FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2015

Time Out From Shopping

           How do we know the holiday season has officially begun? Union goons who weren’t already shopping on Thanksgiving Day usually get bused in to stores on Friday to protest against employees working on the holiday and get an early start on the season’s shopping chaos. Others wanted to be a first-in-line shopper on the TV news.

The Blower remembers when competitive shopping turned into chaos as a Wal-Mart worker was trampled to death in the stampede and a woman miscarried, a woman pepper sprayed other Black-and-Blue Friday shoppers “to gain an upper hand” and mayhem ensued over a $2 waffle maker, a grandmother was shot while cooking Thanksgiving dinner, “A Christmas Story” had already been shown twice on TV, but Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s neighbors whose house is no longer scheduled to be sold at a sheriff’s sale had still not put out their flashing humping reindeer display in their front yard.

Last year, Weasel Zippers showed us a video of Black Friday shoppers beating the crap out of each other over underwear (If Obama had another daughter she’d look like the woman with the orange hair). But Isn’t this more like what Thanksgiving Day was meant to be?

Once again, Obama’s Thanksgiving message avoided any direct reference to thanking God, making this the seventh straight year in which the President of the United States has ignored the central message of the holiday in favor of political grandstanding, but what else could you expect from the guy who reduced Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address by two words, “under God.” 

Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen says only 9% said they had finished their holiday shopping before Black Friday, and this year thrift and consignment shops were again helping people be thankful during Obama’s Recession by copying other retailers with gift certificates, elaborate window displays, and early-morning specials. For the first time, some Salvation Army and St. Vincent DePaul resale shops opened at 6 a.m., touting 75%-off early-bird specials on the traditional kickoff of holiday shopping.

Our Compassionate Conservative remembers last year when St Vincent de Paul ran out of FREE turkey dinners after 1,200 boxes where passed out. The Freebee Store planned to provide boxes to feed 22,000 meals. Tri State churches collected enough turkeys and the fixings to feed 86,000 people. That’s a total of 109,200 FREE THANKSGIVING MEALS. Remember to save your wishbones, Slackers, so you can turn them in and get your “FREE it’s for ME” Christmas Dinners next month!

Actually, the parking lot at the Kroger’s store at the Anderson Food Court has been packed ever since its big grand opening eight years ago and the remodeling in 2008. But that’s only because years later, thousands of shoppers are still wandering around inside the store overwhelmed and bewildered, aimlessly trying to find a quart of milk.

Hurley the Historian says according to media mythology, Black Friday (the Day After Thanksgiving) is NOT a racial holiday. It’s actually one of the busiest shopping days of the year and the beginning of the period where retailers would no longer have losses (in the red) and instead take in the year’s profits (in the black).

But why do retail store owners really call the day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday?” WLW Hate Radio Racist in Residence Bill Cunningham says it’s because it’s the biggest shoplifting day of the year and Obama Supporters are proud of their bumper stickers that say “I’d rather be stealing.”

Early Bird Shopper Tino Delgato says Kneepad Liberals in the Press wanted today to be called Rainbow Friday. The idea was proposed by one of the great turkeys of all time “Reverend” Jesse Jackson. Tino went to the local Wal-Mart Friday morning. He got very nervous seeing a large group of Black people outside. He thought it might be Demonstrators for the Ferguson Shooting or the shooting of that BB gun toting yoof in another Wal-Mart. But when I saw many carrying out HDTV’s I knew it was only Black Friday. Tino guesses the white folks did their shoplifting at another store. Go Figure!

Our Quote for Today Committee chose Adrienne Gusoff’s “Shopping is better than sex. If you’re not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like.” No wonder Patty Brisbane’s Dildo World is having an after-Thanksgiving Sale on Erotic Turkey Basters.

In the fifth of a series of appearances to spread the word about his Personal Economic Recovery Plan, a Goofy Guy in a Santa Hat showed up again at the corner of Springdale and Colerain Avenue Friday afternoon to wave at passing cars and encourage shoppers to buy goods made in the USA.

