TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2017
Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers
According to Whistleblower Lexicographer Funkin’ Wagnalls, the proper spelling for yesterday’s invented holiday is “Presidents’ Day,” not “President’s Day” or “Presidents Day.” —Sidney Spellchecker
Please tell Sidney correct spelling is irrelevant in today’s graduate’s from public screwel’s. Everybody now know’s that almost any and every “s” at the end of a word should be preceded by an apostrophe. Look around. It’s used car’s, a sale on TV’s, three taco’s for two dollar’s, three suit’s free with the purchase of one (at JOE-seff A. Bank), etc. Want frie’s with that? Or would it be spelled, Want fry’s with that? Whatever! —Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin
I much preferred it when the nation celebrated Washington’s and Lincoln’s birthdays separately, before Congress opted to change that practice for a three-day weekend. But much more I preferred it when our Presidents were proud to uphold the dignity of the office – before President Obama embarrassed himself (without realizing it) and us with his Buzzfeed video. May the Good Lord help us! —Bob McConnell, The Guy Who Sends You All Those Conservative Cartoons
Why didn’t The Blower just wish everybody a happy patri-idiotic Washington- Adams- Jefferson- Madison- Monroe- Adams- Jackson- Van Buren- Harrison- Tyler- Polk- Taylor- Fillmore- Pierce- Buchanan- Lincoln- Johnson- Grant- Hayes- Garfield- Arthur- Cleveland- Harrison- McKinley- Roosevelt- Taft-Wilson- Harding- Coolidge- Hoover- Roosevelt- Truman- Eisenhower- Kennedy- Johnson- Nixon- Ford- Carter- Reagan- Bush 41- Clinton- Bush 43-Obama-Trump Day? —Whistleblower Presidential Historian Dorian Grady
If you’re going to insist on always using “Bush 41” and “Bush 43,” then you must also use “Adams 2” and “Adams 6,” “Harrison 9” and “Harrison 24,” “Johnson 17” and “Johnson 36,” and “Roosevelt 26” and “Roosevelt 32.” —Nerdly Nitpicker
Yesterday we just wished everybody Happy “Barack Obama is the Only President We Will Ever Care About” Day. —Obama Supporters in the Press
During last year’s Presidents’ Day Weekend, over-taxed payers treated Obama to another well-deserved weekend golfing vacation while The Mooch doubled the cost with her separate over-taxed-payer-funded holiday in Aspen. —The Obamas for Divided Marriages America
Here’s some good news: Only one in five companies with fewer than 500 employees say they are “likely” or “very likely” to discontinue company-provided healthcare coverage within five years. — Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from our Obama Supporters in the Press, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19
Thanks for telling all your Persons of Consequence that the easiest most elementary tasks of party leadership is securing a candidate. Any candidate.Failing in the that……everything else about party significance becomes immaterial/irrelevant. —Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex T., Mall Cop GOP
Please don’t ask how Obama and the Disingenuous DemocRATS could reconcile their objections to the GOP position not to vote on his Supreme Court nominee when Senator Obama and I supported a filibuster against Bush nominee, Samuel Alito. —Dishonest DemocRAT Senate Minority Leader Up-Chuck Schumer
Actually, I was not the first person to use obscenities in American politics. —Donald Fucking Trump
Not all of the women my husband cheated on me with claimed he told them I was a Lesbian. —Hillary
If I had won, it would’ve been the first time a Jewish family moved into public housing that was left vacant by a black family. —Bernie Sanders
What do you think will happen when I show up at the White House on Friday? —Delusional Ohio Governor John Kasich
Does anybody remember last year when the Clermont County Republican Party was considering un-endorsing me? —Ohio Second District Podiatrist/ Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup
Last week State Rep. John Becker of Union Township in Clermont County introduced a “right to work” bill intended at damaging Ohio’s public sector unions, so this year I decided to do the same thing for private sector unions. —“TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman
Does anybody remember the last time we set up one of our biased televised debates between “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman and whoever was running against him? —League of Women Vipers
How many Stupid Protesters do you think will show up when I address the Northern Kentucky and Cincinnati Chambers of Commerce on Thursday at Hotel Covington where guests will dine on their choice of buttermilk fried chicken or seared Atlantic salmon? —Bitch McConnell
All day on Presidents’ Day, the Cronies were waiting to see if Monday’s big snow scare would affect tonight’s long-awaited Lincoln Reagan Uible Day Dinner featuring Kentucky Senator Rand Paul. —Clermont County Republicans
It’s truly an honor to be among this year’s finalists with Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane for the Ebony and Ivory Racial Healing Awards during Black History Month, now last year was called Half-Black History Month in honor of the current resident at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. —Buckwheat Blackwell
Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. —The Seediest Kids of All
We think we deserve more credit. —United Appall People
We’re currently investigating that curious similarity between Saturday’s Patronage County column entitled “Be My Valentine” published 33 years ago and Thursday’s “Valentine’s Daze” E-dition. —Freddie Factchecker
We can hardly wait for all the news coverage of this year’s Mardi Gras celebration. —Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo
It was so tame last year, our “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras” tape could turn out to be a real bust. —Mainstrasse Merchants
You know you love Mardi Gras too much if you wake up in court with your pants on backwards. —Archie Wilson
We were even going to run a special “Mardi Gras” edition of our “This Week in Kenton Circuit Court” Newsletter, but nothing exciting happened. —Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders
Did you know Mardi Gras means “Fat Tuesday?” —Weight Gainers
Does anybody at Channel 5 remember when I used to call Fat Tuesday e-Norma’s Tuesday? —Quisling Charlie Luken
Did you know when you translate “Mardi Gras,” it means “Fat Mardi.” —Goof Doofus
I keep dreaming about Mardi Gras Night at a casino. —Bluegrass Governor Steve BeShear
I keep dreaming about our DemocRAT Dominatrix dressed only in beads. —Rick “The Batboy” Robinson
Whenever I throw beads at slutty girls, they always throw them back. —Will “The Thrill” Terwort
Did they do anything special for Mardi Gras at Golden Corral? —Clueless Marc Wilson
For some of us, every Tuesday is “Fat Tuesday.” —Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich
You can’t imagine how much drinking goes on at Mardi Gras. —Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith
When will The Blower start counting down till BB&BJ Day? —Horny in Hebron
I just got done reading the new Sports Illustrated “Swimsuit Edition,” but only for the articles. —Your Good Friend Bobby Leach
What articles? —Ex-Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass
The guys at the station tell me I should be on the Swimsuit Edition? —TV 19’s Lingerie-Model-Turned-Reporter-Turned-Anchorbimbo Tricia “Leemarie” Macke
I quit WXIX-TV to embark on the most ambitious independent journalism project in history and make the Truth in Media project a reality.You’ll never guess where I’m working today. —Ben Swann
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially SWIMSUIT PHOTOGRAPHERS.
More Presidents’ Day E-Cards
— Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —
Sometimes The Blower makes fun of Mardi Gras to show that women who bare their breasts in public for a few crummy beads will not be tolerated in our society. This should be clear to anybody who isn’t a real slut.
This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental — especially guys who throw the beads.
MARDI GRAS CELEBRATION HOT LINE
e-mail your ribald revelry today.
Some vile-and-disgusting items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally vile-and-disgusting subscribers.
WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO OF THE DAY
HERE’S WHAT AMERICA MISSED ON PRESIDENTS’ DAY (A Real President)
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
