FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2017

Presidents’ Day Poetry

This week, everybody who lets their kids open their Presidents’ Day presents on Presidents’ Day Eve e-mailed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest. The winner is noted presidential scholar Elwood P. Twiddle, PHD, instructor emeritus at Hooven Tech.

Elwood wins bus fare to visit the home of William Henry Harrison, that’s been paved over to become the intersection of Washington and Symmes Streets in North Bend, Ohio; a steel-engraved portrait of George Washington suitable for framing, and commemorative kneepads from the Clinton White House. His winning limerick is:

The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day
Is that them we no longer obey
Though Abe was a prince
With Obama I wince
Wish he was a Good DemocRAT today.

The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day
Is putting on a powdered toupee
And playing judge with a gavel:
Have a big one, will travel…
“Don’t sanction me, bro – I’m OK!!”

Dishonorable Mentions
The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day
Shouldn’t be getting a day off with pay.
The purpose, you slacker,
Is to become a statesmen like backer,
Because our virtues are in serious decay.

The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day
Besides having a day off with pay;
Is not to be patriotic,
But to do something erotic,
And celebrate our moral decay.

The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day,
(Other than staying home with full pay);
Is that Clinton, Carter, and others,
One day will join those dead mothers,
And we won’t have to hear the crap that they say.

The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day
Is putting apostrophes in play.
Some people guess
Before, or AFTER the ‘ess’,
Whatever would your English teacher say?

And from the Anderson Laureate (who now knows why his poetic license is being revoked and now has something to tell the padre at this week’s confession):

The best part about Dead Presidents’ Day
Is that the Messiah will eventually end up that way.
Then we’ll see him no more
Especially at Mt. Rushmore
If I never see him again, that’s OK.

The best part of dead Presidents’ Day
Is that at some point this one will also be that way.
I don’t wish him bad luck
(Though I really don’t give a good … uh … “darn”)
Just call me a nasty old Republican ofay!

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“This Month We Study Black History”

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Horny Historians.