
Those miserable brats, those ungrateful jerks. I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I’ve busted my ass for nearly a year. Instead of “Thanks a lot, Santa,” what do I hear?
The old lady bitches ’cause I work late at night. The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids. Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better, those assholes from the IRS just sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes, if that ain’t damn funny. Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids nowadays, they’re all just the pits. They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds. Assembling dolls…their arms, legs, and their heads.
I made lots of yo-yos. No request for them. They want computers and robots… who am I, IBM?
Flying through the air, dodging those trees. Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I’m quitting this job. There’s just no enjoyment. I’ll sit on my fat ass and collect unemployment.
There’ll be no Christmas this year. Now you know the reason.
I found me a blonde. I’m going South for the season.
Maybe next year, you’ll get something nice. But tonight just for you, I have some advice.
Get up off your asses. You have until dawn. Wal-Mart will be open, till everything’s gone.
Now Here’s Another Holiday Safety Tip
Your friends at the Newtown Fire House say, “Please remember: Grandma is flammable.”
TAKING CHRIST OUT OF X-MA$ HOTLINE
e-mail your liberal blasphemies today.
Some politically incorrect items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally politically incorrect subscribers.
Whistleblower Christmas Videos
Bobby Leach’s All Time Favorite Christmas Song