MONDAY, JANUARY 01, 2024
TRUMP’S ONE-THOUSAND-AND SEVENTH-SIXTH DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND HERE’S SOMETHING YOU WON’T SEE ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS
— TODAY’S SATIRICAL WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO —
Terrifying Signs of Extreme Right-Wing Behavior
Satirical Web Pages Are Not Just For Laughs And They Show A Focused Picture Of How People Are Reacting To The News Of The Day.
Satire matters for more than one reason, but its main goal is to raise awareness about the current state of affairs and challenge their viewpoints by using humor and irony. It helps us confront the unpleasant reality and see the world as it is so that we can improve it.
From the border to the economy, President Biden has accomplished feats in 2023 that no one ever saw coming. With so many incredible achievements for the Biden administration this year, narrowing them down was no easy task! Here are the top ten accomplishments of the Biden administration in 2023:
- Reduced obesity in America by making food unaffordable: So simple.
- Cleaned up all the cocaine bags someone was leaving around the White House: Decency restored!
- Kept American hostages safe from junk fees during their stay with Hamas: Not one single junk fee!
- Set all-time record for people illegally streaming into the U.S.: Because he’s the most popular President ever. Numbers don’t lie.
- Raised dementia awareness by 400%: Also, sandbag awareness.
- Created record numbers of new billionaires: They’re all in Ukraine, but still.
- Promoted transparency by releasing several “Behind-the-Scenes” videos from Capitol staffers: Campaign promise, delivered.
- Saved democracy by arresting political opponents and not allowing people to vote for anyone else: Thanks, Joe!
- Set new record by spending 40% of time on vacation: Finally giving Delaware Beach the attention it so richly deserves.
- Heroically stayed alive to save America from a Kamala Harris Presidency: We salute you, Mr. Biden!
What can’t Biden do?? We can’t wait to see what Joe has up his sleeve in 2024!
A guy we’ll call “Trouble-maker Tadwell” wanted to ask Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane how hard it was for our new Ohio First District Congressman to find a place to stay in Washington D.C.
“Probably not too hard,” Kane explained, “since our BOY TOY says he’ll always feel welcome in Paul Pelosi’s Closet.”
Whether it’s their bad habits, obnoxious behavior, or total lack of achievements, Americans are chronically dissatisfied and always looking for ways to improve their pathetic lives. The Onion looks at the most popular New Year’s resolution by state.
START SLIDESHOW HERE
Dread it. Run from it. 2024 has arrived all the same. But fear not as the team at The Babylon Bee has been hard at work for you coming up with the most probable, and completely accurate 2024 predictions to help you make it through the New Year.
And remember, it’s just an election year. How crazy could it be?
January 3 – Kamala becomes President after Biden passes away peacefully in his sleep underneath her pillow
January 4 – Biden revealed to only be mostly dead, regains Presidency
January 6 – Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dies again
January 9 – David French publishes revolutionary op-ed “The Conservative Case For Only Supporting Progressive Causes”
January 23 – Streaming services all band together to provide content bundled for $180/month, finally letting you get rid of cable
February 12 – Los Angeles Dodgers sign all baseball players in existence, including the reanimated corpses of Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe Jackson, and Ty Cobb
February 23 – Ozempic revealed to give patients a taste for human flesh, thus ushering in the zombie apocalypse
February 28 – The population of Mexico reaches 0 as everyone crosses the border into the U.S.
March 1 – Americans begin migrating to now-empty Mexico in search of a better life
March 2 – Trump asks Ron DeSantis to be his running mate
March 3 – Trump tells DeSantis “SIKE!”
