— Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda —
THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2017
Tonight’s Top Conservative News Stories You Won’t See On The Front Page Of Tomorrow’s Fishwrap
(Or On Channels 5, 9, 12, And 19, Either)
— TONIGHT’S REAL NEWS VERSUS FAKE NEWS —
(Can You Tell The Difference)
ABC Political Analyst Says Second Amendment Exists To Protect The Government From Threats
The cartoon depicts crudely drawn bodies of the victims of the attack strewn on the ground, with the caption, “WHATEVER HAPPENS IN VEGAS…”
Even 538 Admits That Sweeping Gun Control Doesn’t Stop Mass Shootings
Like with any mass shooting that happens in the United States, the central conversation shifts almost immediately to what our lawmakers in Congress can do to restrict the sale and purchase of firearms beyond what is already regulated.
However, according to one statistician from the website FiveThirtyEight who researched gun deaths in America, sweeping common-sense gun control legislation is not the answer to prevent mass shootings like in Las Vegas, Orlando, or Sandy Hook. (MORE)
NRA Calls On ATF To Review Legality Of Bump Fire Stocks
The National Rifle Association requested on Thursday that the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives review their 2010 decision declaring bump stock devices legal under federal law. (MORE)
Disingenuous DemocRATS Want To Legislate Morality, But More Laws Are Not The Answer
Coulter: Media Find Las Vegas Shooter’s Motive: He’s White!
The media’s idea of hard-hitting investigative reporting is to taunt gun-owners and white men. (MORE)
Street Artist Targets Jimmy Kimmel
“Sabo” Created Posters Of Kimmel Looking Like A Young Johnny Depp From The 1990 Movie “Cry-Baby.” (MORE)
— TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM BIG HAIRY NEWS —
NFL Players Angry At Being Upstaged By Vegas Shooter
San Francisco Player “Naps” And “Moons” During Anthem (API)
NEW YORK, NY (World News Bureau) – Sources say the NFL players’ union is angry over being upstaged by the Las Vegas mass shooting, prompting players to renew their National Anthem protest.
“Some white guy shoots a few people and all of a sudden our struggle is swept under the motherfucking rug. We now got another reason to make our silent voices heard,” said one player.
Reports indicate players from a number of teams will ‘intensify’ their protests by laying on the ground ‘napping’ during the playing of the National Anthem this weekend.
Insiders with the San Francisco 49ers say some of their players will ‘combine napping with mooning in an ultimate display of dissatisfaction with law enforcement, white nationalists, and President Trump.’
This latest news is causing renewed concern within the NFL, who had hoped player protests were waning.
TO SEE MORE FROM BIG HAIRY NEWS, CLICK HERE
—TONIGHT’S REPORT FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE —
Hillary Gets Honorary Master Criminal Doctorate
Several Universities Both Home And Abroad Banded Together In Order To Honor Hillary Clinton’s Achievement Of Being A Master Criminal. “We are proud to give her an honorary doctorate for her achievement of being a master criminal,” stated their joint press release. “This is not an award we give to just anyone. Hillary has demonstrated her ability to commit crimes right under everyone’s noses without getting arrested, indicted, prosecuted, and convicted. The last one we gave out was in 1945 so it has been a long time coming. She really deserves this for all the hard work she has done. Stealing the primary was the brilliant master stroke that clinched the nomination.”
TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE PEOPLE’S CUBE, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S BUZZ FROM THE BABYLON BEE —
The Bee Explains: The Gun Control Debate
The gun control debate is raging throughout the land, and while some people say they want a “national conversation” over the issue, what they really want is to lecture you. So, as always, we at The Babylon Bee are here to present you with just the facts, so you understand both positions—no matter which side of the contentious topic you may land on. (MORE)
TO HEAR MORE BUZZ FROM THE BABYLON BEE, CLICK HERE
— NOW HERE’S TONIGHT’S FAKE NEWS FUN FROM THE ONION —
White House: ‘This Is Not The Geologic Era To Debate Gun Control’
WASHINGTON—Deflecting questions in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Las Vegas that killed 59 people and injured over 500 more, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Tuesday that this is not the geologic era in which to debate gun control. “Out of respect for the families of the victims, we’re going to hold off on engaging in discourse over the regulation of firearms for a few eons,” said Sanders, adding that it would be premature to discuss enacting any sort of policies to prevent mass shootings until the next ice age has set in, likely long after the extinction of the human race. “Once the nation has had time to properly grieve and the continents have completed millions of years of tectonic migration to collide into one supercontinent, then we can bring this issue to the table. However, until a new dominant species rules the earth, it’s just not appropriate to address this issue.” At press time, Sanders said that a more realistic time to discuss gun control was after the sun expanded into its red giant stage and engulfed the planet.
TO SEE MORE STORIES FROM THE ONION, CLICK HERE
— TONIGHT’S BEN GARRISON MOMENT —
Hillary Beats The Gun Control Drum
“Imagine the deaths if the shooter had a silencer, which the NRA wants to make easier to get.” —Hillary Clinton
This was Hillary’s ignorant and insensitive reaction to the massacre in Las Vegas. She immediately began banging her gun control drum while attacking the NRA, which had nothing to do with it.
The Las Vegas shooting is the deadliest mass shooting in modern US history, (aside from the 700 killed in Chicago in 2016). Many questions remain. Why did the shooter suddenly snap? He was peacefully retired and well-off. He was a hard core gambler and often won. He had no military experience and knew nothing about such weapons. He gave no sign or reasons for the shooting.
Some witnesses claim there were multiple shooters. Why were there so many weapons in his room? He couldn’t possibly use them all. Did he convert to Islam recently? It seems unlikely. That religion instructs jihadis to go out in a blaze of glory, not commit suicide. We will get the answers over time—or not.
TO SEE MORE BEN GARRISON ILLUSTRATIONS, CLICK HERE
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