WEDNESDAY, APRIL 11, 2018      

Real E-Mails from Real Subscribers  

Next Tuesday is your dreaded TAX DAY, and when asked which is worse, going to the dentist or filing their income taxes, it’s a close call. Nearly half of Americans would rather sit in the dentist’s chair than do tax paperwork. —Whistleblower Pollster Ron Rasmussen

Earlier today, The Blower officially announced our Tax Freedom 2018 would be three days earlier than last year.—Your Friends at the Tax Foundation

Should I tell people the reason Tax Freedom Day 2018 is Three Days Earlier than in 2017 is due because of my Tax Cuts? —Donald Trump

Does anybody remember four years ago when we decreased our charitable donations from 1.5 % of our incomes to .05 %? Many people were surprised when we raked in $26,400 in 2012 by renting a cottage on the property of our Delaware home to the Secret Service. No wonder I was bragging on YouTube that I now make a lot of money, Man!  —Those Benevolent Bidens

On April 15, 1865, Abraham Lincoln, the 16th president of the United States, was shot by John Wilkes Booth, an actor and Confederate sympathizer. Two years ago, affiliates of the Islamic State group released an animated video depicting a jihadist beheading US President Barack Obama.  —Hurley the Historian

That’s why we chose John Marshall’s “The power to tax involves the power to destroy.” That was in 1819. We wonder what that conservative Chief Justice would say today. —Your Quote for Today Committee  

Instead of a tax code that crushes innovation [and] imposes burdens on families struggling to make ends meet,” after the 2016 presidential primaries, nobody paid attention to my simple flat tax idea that would’ve allowed every American file his or her taxes on a postcard. —Texas Republican Senator Ted Cruz  

Even though we won’t be having a big Tax Day Rally on Fountain Square again this year, we will be also not be having a fund-raiser at the Eastgate Holiday Inn where you could hear our organizers bloviate endlessly about their claims of all they’ve accomplished. At least we won’t be hounding you for donations once you get there. —TEA Party Patriots NOT Passing the Hat

Does anybody give a big rat’s ass what my tax plan was?  —Delusional Ohio Governor John Kasich

Before Trump, Ronald Reagan was the last president who said we’re going to dramatically cut tax rates. And guess what? More revenue came in, and tens of millions of jobs were created. —Ex-Republican Presidential Candidate Rand Paul

What kind of lies would you like me to tell you about cutting taxes? —Crooked Hillary 

Please remind my constituents I voted for that so-called “Path to Prosperity” Balanced Budget Plan to cut spending and balance our budget in ten years. —Ohio Second District Republican Congressman Brad Wenstrup

I can’t remember how many times I’ve voted for a Balanced Budget Amendment. —Ohio First District Republican Congressman Steve Chabothead

The federal government’s $21.1 trillion national debt now exceeds our nation’s Gross Domestic Product.  This lunacy must stop.  Private industries regularly balance their budgets by implementing real spending cuts.  The federal government should hold itself to the same standard. —Kentucky Republican Congressman Thomas Massie

Please don’t mention that time I was delinquent paying taxes on my DC condo. —Devious DemocRAT Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown

I voted for the Same-Sex Marriage Tax Deduction. —Ohio Republican Senator Rob “Fighting for Fagellas” Portman, Waiting To Be John Kasich’s Running Mate In 2020

Remember when I supported lowering taxes on bakers who refuse to cater Sodomy Rites Events? —Former Indiana Republican Governor Mike Pence, Who Seems To Have Wangled Himself A Better Job

Usually April 15 is our favorite day of the year! This year it’s April 17. —Disingenuous DemocRATS on Cincinnati City Clowncil

This year on Passover we were hoping IRS Auditors would be passing over our tax returns. —Jews for Lower Taxes

According to the Wall Street Journal, the Top 20% of earners pay 87% of the Income Tax. How fair is that? —Rich People Against Taxes

Obama only tried to raise taxes 4,972 times while he was in office. Thankfully, most of his proposed tax hikes died because of congressional opposition. —Anti-Taxers of America

Tax Day on April 15 (or this year on April 17) would be a pretty big day for us, if we were really an anti-tax organization. —COAST

Remember, our April 15 (or this year on April 17) deadline for filing your federal taxes is for real, it’s not just one of those phony baloney ObamaCare deadlines we all became accustomed to during Obama’s Failed Second Term. —Your Friends at the IRS

After working on my taxes all weekend, I now have 1040 more reasons to hate the government. —Ken CamBoo

I just gave the DemocRAT National Committee your e-mail address for their fund-raising suckers’ list. — Nathan “Cornbread” Smith

Does anybody remember when all my staffers had to work until midnight at my H&R Doofus offices to help all my constituents get their taxes done? —Goof Doofus

Most people don’t have to keep their tax records for more than three years, but if we suspect you’re a tax cheat, we’ll make you produce every document from the day you were born. —Your Friends at the IRS

Please don’t forget to pay your taxes this year. All of us criminal immigrants (undocumented future DemocRATS) are depending on you. —Moises, Julio, Alfredo, and Jose

Until we have a simple flat tax without all that paperwork, over-paid members of Congress should be forced to fill out every one of their constituents’ tax forms for free. —Angry Over-taxed Payers

There should be no withholding. No phony “refunds.” If folks had to write really big checks on TAX DAY, people would actually know how much they’re paying. —Turbo-Taxers on a Rant

It’s a good thing they don’t hold every election on TAX DAY. —Tax-and-Spenders running for re-election

Trish the Dish wants to know exactly when everybody’s taxes are due. —TV 19 News

Sheree Paolello and Blondie Whalen were right. Clairol is deductible. —WCPO-TV Helicopter Reporter Dan Carroll (Formerly with TV 19)

The Whistleblower Newswire is churning out so many great e-ditions these days, our entire system was knocked off the air for a couple of hours Monday afternoon. —Go-Daddy

And if all of that isn’t newsworthy enough, let’s all watch me win the Liberal Liars Award when I tried to explain our “Voluntary Tax System.” —Disgraced DemocRAT Ex-U.S. Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid

 

Remember: We never print all the bad stuff we know and certain people ought to be damn glad we don’t, especially Hamilton County RINO Party Boss, Alex T., Mall Cop GOP.

         —  Whistleblower Official Weekly Disclaimer —

         Sometimes The Blower ridicules tax procrastinators to show that not filing your taxes on time is not acceptable in our society. This should be clear to anybody who didn’t file an extension.

          This publication is a work of fiction. Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is purely coincidental, especially our Procrastinators.

  TAX CHEATS HOTLINE

e-mail your dishonest deductions today.

Some less-than-honest items in today’s Blower were sent in by our less-than-honest items subscribers.

WHISTLEBLOWER OVER-TAXED PAYER VIDEO OF THE DAY

TurboTax: The Rap (Extended Version)

(Sent in by Whistleblower Faux Facebook Friend Ohio State Senator Bill “The Ethnic Cleanser” Seitz, showing us what he looks like on Tax Day.)

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