Thursday, November 26, 2015   

Just because today’s supposed to be a holiday doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of snitching and bitching going on. You bet! As the official publication for all that scrambling, speculation, mud-slinging, and back-stabbing in the tri-state, our readers have every right to expect nothing less.

Turkeys, Start Your Gobbling!

           At the Conservative Agenda Thanksgiving Day Dinner, Political Insiders couldn’t stop congratulating Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane because our Persons of Consequence have for the second year gotten with the program and actually nominated some new Turkeys for our 2015 Whistleblower Turkeys of the Year Contest (sponsored by Dummy’s Restaurant), because earlier today, we announced winners of our Eighth Annual Whistleblower Turkey Decorating Contest for Thanksgiving, where the people who were selected as the biggest turkeys of the year would be shown with their heads on the body of a turkey, the troika of turkey winners in Cincinnati included Diminutive DemocRAT Mayor John Cranley, Cranley’s hand-picked City Mangler “Baltimore Harry” Black, and Cincinnati’s Ex Affirmative Action Police Chief Jeffrey Blackwell. And in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo also announced Disbarred Greedy Hearse-Chasing, Disgraced Democrat, Clinton-Loving, Fen-Phen Scandal Plagued, Not-Yet-Indicted Trial Attorney $Tan Che$ley had been selected the Whistleblower’s Turkey of the Year in Kentucky.

Things that Sound Dirty on Thanksgiving

• “She’s a gobbler!”
• “That’s one terrific spread!”
• “Care for a little more dark meat, Jungle Fever Boy?”
• “Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.”
• “Talk about a huge breast!”
• “It’s Cool Whip time!”
• “Mind if I undo my pants, Becky?”
• “Are you ready for seconds yet?”
• “Are you going to come again next time?”
• “It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?”
• “Just wait your turn, Mike, you’ll get some!”
• “Stop playing with your meat, grandpa.”
• “Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.”
• “Can you handle all these people at once?”
• “I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!”
• “You still have a little bit on your chin.”
• “Use a smooth stroke when you whip it.”
• “And he forces his way into the end zone!”
• “Just reach in and grab the giblets.”
• “How long will it take after you stick it in?”
• “You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.”
• “I didn’t think I could handle all of that!”
• “How many of you are coming?”
• “Smell this!”
• “That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!”
• “Lay back and take it easy…I’ll do the rest.”
• “How long do I beat it before it’s ready?”
• “Did anybody find a condom in the stuffing?”
• “If I don’t unbutton my pants, I’ll burst!”
• “It must be broken ’cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out.”
• …And the number on thing that sounds dirty on Thanksgiving is… “Succotash!”

Let’s Hear It for Cholesterol

Today is Thanksgiving, and we’re all getting ready to celebrate our National Day of Gluttony, when we can disregard all those health problems caused by obesity.

Remember, cranberry breath: when all those fat-assed people eat themselves to death, that’ll just mean there’ll be more turkey and stuffing for the rest of us.

Now here’s something else even Fox News is afraid to present: “OJ’s Turkey Carving Tips”

Now let’s all watch the Pilgrims Story, brought to you by the Whistleblower Players

Seediest Kids of All

The Whistleblower’s 64th Annual Seediest Kids of All Campaign (not associated with the Failed United Way) began earlier this week.

We’re featuring some truly inspirational stories about the waifs and urchins we claim to have helped in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky, just so you’ll believe we actually give a big rat’s ass.

Why don’t we have a more traditional holiday guilt campaign like the rest of the news media? No charity made our publisher its president in exchange for free publicity and our endorsement, we don’t have a fat weatherman turned radio talk-show host who was never actually convicted of beating up his girlfriend, and all the really good dead celebrities other than Harriet Beecher Stowe, “Clean Gene” Ruehlmann, and “BeanBall Jim” Bunning have already been taken.

• Today, our “Seediest Kids of All” campaign (not affiliated with the Failed United Way) continues by updating the sad story of Louis “Porky” Dorkman, now 29, an adorable little 288-lb. illegitimate waif. Porky’s mother, who just lost her job at the County Food Stamps Office just in time for Thanksgiving, stood in line yesterday for six hours at the FreeBee Store behind Hamilton County RINO Party Boss Alex Triantafillou, Fat Pat Barry, Clueless Marc Wilson, Soon-to-Be-Fired Fired Fishwrappers, and all those dumbed-down, self-absorbed, media-influenced, celebrity-obsessed, politically-correct, uninformed, short-attention-span Obama voters who will be soon be laid off when their employers are forced to downsize because of Obamacare, to bring home 28 packages of Twinkies, a box of Wilfred Brimley’s Erotic No-Hands Oatmeal Turkey Stuffing Mix, and a picture of a Thanksgiving turkey. The news media failed to make you feel guilty enough, so again this year, there still weren’t enough real turkeys to go around.

• Finally, Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves took time out in the kitchen from whipping up a batch of Wilford Brimley’s Erotic Stuffing Mix for Thanksgiving to dash off a couple of early Turkey Day odes:

Too much turkey
And cranberry jelly
Too little trousers
To cover my belly

To get government job
Is my hope
Then go to the airport
To get a grope.

EROTIC TURKEY BASTING TIPS HOT LINE

e-mail your romantic recipes to the Blower’s Cooking Show Hostess Marilyn “Turkey Neck” Harris today.

More Proud Sponsors and Avid Fans

Today’s edition is brought to you by a generous “in-kind” donation during our November fund-raising drive by the Freebee Store, because of all that extra business they’re getting from all those unemployed people during the Obama Recession.

Whistleblower Thanksgiving Day Video

Plus

THANKSGIVING XBOX COMMERCIAL – VERY FUNNY

The TSA puts the fun back into flying

Happy Thanksgiving -Funny Ad Robert De Nero

Beware of the TRYPTOPHAN!

Note: We guarantee Blackberry subscribers who don’t go home and see links and pictures on their computers are not going to appreciate all of this good stuff today.

Current Whistleblower Policies and Disclaimers can be found here