FRIDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2016 

Weekly Whistleblower Limerick Contest

The True Meaning of Chri$tma$

           This week, everybody who thinks the most important part of any Christmas present is the sales receipt, so you can return it and get what you really want, faxed an entry to the Whistleblower Limerick Contest.

The winner from Price Hill is once again Ebeneezer Leach, who urges people to put all those garish flashing lights on their houses for Christmas because he owns all those shares of Duke Energy stock.

Ebeneezer wins a “Let’s Get Christ Out of Christmas” T-shirt, tips on how to tell if women you meet are naughty or nice, a pair of gigantic humping reindeer with moving lights for his rooftop, and that same rancid fruit cake he sent us three years ago. His winning limerick is:

The most fun this holiday season
Will be hugging your spouse and doin’ some squeezin’.
And don’t forget to say the blessing
When serving the turkey and the dressing,
Or good old St. Nick you’ll be displeasin’.

The most fun this holiday season
Once you find a good reason
To get into bed
While she gives you good head
Now that can really be pleasing.’

The most fun this holiday season
While the flu has us coughin’ and wheezin’
Is to stay warm and dry
Enjoying turkey and pie
Unlike bums under bridges whose asses are a freezin’

The most fun this holiday season
And I’m really not teasin’
With the new ban on smoke
You won’t have to choke
And you can go to a bar without wheezin’

The most fun this holiday season
Isn’t fruitcake and mistletoe teasin’
For when the weather is frightful
Staying home is delightful
That’s if your mistress is pleasin’

The most fun this holiday season
Will be to “occupy” Wall Street for no reason!
My friends and I love to bitch
And we just hate all the rich
Oh c’mon – you know I’m just teasin’!

And from the Anderson Laureate, who seems to be running short on the Milk of Human Kindness:
The most fun this holiday season
Will be staying inside where it ain’t freezin’
Then if I’m lucky
And my wife’s feeling plucky
I might get in a little squeezin’

But if she simply ain’t into the mood
Even though I’m laying there nude
Something else I’ll be tryin’
(Think of that guy we call O’Brien)
I’m sorry if that sounds too crude.

Or maybe just for the helluvit
I might try to remain celibate
Or I might decide to go
And act like a gigolo
And go out in the street and sell a bit.

I’m not really as weird as it seems
I just have these crazy man dreams
Can I help it if I’m male?
At least I’m not in jail
I am straight up, and ain’t got no schemes.

So anyway, let’s get back to the holiday
I mean, that’s what we’re discussing today
What’ll be fun for me
I’ll just have to wait and see
Who knows, it might be a roll in the hay?

And for our Folks in Kentucky we have:
The most fun this holiday season
Political favors just short of treason.
Even Ole Liquid Plummer
Would give Fletcher a hummer
For a political job, is the reason.

The first line of next week’s limerick is:
“The worst part of a Hanukkah rhyme”

MORE AWARD WINNING PROSE AND POETRY LATER

Today’s Whistleblower Holiday Video 

Santa Claus Bailout Hearings

C-SPAN coverage of Santa Claus asking Congress for a financial bailout of the North Pole – Present Giving Industry. If they don’t approve his aid package, Christmas may be ruined.