Meanwhile, Thursday’s Annual Thanksgiving Day Parade in Anderson was a lot smaller than it was last year, because the event was being boycotted by 75% of the residents with no children in school who were already comparing Forrest Gump School Superintendent “Smiling Dallas” Jackson’s Unaffordable Facilities Plan to ObamaCare.

And if you thought your turkey was stuffed, The Fishwrap more than pleasingly plump this year (if it was actually delivered), with five pounds of Black Friday savings, including Christmas catalogs from Macy’s, Sears, Walmart, JC Penny, and Menards.

Speaking of Thanksgiving, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy FurBall says Bungals fans were not playing here in Thursday’s nationally televised game, because most Ohio State Fans were waiting for today’s big game against Michigan where the Buckeyes will be trying to score a convincing win to keep their hopes alive on their way to the national championship game, or at the very least, a Big Ten Championship and an important bowl game.

Jay Leno says in 1941, Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday in November would officially be observed as Thanksgiving Day — thus making it the last time Congress accomplished anything.

Conservative Curmudgeon Stu Mahlin says last year The Fishwrap actually published Obama’s phony baloney Thanksgiving Day Message on page A-16 to allow the Empty Suit in the Oval Office by virtue of the authority vested in him by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, to thereby proclaim Thursday, November 27, 2014, as a National Day of Thanksgiving. At least it wasn’t Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback Tweeting about how he got stuffed on Thanksgiving.

This year on Thanksgiving, Elected Officials in Ohio are still applauding Liberal Whacko Judge Tim Black’s ruling in favor of COAST’s Avaricious Attorney Chris Finney’s case to allow those same politicians the “Right to Lie” during political campaigns, because lying is certainly something all politicians are thankful for all the days of their lives.

Survivors of the Anderson High School Class of 1956 were thankful they made it through Thanksgiving, and will be checking the on-line coupons for Red Lobster before their next meeting on December 3. Speaking of Over-Eating on Thanksgiving, let’s all try to remember what happened when “Mr. Creosote Blew Himself Up.”

 And now that everyone is done stuffing himself, PFC Kadon (who just finished latrine duty) reminds us that many of those Veterans we prayed for while eyeing the gravy boat, are falling through the cracks of the job training and educational programs set up by the VA, wonders whatever the hell happened to that legislation Bill his old friend from St. Mary School, Ohio Second District Congressman “Bronze Star Brad” Wenstrup introduced to provide clarification regarding eligibility for services under the Homeless Veterans Reintegration Program. Mrs. PFC who outranks him at home, says she’s hoping Kadon would use this program to learn how to pick up his damn socks!

At Thursday’s Meeting of the Conservative Agenda, everybody was sitting around listening to the traditional telling of the Legend of Squanto and there was so much good food to eat, by the time you were done, you felt like a python who’d just swallowed a goat.

Political Insiders enjoying the Thanksgiving Feast couldn’t stop asking Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane about the special Thanksgiving e-mails wishing him a Happy Thanksgiving he’d received from all those really sincere politicians.

One of the Northern Kentucky runners-up in the Eighth Annual Whistleblower Turkey Decorating Contest for Thanksgiving, where the person who was selected as the biggest turkey of the year would be shown with his head on the body of a turkey, was Rick “The BatBoy” Robinson, who had planned to pass out copies of his official Whistleblower Turkey Nomination Illustration at his annual Graydon Head “Hannukah Party” on December 3 at the Fort Mitchell Country Club, but we’re not so sure who’ll be making Jews Feel Welcome in Northern Kentucky this year, since Rick is no longer with that prestigious law firm.

Until then, we have a new video today where you can see Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane reminding everybody not to forget “The Whistleblower Motto” during the Obama’s holiday season. [WATCH IT HERE]

REMEMBER: If you can’t improve on the news, you shouldn’t even be reporting it.

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