SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2016
More Politics Unusual
OUR LATE NIGHT TV JOKEWATCHER liked Jimmy Fallon’s: In his victory speech after the New Hampshire primary, Donald Trump claimed the unemployment rate might actually be as high as 42 percent. He might be right, because Hillary just fired her entire campaign staff. It’s been a rough week for Hillary, after Bernie Sanders won the New Hampshire primary by more than 20 points. Bernie said he’s always liked New Hampshire, especially cuz he was around when it was still Old Hampshire. Hillary Clinton recently said it’s a “low blow” for Bernie Sanders to criticize her for not being progressive enough. And if you want to know more about that story, do NOT Google “Clinton low blow.” Save yourself. After finishing second in New Hampshire’s Republican primary, John Kasich said he can handle attacks by Donald Trump saying, “I’m not gonna sit there and be a marshmallow and have somebody pound me.” Then Chris Christie was like, “Anyone else as turned on as I am?”
Conan O’Brien said: Yesterday, Bernie Sanders was a guest on “The View.” There was an awkward moment where Bernie looked around and said “Where’s that MILF Barbara Walters? An exact replica of the Titanic is scheduled to set sail in 2018. The good news is by 2018, there will be no icebergs left to sink it. Ben Carson said he is open to being Donald Trump’s vice president. Yeah, it makes sense, Carson could deliver Trump the black Republican vote — which consists of Ben Carson.
And Seth Meyers said: Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders earlier tonight faced off in a debate on PBS, or as PBS calls it, “Antiques Roadshow.” Chris Christie announced yesterday that he’s dropping out of the presidential race. Christie said he’s not sure what he’ll do now, and then someone reminded him he’s still the governor of New Jersey. Bernie Sanders, yesterday, had breakfast in Harlem with the Reverend Al Sharpton. Interesting, usually when an old white guy goes out to Harlem, it’s because he fell asleep on the train. Jeb Bush today said he is the only candidate who has the you-know-what to go up against Donald Trump. Oh, my god, Jeb. You can’t claim to have balls if you don’t even have the balls to say balls.
HURLEY THE HISTORIAN says on this date around the year 278A.D., St. Valentine, a holy priest in Rome was beheaded on orders from Emperor Claudius The Cruel.
MAYBE THAT’S WHY OUR QUOTE FOR TODAY COMMITTEE chose Charles M. Schulz’s “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
THE LATEST POLLS: Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says two senior Republican senators have called for the Justice Department to step aside and choose an independent special prosecutor to decide whether Hillary Clinton should be prosecuted for mishandling classified information. Most voters think that’s the way to go to avoid any possible conflict of interest.
LIBERAL LUNACY: In Human Events’ “365 Ways to Drive a Liberal Crazy,” it says during Black History Month (formerly known as February), always refer to it as “Fake History Month.” Then explain that you refuse to support a racist event which essentially demeans African Americans by subtly implying that they are too bigoted and dumb to relate to any historical event which doesn’t involve people with the right skin tone.
GOING GALT means taking the John Galt Pledge. Let’s all say it together: “I swear by my life, and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.”
IN THIS WEEK’S COLUMN FROM PATRONAGE COUNTY TITLED “BE MY VALENTINE,” We learned the real meaning behind Valentine’s Day. That op-ed column first appeared in the legendary Mt. Washington Press on February 10, 1982.
PLAGIARISM ALERT: Several Persons of Consequence noticed a tremendous similarity between this week’s Patronage County column entitled “Be My Valentine” published 33 years ago and Saturday’s “Valentine’s Daze” E-dition. Many of the words and phrases appear to have been copied verbatim, which means “word-for-word” for all our Failed Cincinnati Public Schools and Forrest Gump Schools graduates. Is it possible that somebody at The Whistleblower-Newswire pilfered the prose from that little-known op-ed columnist at the Mt. Washington Press for his own purposes? Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane says you may be sure we will be getting to the bottom of it.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL, The Odious Octegenarian: This poem appears in his “Sentimental Poems of Presidential Birthdays,” found in better bookstores everywhere, except in Cleves.
