SATURDAY, JANUARY 06, 2024
TRUMP’S ONE-THOUSAND-AND EIGHTY-FIRST DAY OUT-OF-OFFICE
AND HERE’S SOMETHING YOU WON’T SEE ON THE NIGHTLY NEWS
— TODAY’S SATIRICAL WHISTLEBLOWER VIDEO —
January 6th: THE MUSICAL
Satirical Web Pages Are Not Just For Laughs And They Show A Focused Picture Of How People Are Reacting To The News Of The Day.
Satire matters for more than one reason, but its main goal is to raise awareness about the current state of affairs and challenge their viewpoints by using humor and irony. It helps us confront the unpleasant reality and see the world as it is so that we can improve it.
A guy we’ll call “Turn-key Tadwell” wanted to ask Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane how Ohio’s New First District Congressman is getting along with all those Disgraced D-RATS in DC.
“PELOSI’S BOY TOY fit right in with the Dishonest D-RATS in DC,” Kane explained. “After all, he was a charter member of the Gang Of Five at Cincinnati City Clown-cil, some of whom were indicted and jailed.”
Thus far, more than 300 people who stormed the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, have pleaded guilty. The Onion asked them why they participated in the insurrection, and this is what they said.
START SLIDESHOW HERE
In light of the January 6th hearings, we felt it was prudent to provide a detailed timeline of that fateful day to refresh your memory. We put our best historians and hackers on the project so we could bring you the most accurate and classified details yet.
Here is the official timeline of those terrifying events on January 6, 2021:
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6:03 AM – President Trump wakes up at his regular time and crushes his usual 45-minute HIIT workout.
6:30 AM – VP Mike Pence wakes up grumpy with a serious case of “the Wednesdays.”
6:50 AM – President and First Lady enjoy breakfast of Sausage Egg McMuffins with ketchup.
7:00 AM – Mike Pence does his daily Bible reading in Habakkuk. Repents of his earlier grumpiness.
8:06 AM – Trump tweets, “Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd has never eaten at Arby’s! Sad!”
8:30 AM – Joint chiefs of staff sit down to play a game of Risk Legacy. Gen Mark Milley is later declared victor.
9:00 AM – Trump tweets, “They just found 50,000 ballots last night. But they won’t accept the 100,000 I just found under the couch. RIGGED!”
9:02 AM – Trump tweets, “Why would a Sith cultist leave clues to find something he already knew the location of? Blade of Ochi was a bad idea. Terrible movie!”
9:37 AM – Rep Mike Nearman of Oregon performs blood ritual to summon Buffalo Guy from the Netherrealm.
10:07 AM – Members of Congress slowly filter into the Capitol building throughout the morning. Many of them are late due to nasty hangovers from the previous night’s coke orgy.
10:58 AM – Proud Boys spotted discussing Eddie Bauer’s Winter Collection with FBI agents while marching on Capitol building.
11:30 AM – Sen Todd Young is hassled by protestors for enjoying The Rise of Skywalker.
11:32 AM – AOC dies tragically in a coal mining accident.
12:00 PM – Trump speaks to his supporters at a rally next to the George Washington Memorial. During his speech, he claims to be taller than George Washington, a statement fact-checkers later determine to be “mostly true.” He then suggests the monument should be renamed the Trump Monument “since I am taller and pointier, believe me.”
12:15 PM – Trump says, “I know that everyone here will soon be marching over to the Capitol building to peacefully and patriotically make your voices heard” in a dramatic call to violence.
12:53 PM – Protesters rudely leave Trump’s speech early to break through barriers around the Capitol building.
12:58 PM – Buffalo guy casts Divine Favor for +1d4 radiant damage.
1:05 PM – House Speaker Pelosi bangs her gavel to call Congress to order. She accidentally strikes AOC, who dies.
1:10 PM – Trump ends his speech with what experts determine are “fighting words.”
1:45 PM – FBI successfully breaches Capitol.
2:13 PM – Mike Pence is evacuated from the Capitol building by Special Agent Jack Bauer.
2:19 PM – Grandma asks Capitol Police where the bathroom is. She later calls Capitol Police officer “a very nice young man.”
2:24 PM – Trump tweets: “Just found out Pence liked Rise of Skywalker. Disappointing!”
3:13 PM – Trump tweets: “Guys, I was joking! Everyone calm down!”
4:21 PM – AOC dies tragically after strangling herself while trying to tie her shoes.
6:02 PM – Grandma finally finds a bathroom in the Capitol building after nice men let her in.
7:34 PM – Trump binges every episode of Mork & Mindy, as is his nightly ritual.
11:37 PM – AOC dies.
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Truly a harrowing day in our history. Let us never forget!
NOW…LET’S COMPARE OUR OBVIOUS POLITICAL PARODIES WITH THIS ACTUAL WASHINGTON POST REPORT
Gannett ordered our local Morning Fishwrap to roll back op-eds after “repelling readers” with biased articles
• Readers didn’t want to be told what to do or how to think
• They were perceived as having a ‘biased agenda’ so Readers were canceling subscriptions
• The company is decreasing its editorial output and even scaling back cartoons
• The newspapers will no longer make political endorsements beyond a local level, like when The Fishwrap endorsed Crooked Hillary For President. 
Can You Tell If This Is The Real Story?
THE US NATIONAL DEBT
And Today Everybody Hereabouts Is Wondering Where Trump’s Next Packed 2024 Election Rally Will Be And Clicks On “Get Tickets Here” And Winds Up On The Trumpster’s Official Campaign Fundraising Website
The Whistleblower Newswire Is Your Official Publication of Record For The Conservative Agenda
The Blower believes we’re still living during the most important period in American History for our non-stop crusade for Election Integrity and against Coordinated Leftist Insurrection and the Devolution of Our American Culture while Congress, the Deep State, and the Radical Media Establishment continue to lie to advance their Coordinated Leftist Agenda.
But first, we must see a Corleone Political Reckoning on Election Integrity Along With Indictments And Perp Walks For Laws Broken During The Illegal 2020 Presidential Election, without which nothing else really matters.
Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles 
Foster Kane Says The Conservative Agenda is watching to see if any progress is made during the next 302days before the 2024 elections.
