THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2016

Slapstick in South Carolina

There should be a lot of laughs for Conservatives watching Donald Trump, Jeb Bush and John Kasich in part 2 of CNN’s GOP Town Hall in South Carolina live at 8 p.m. ET.

 Meanwhile, Last Night

• Hillary Clinton had a coughing fit during a speech and the crowd actually chanted her name as she opened a cough drop. She got applause for choking — or as Jeb put it, “Must be nice.”
• After his big win in New Hampshire, they say Hillary’s team is trying to dig up dirt on Bernie Sanders. You know what you call someone who digs up dirt on Bernie Sanders? An archaeologist.
• The big decision for Sanders will be picking a vice president. It’s important because whoever he chooses is just a prostate away from being the next president of the United States.
• What is going on with the Republicans? I watch these debates. Trump attacks Cruz. Rubio goes after Bush. Bush gets into a fight with Trump. Remember the good old days when the Republicans were all united against the poor and the minorities? What happened?
• Scientists from John Hopkins University say that global warming may cause an increase in cases of diarrhea worldwide. You know what that means? Global warming has gone from our number one problem to our number two problem.
• The Earth is as hot as it’s ever been. It is so hot, Bill Cosby is slipping his dates chill pills. It is so hot, immigrants are coming across the border on Slip’N Slides. It is so hot, Donald Trump hit on Megyn Kelly just to get the cold shoulder.

• After saying he would never ditch his glasses, this week Jeb Bush appeared wearing contact lenses. Most people actually do look cooler without glasses, but Jeb looks like a turtle who has lost his shell.
• Is anyone else worried that Jeb got rid of his glasses the same week he got a gun?
• When Barack Obama was asked if Donald Trump could be president, he said, “I continue to believe Mr. Trump will not be president. And the reason is because I have a lot of faith in the American people.” A president with faith in his citizens? I trust everything this guy says.

•  Pope Francis is in Mexico this week where we got to see something yesterday I don’t think we’ve ever seen from a Pope — anger. The Pope all of a sudden gets annoyed and starts yelling at someone in the crowd. I don’t know who he yelled at but it’s kind of fun to see a pissed-off Pope.
• President Obama said he believes Mr. Trump will not be president because the American people “recognize that being president is a serious job. It’s not hosting a talk show.” Maybe I don’t get to do “serious” stuff like pardoning a turkey on Thanksgiving but I’ll tell you something, Mr. Obama: Every minute of every day I’m thinking about how to keep Americans safe from Matt Damon.

• Pope Francis loudly scolded a fan in Mexico yesterday after the man grabbed his arm and pulled him down. And after hearing that the Pope yelled at a Mexican, Donald Trump converted to Catholicism.
• Donald Trump said at a recent campaign rally that he has “never met a human being who’s lied” as much as Ted Cruz. Then Melania said, “You tell ’em, handsome!”
• A cellist in Oregon was arrested after police found over 100 pounds of marijuana in his car trunk. Thankfully, when they pulled him over, he didn’t resort to violins.
• The 140th Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show wrapped up last night and CJ, a German shorthaired pointer, took Best in Show — not, as Steve Harvey announced, “BEETHOVEN!!”
• It’s becoming increasingly obvious that our politics is a contact sport. It’s mano a mano between people who would deport you if you understand the phrase “mano a mano.”
• Bernie Sanders has been fighting an uphill battle against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump is battling with anyone who makes eye contact with him. Which means the only one who’s safe is Ben Carson.
• Stoking the fires of political discontent is the media. You see, for people on TV conflict is our bread and butter, and America is both gluten and lactose intolerant.

Plus a couple of Photographic Punchlines