SUNDAY, MARCH 21, 2021
TRUMP’S SIXTIETH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
This E-dition Has Been Quarantined In The Whistleblower Archives Due To China’s Deadly Kung Flu Virus.
Although Last Year’s “Let’s All Go on Spring Break” Issue Had Been Previously Scheduled For Updating, It Would Have Been Impossible For Our Staff To Edit It Under Current Government Social Distancing Protocols.
Life’s a Beach!
SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA: This year for Spring Break after Punxsutawney Phil totally blew his 2019 Early Spring Forecast everybody had been counting on, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane is personally working on a list of guys who took their wives and families to the Redneck Riviera, Naples, Destin, or Key Largo, just so they could spend all day on the beach ogling young girls’ breasts. You’ll never guess whose names are already on that list.
Kane asked an aging attorney acquaintance still searching for his lost youth and vigor on the beach why he always goes down to Naples on Spring Break, and he told us, “Because I can.”
Again this year the Reds’ Spring Training games won’t be a distraction like they always used to be in Sarasota. But Tri-staters down here this week on Siesta Key can still keep up on what’s happening in Washington and the ‘Natti by checking out The Blower on their smartphones. And with Day 789 of Trump’s First Term already in the book, all those Dumbed-Down, Self-Absorbed, Media-Influenced, Celebrity-Obsessed, Politically-Correct, Uninformed, Short-Attention-Span, Free-Stuff Grabbing, Low-Information Obama Supporters Who Put The Positively Worst President in History In The White House—Twice, and Failed Trying To Give Obama a Third Term By Voting For Crooked Hillary, and get all of their “fake news” from News Liars at The Destroy Trump Media, like the ones at The Fishwrap and on Channel 5, 9, 12, and 19, would never know the difference.
And even with gas less than $2.67-a-gallon at your Speedway gas station in Florence, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says, “Can you imagine driving 1,863 miles from Cincinnati to Goodyear, Arizona (wherever the hell that is) just to watch the 9-15 Reds tie the San Diego Padres 3-3 in another meaningless Cactus League Spring Training Game? Remember when these public officials (including current Ohio Governor Mike DeWhine, standing next to Hamilton County Prosecutor “Jaywalking Joe” Deters) skipped work for Spring Training?
And how big an idiot do you have to be to tell all your Facebook friends when you’re out of town watching Spring Training Games? That sounds like a “Burglar Alert” to us. “Hello, We’re in Arizona…come and rob our houses!”
Whistleblower Alternate Lifestyles Contributors Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis say one of the comedians was even telling an old Mark Mallory joke. Even in Florida, they’re still talking about that year Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Sissy” Mallory’s threw the worst Opening Day pitch in baseball history.
Last night at the Happy Homo Gay Bar in Destin, gay guys were wearing flashing Rob “Fighting for Fisting” Portman T-Shirts to celebrate the anniversary of Ohio’s supposedly “Common Sense Conservative” Junior U.S. Senator’s changing his long-held position against same-sex marriages, just because his son was gay.
On March 28, Typical Reds Rooter Farley Fairweather hopes banned-for-life Pete Rose would have been allowed to return to baseball so he could throw out the ceremonial first pitch before the Reds lose their first game of the season to the Pittsburgh Pirate on the earliest Opening Day ever at Mediocre American Ball Park.
In a somewhat related item, Political Insiders on the beach were wondering what kind of mud that D-RAT National Committee Opposition Research Operation is threatening to use to expose prominent Conservatives in the 2020 elections.
Fortunately, so far the most damaging thing they’re willing to use is that picture from the time Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane appeared in an erotic Chippendales video with a RINO, two Devious DemocRATS, and a Gay Darkie Mayor. (Unfortunately, that award-winning video is no longer available.)
Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Odd Todd Opportune and David A. Pepper.
SPRING BREAK HOTLINE
e-mail your yabbo sighting photos today.
Some Spring Break items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally Spring Break Watching subscribers.
Whistleblower Women’s History Month Video
Sluts on Spring Break
(Probably not sent in by Women’s History Month Faux Facebook Friend Judge Sylvia Hendon whose Facebook photos do not include one of her in a bikini.)