Ode to Presidents’ Days
George Washington, your day is through.
Abe Lincoln, you are done.
Instead of honoring your birthdays,
We just have retail fun.
MEANWHILE, OUR MUCKRAKER had a story last week about Metro bus Driver Tyrone Patrick, who hit and killed a 73-year old pedestrian, Stephen Frank, at the intersection of Erie Avenue and Edwards Road in Hyde Park. In case you missed it, you can read it HERE.
SEEDIEST KIDS OF ALL: Although our campaign is not associated with the Failed United Way, your liberal guilt giving throughout the year still makes it all possible. This week’s Seediest Kid of All was Young Tom Brinkman, who learned to hate taxes at an early age. [READ MORE HERE]
WHISTLEBLOWER SENIOR BUSINESS EDITOR MERRILL FORBES predicts the market will not go down tomorrow, but that’s only because tomorrow is President’s Day and the market is closed.
THE FREE GRAIN PARTY still stands as the last refuge of anyone who’s willing to help himself from the stores of others, and many Free Grain Party Members can hardly wait until the next Disingenuous DemocRAT Debate to see how much FREE Stuff is being promised.
Free Grain Party Members include all DemocRATS, RINO Republicans, some TEA Partiers, quite a few Independents, disgruntled postal workers, senior citizens demanding free prescriptions, those who believe bigger government is the answer to all their problems, everybody who said “what Bill Clinton did was indefensible, but he shouldn’t be removed from office,” and those who think pork-barrel spending is OK as long as their district gets the money.
Unfortunately, that group probably doesn’t include all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and get all of their information from our Obama Supporters in the Press.
FINALLY AT TONIGHT’S MEETING OF THE CONSERVATIVE AGENDA, Political Insiders were still asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane what why his Charles Foster Kane’s Faux Facebook Page had been disabled. “Obviously,” Kane explained, “It was disabled after somebody maliciously reported that our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher who’s been publishing The Blower for the past 25 years might not be a real person.”
Plagiarism Count: Unattributed material was filched from a mere 742 different websites for the production of today’s Blower, many of our filches were from our friends at Weasel Zippers.
AND COMING UP IN “THE WEEK THAT WILL BE”:
MONDAY (FEBRUARY 15), we’ll be celebrating Presidents Daze, while we’re continuing our countdown of the 339 days remaining during the Dark Ages of Obama’s Second Term, unless he’s impeached.
TUESDAY (FEBRUARY 16) we’ll be checking to see if Obama has named his replacement for dead Conservative Justice Scalia yet.
WEDNESDAY, (FEBRUARY 17) On Ash Wednesday, The Blower will be checking to see if Republicans in the Senate plan to block Obama’s nominee.
THURSDAY (FEBRUARY 18) we’ll be catching up on Black Lives Really, Really Matter History Month, and checking all those white people’s “Guilt Indexes.”
THE FIRST LINE OF FRIDAY’S (FEBRUARY 19) LIMERICK IS “The best part about Dead President’s Day.”
AND SATURDAY (FEBRUARY 20) we’ll be getting ready to celebrate the Real Washington’s Birthday on the following Monday, because The Blower believes the Father of Our Country deserves a holiday of his own.
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially REAL RACISTS!
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County’s Disingenuous Double-Dipping Democrat Auditor, who still hasn’t explained exactly how his office came up with its Fair Property Values for your Jacked-Up Property Taxes. Award Winning Photo Illustrator Artis Conception shows us what might happen if you file a complaint with the Auditor’s Board of Revision.
WEEK IN REVIEW HOT LINE
e-mail your revolutionary recaps today
Some political score-keeping items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally political score-keeping subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more. Today’s Whistleblower Video
The 10 Biggest Lies From The Democratic Debate
Note: We guarantee iPhone subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.
Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here
The Whistleblower has always been 100% commercial free, unlike members of the mendacious news media. So if you want to buy an ad on the front page, call The Fishwrap.