SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2016

The Whistleblower’s 60th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (Not Associated With The Failed United Way) Is Now Underway. We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.           Today’s Seediest Kid of All Is

“LITTLE GREGGIE” DELEV, an unhappy 14-year-old Anderson Township second-grader who was never chosen for anything important, no matter how much he sucked up to everybody at school. His teacher wouldn’t let him clean the erasers. Class officers wouldn’t support him for hall monitor. The principal wouldn’t sign his petition for safety patrol. And the coach wouldn’t even let him dress up in a gerbil suit to be the team mascot.

            So the Seediest Kids of All (not affiliated with the Failed United Way) called Anderson Township Trustee “In Russ We Trust” Jackson, who got “TaxKiller Tom” Brinkman to arrange an honor truly befitting “Little Greggie’s” talents and abilities, to be honorary bagholder at the Annual Anderson Township Bulgarian-American Snipe Hunt. Felonious Fund-raiser Dickie Weiland tried to get support from his sleazy lobbyist friends in Columbus, “Maudlin Mike” Allen offered his meaningless endorsement, Family Friendly Fascist Chris Finney showed up at one of “Little Greggie’s” press conference and called him an asshole, and Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane promised never to hold him up to public ridicule.

            The Delev family is grateful to the Seediest Kids of All for helping “Little Greggie” reach his true potential holding the bag, but it’s really you they have to thank, because it’s your liberal guilt giving throughout the year which makes it all possible.

SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL HOT LINE

e-mail your stories about worthy waifs today.