TODAY IS
TUESDAY, MARCH 19, 2019
Trump’s 788th Day In Office
Happy Springtime, Everybody!
“Happy Springtime,” says Whistleblower Weather-guesser Delkus Apuozzo, “but how do you know your Equinox is really Vernal?” wonder our Quote for Today Committee chose Mark Twain’s “In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.
And although Spring will actually arrive in Greater Cincinnati on Wednesday afternoon at 5:58 PM EDT, Whistleblower Senior Spoiled Sports Editor Andy Furball says last year Spring had sprung in the tristate when both UC and Xavier got their clocks cleaned in the NCAA’s March Madness tournament, and Donald Trump said he hadn’t see leads blown like that since Crooked Hillary on Election Night in 2016.
Turfway Touts say Spring actually arrived in Northern Kentucky on Saturday afternoon March 9 at the 48th running of the Jeff Ruby Steaks or whatever the hell they changed the name of Turfway Park’s banner springtime race. Since 1972, when Turfway itself had a different name, the nine-furlong contest has been a testing ground for Kentucky Derby dreams.
Michael Liquid Plummer and Nathan “Cornbread” Smith say Spring doesn’t usually arrive in Northern Kentucky until we start tossing back Bock beer chasers. Mainstrasse Bartenders say Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until drunks sober up from St. Patrick’s Day. And the Vanilla Hills Civic Club says Spring doesn’t historically arrive in Northern Kentucky until the police chief gets fired.
Clueless Marc Wilson and Scott “Pass the Biscuits” Kimmich say Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until we’ve each devoured 437 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. The Murg says Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until I try out my new Spring probe. Kenton County Commonwealth Attorney E. Rob Sanders says Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until Eric “Call Me Crazy” Deters does something really frivolous. And Steve “I’m 5’0, Not 4’11” Mergele and Will “The Thrill” Terwort say Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until all Covington sex shops have their annual Spring sale.
Gex “Rhymes With Sex” Williams says Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until you have sex with your first Spring sheep. Your Friends at the IRS say Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until people at least start thinking about paying their taxes. MILFs on Probation say Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until you tickle a young man’s fancy. Uptight Bitches in Fort Mitchell Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until we fake our equinox orgasms. Y’All Ville Mayor Blondie “I Thought You Guys at The Blower Forgot About Me” Whalen says Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until people are lined up to buy Opening Day Tickets to see the Florence Freedom. And Horny in Hebron says Spring doesn’t officially arrive in Northern Kentucky until I celebrate BB&BJ Day on March 20.
NOW HERE’S THE LATEST FROM BUNKY TADWELL (THE ODIOUS OCTEGENARIAN), In honor of tomorrow afternoon’s vernal equinox, which also just happens to be on BB&BJ Day, we have an “Ode to Spring,” by Bunky Tadwell, the Bard of Cleves:
Ode to Spring
Yesterday was the first day of Spring,
When men thought of only one thing.
Women think it’s odd,
Guys searching for a broad,
Just for an overnight fling.
FINALLY, we just got an e-mail from Vivacious Vicky Zwissler, our used-to-be Council-gal in Wyoming (the City not the State) who when last seen was driving one of those Uber taxis, reminding us that tomorrow is her birthday. Curiously, although our Virtual Redhead is still pretty much of a babe, her e-mail forgot to include her age.
Maybe that’s why our Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane always says, “Women improve with age. The older I get, the more I like them.”
