— Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda —
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 05, 2017
Tonight’s Top Conservative News Stories You Won’t See On The Front Page Of Tomorrow’s Fishwrap
(Or On Channels 5, 9, 12, And 19, Either)
— THE TOP FIVE STORIES WE’RE WORKING ON —
Radical ANTIFA Terrorists Update
Comey’s Corruption
More Fake News From FAKE NEWS CNN
The Liberals’ Foot Fetish
Pardoning Sheriff Joe
— MORE SIGHT-AND-SOUND BITES —
Obama Agrees With Trump On DACA!
Hillary Clinton vs. James Comey: Email Scandal Supercut
Another MSNBC Idiot On Houston Flood
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—TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE —
Jesse Jackson – Heaven’s Bouncer
Jesse Jackson: Trump ‘Would Not Qualify to Get Into Jesus’ Kingdom’
Protest production has been suffering of late. Several of our more religious comrades have been conscripted into the Heavenly Screeners and Bouncers Group. This is a noble task and worthwhile in every respect. But these vacancies must be filled.
The application process is now open for Race Baiters, Color Extortionists and Shameless Self Promoters. We must fill these vacancies.
Thank you in advance. We appreciate your stepping up in our time of need. No reasonable applicant will be denied.
TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE, CLICK HERE
—TONIGHT’S FAKE NEWS FUN FROM THE ONION —
Trump Fulfills Campaign Promise Of Pushing Major Immigration Decision On Someone Else So He Can Watch TV
WASHINGTON—With the announcement by Attorney General Jeff Sessions that the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program would begin winding down in the next six months, President Donald Trump reportedly fulfilled his long-standing campaign promise Tuesday of finally pushing major immigration decisions onto someone else so he can watch TV. “From the earliest days of his candidacy, Donald Trump vowed to foist large-scale immigration policies onto his underlings so he could lounge around eating snacks and catching up on the cable news shows, and today he made that pledge a reality,” said White House Communications Director Hope Hicks, noting that the millions of Americans around the country who had attended rallies and chanted “pass the buck” had elected Trump to office for this express purpose. “This might not be a decision that pleases the Washington establishment, but it shows voters that when the president says he’s going to make someone else develop policy resolutions so he can flip through a few channels before dozing off in his chair to The Five, he means it.” Hicks added that the administration’s next priority was to make good on the president’s signature promise of indefinitely delaying action on a border wall while he leaves Washington to play golf.
TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE ONION, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM THE BABYLON BEE —
‘The White Race Must Maintain Our Genetic Purity,’ Says Inbred Man
TIFTON, GA—Local white supremacist and product of incest Randy Biggums isn’t shy about his radical beliefs regarding race in America, telling reporters Saturday that Caucasians have a moral responsibility to maintain “genetic purity” by only marrying other “purebred” members of the European race. (MORE)
TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM BABYLON, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S BEN GARRISON MOMENT —
Storm clouds continue to gather on many fronts. There’s a nut job in North Korea with advanced nuclear weapons as well as the ballistic missiles to carry them. His continued saber rattling includes blowing up Guam and an EMP strike on America. The lefties criticize President Trump for speaking out against such bellicosity. Other presidents previously tried to buy off North Korea. The Clinton administration sent former president Jimmy Carter to cut a deal with the hermit state. We ended up giving them $5 billion in aid as well as two nuclear reactors. In return, North Korea agreed to stop pursuing nuclear weapons. We know how well that worked out. Recently the well-aged but still unctuously sanctimonious Carter criticized Trump for not pursuing peace. (MORE)
MORE BEN GARRISON ILLUSTRATIONS
The Whistleblower Newswire Is Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda Is Now Working On Donald Trump’s Third 100 Days To Make America Great Again. Today Is Day Number 230. There Are Now Only 1,154 More Days Until Trump’s Re-election Day on November 3, 2020.