March 31 – Elon Musk fathers 73rd child
April 1 – Biden announces plans to cut government spending, stop funding foreign wars, and secure our own border
April 15 – Nothing of note happens
April 19 – AOC posts something really dumb on X
April 20 – Joel Osteen posts something really dumb on X
May 4 – Disney announces all-female Star Wars remake featuring Brie Larson as Luke Skywalker and Lizzo as Obi-Wan Kenobi
May 5 – Disney stock price reaches all-time low, Disney execs baffled
May 7 – Obama comes out as even gayer
May 8 – To raise campaign funds Chris Christie joins OnlyFans
May 19 – Pfizer accidentally announces vaccine for new COVID variant that hasn’t been released yet
May 20 – Pfizer announces new COVID variant
June 5 – Trump announces that he has destroyed Hillary Clinton’s final Horcrux
June 7 – Newsom raises fast food worker minimum wage to $1000 an hour
June 8 – McDonald’s raises Big Mac price to $1000
July 4 – True Americans fire rockets into the sky and barbecue dead animals, giving some a sliver of hope that we might just survive all this
July 9 – Camper full of meth with license plate HUNTER found on White House lawn, Secret Service unable to identify owner
July 31 – Global warming causes warm temperatures for 3 months for some reason
August 1 – After floods, earthquakes, mudslides, and droughts fail, God sends asteroid to destroy California
August 2 – Steve in Des Moines, Iowa, eats a delicious breakfast burrito and all is well in the world for just a few hours
August 3 – Steve suffers consequences of eating a breakfast burrito made in Iowa
August 22 – Massive protests erupt over manufactured controversy to give Democrats steam going into election
September 2 – Valve Software finally releases long-awaited Half-Life 3, but it’s a mobile game with microtransactions
September 8 – Lizzo eats 3 more backup dancers
September 27 – Final kid in America becomes transgender, everyone begins detransitioning since now that’s rebellious and cool
September 30 – Aiden of Toledo, Ohio finds a really cool stick in the woods
October 4 – 162-win Dodgers eliminated from playoffs in first round by 83-win Padres
November 1 – San Diego Padres win first-ever World Series (writer of this list is just saying stuff he wants to happen at this point)
November 4 – New pandemic, cyberattack, land war, George Floyd 2.0, global famine, alien invasion, civil war begins
November 5 – Trump wins election in a historic landslide victory of 128 million votes
November 6 – Trump preemptively impeached on 52 different counts
November 7 – Biden declared the winner of the election after 127 million mail-in votes arrived overnight
November 28 – Biden admin announces that the cost of Thanksgiving dinner has never been lower at $9,628,000 per household
December 1 – Your wife completes all the Christmas shopping for you, the kids, everyone you know, and herself
December 6 – Southern California man Kyle wins trivia night at a pub and basks in eternal glory
December 23 – You wonder if you should get your wife something for Christmas
December 25 – Google updates their Google Doodle to recognize the historic birth of a genderqueer lesbian artist woman of color
December 26 – Your wife isn’t talking to you for some reason
December 31 – Despite extensive research efforts, there are still only 2 genders. Weird!
What do you think will happen? Let us know in the comments!
NOW…LET’S COMPARE OUR OBVIOUS POLITICAL PARODIES WITH THIS ACTUAL WASHINGTON POST REPORT
Gannett ordered our local Morning Fishwrap to roll back op-eds after “repelling readers” with biased articles
• Readers didn’t want to be told what to do or how to think
• They were perceived as having a ‘biased agenda’ so Readers were canceling subscriptions
• The company is decreasing its editorial output and even scaling back cartoons
• The newspapers will no longer make political endorsements beyond a local level, like when The Fishwrap endorsed Crooked Hillary For President. 
Can You Tell If This Is The Real Story?
THE US NATIONAL DEBT
And Today Everybody Hereabouts Is Wondering Where Trump’s Next Packed 2024 Election Rally Will Be And Clicks On “Get Tickets Here” And Winds Up On The Trumpster’s Official Campaign Fundraising Website
The Whistleblower Newswire Is Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
The Blower believes we’re still living during the most important period in American History for our non-stop crusade for Election Integrity and against Coordinated Leftist Insurrection and the Devolution of Our American Culture while Congress, the Deep State, and the Radical Media Establishment continue to lie to advance their Coordinated Leftist Agenda.
But first, we must see a Corleone Political Reckoning on Election Integrity Along With Indictments And Perp Walks For Laws Broken During The Illegal 2020 Presidential Election, without which nothing else really matters.
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles 
Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda is watching to see if any progress is made during the next 306 days before the 2024 elections.
