— Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda —
FRIDAY, AUGUST 25, 2017
Tonight’s Top Conservative News Stories You Won’t See On The Front Page Of Tomorrow’s Fishwrap
(Or On Channels 5, 9, 12, And 19, Either)
TONIGHT’S TOP STORY
Hurricane Harvey Coverage LIVE on CBSN
Now We’re Waiting To See If The Destroy Trump Media Establishment Can Turn Hurricane Harvey Into Trump’s Katrina
Meanwhile, Let’s Look At A Few Of Tonight’s Sight-And-Sound Bites
Trump Administration Confronts First Natural Disaster
Tucker: Sebastian Gorka Resigns!
AP: President Trump Pardons Joe Arpaio
UPI: Trump’s Transgender Military Ban Is Official
Gutfeld: Identity Politics Epidemic
Steyn: Now Hillary Knows How Bill’s Victims Feel
Vandals Decapitate Statue Of A Revolutionary War Colonel In Ohio
Mark Dice: FAKE NEWS CNN Guest Panel Humiliate Host
— ANOTHER FAKE NEWS SUBSCRIPTION AD —
— TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE —
Fears Mount As Eclipse May Bring Confederate Statues To Life
A protester in the “Monuments Must Go” movement has finally revealed what is causing the sudden drive to tear down the statues of Confederate soldiers.
“We think the eclipse might reanimate them” she said. “We cannot take the chance. We have to destroy them before it happens.”
The thought of Confederate monuments coming to life during the eclipse is a real fear among other progressive groups as well.
“If not the eclipse then it will happen during the next full moon,” a BLM spokesman said. “They might run rampant through black neighborhoods looting stores and setting fires, and we can’t have that.”
We have contacted several scientists for their comments on the matter, but since all of them happened to be middle-class white males, our editors decided that their opinions are irrelevant.
— TONIGHT’S BIG STORY FROM THE BABYLON BEE —
AntiFa Changes Name To Just ‘Fa’
U.S.—In a move designed to improve the accuracy of the name of the movement, a gathering of leaders of the Antifa protest group voted Monday to change its name to just “Fa,” better reflecting its fascist ideas and methods.
— NOW HERE’S TONIGHT’S FAKE NEWS FUN FROM THE ONION —
Texans Brace For President’s Response To Hurricane 
HOUSTON—Battening down the hatches as the potentially disastrous situation unfolded, Texans braced themselves Friday for President Trump’s response to Hurricane Harvey. “I don’t know how bad it’s going to be, but I’m preparing for the worst,” said resident Jacob Hoyt, echoing the sentiments of millions of residents along the state’s coast who were hunkering down for what many predict will be a catastrophically inept relief effort. “This won’t be easy. If nothing else, I’m hoping it’ll be over with pretty quick.” At press time, frightened Texans had learned that Trump’s response in the aftermath would likely be worse than even the most dire forecasts.
— TONIGHT’S BEN GARRISON MOMENT —
The Whistleblower Newswire Is Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda Is Now Working On Donald Trump’s Third 100 Days To Make America Great Again. Monday Is Day Number 219. There Are Now Only 1,165 More Days Until Trump’s Re-election Day on November 3, 2020.
