SATURDAY, JUNE 30, 2018
Trump’s 526th Day In Office

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

“Free Stuff on the Fourth” By James Jay Schifrin

              Tuesday in Patronage County, everybody will be getting ready to eat BBQ and watch the fireworks to celebrate Independence Day, but our Consternated County Commissioners, even though they’ll be talking about how low the price of gasoline is on this holiday during the Trump Administration, they’ll still be asking themselves: are we truly free and independent?

        “Of course we are,” said Commissioner Filch. “Every Fourth of July, Americans celebrate the anniversary of the adoption of the Declaration of Independence in 1776. The signers of the historical document declared themselves a sovereign and independent nation free from tyrannical British rule.”

        “You’re wrong, Filch,” Commissioner Pilfer interrupted. “The sad part is that Americans are more dependent on the government than ever before.”

        Then Commissioner Swindle explained: “Since our current recession began in December 2007, government programs have grown at an alarming rate. 128 million Americans or more than 41% of the population now receive benefits from one or more federal assistance program. Between 1988 and 2011, people receiving government assistance grew by 62%.”

        “Do you mean like people on welfare,” asked Commissioner Filch.

        “It’s not just welfare,” said Commissioner Swindle.  You have to include food stamps, subsidized housing, “free” medical care, “free” child care, and home energy assistance.”

        “According to the Senate Budget Committee, the federal government has spent $3.7 trillion on about 80 different poverty and welfare programs over the past five years,” Commissioner Pilfer added.

        “And the thing we really have to worry about,” philosophized Commissioner Swindle, “is when it’s time for us to get ourselves reelected every four years, is making sure all the voters in Patronage County believe all that free stuff is coming from us.” 

This op-ed column never appeared at any time in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols.