FRIDAY, JANUARY 29, 2021
TRUMP’S NINTH DAY OUT OF OFFICE
AND IF YOU THINK THE COST OF YOUR DOG LICENSE IS OUTRAGEOUS, WAIT TILL WE TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR JACKED-UP SCHOOL TAXES NEXT WEEK
The Whistleblower’s 61st Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (Not Associated With The Failed United Way) Is Now Underway.
We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.
Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.The Poochy Barker Story
TODAY’S SEEDIEST KID OF ALL is Young Poochy Barker, who couldn’t have a puppy because his dad was afraid if he couldn’t pay the outrageous Hamilton County’s dog license fees by January 31 or else the price would be doubled, and the Disingenuous D-RAT Auditor would make sure the Barker name was published in the newspaper so the entire family would be too ashamed to show their faces in public.
So the Seediest Kids of All (not affiliated with the Failed United Way Campaign) sent over a digital dog. It sits up and speaks and craps on the rug just like a real dog. It even humps grandma’s leg. Noted businessman-socialite-indicted felon-tax scofflaw Roger Ach invited Young Poochy to his Christmas party so he could meet other contemptuous law violators who didn’t like paying higher dog license fees, or any other taxes for that matter. “Never worry about paying for stuff like that,” Roger advised Young Poochy. “What can they do to you, foreclose on your damn house? And even if they do, you can always get some rich sucker like Carl Lindner to buy it and let you live there for free, at least until his sons find out and make him kick your sorry ass out on the street.”
The entire Barker family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All, but it’s really you they have to thank, since it’s your liberal guilt throughout the year which makes it all possible.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE
e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.