MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2014
It’s Not Yet an Official Holiday
Opening Day isn’t an official holiday on this year’s calendar, but maybe in Cincinnati it should be, because with all that hype, today will probably be one of the most unproductive local work days of the year. Not only that, COAST is probably still collecting signatures to persuade the City to make Opening Day an official holiday. With enough signatures a referendum could be put on the ballot this November.
It wasn’t so long ago the Reds were even able to get some really dignified important people to throw out the first pitch (Bush 41, Bush 43, and even Vice President Dick Cheney). Nine years ago, the best Señor Bob Castellini could get was Cincinnati’s Dainty DemocRAT Mayor Mark “Throws Like a Girl” Mallory to become the laughingstock of the entire nation.
Eight years ago, instead of honoring Joe Nuxhall with the first pitch, Devious DemocRAT Hamilton County Commissioner Odd Todd Opportune tried to bounce the ball up there.
Seven years ago, Jive Records recording artist Nick Lachey threw out the ceremonial first pitch.
Six years ago, retired Reds TV Broadcaster George Grande had the honor.
Five years ago, newly retired Cincinnati Police Chief Tom Streicher answered the call from the bullpen.
Four years ago, Senile Sheriff Si Leis had the honor.
Three years ago, Joe Torre, manager of Team USA in the 2013 World Baseball Classic, threw out the ceremonial first pitch, and everybody was wondering what kind of reception Rob “Fighting for Fungos” Portman would’ve gotten, especially after his recent coming out in favor of gay baseball players during Spring Training
Two years ago, Cincinnati Reds “Captains” Davy Concepción and Barry Larkin three out simultaneous first pitches.
Last year, the Nasty Boys (Norm Charlton, Rob Dibble, and Randy Myers) three out simultaneous first pitches prior to the Reds vs Pittsburg Pirates Opening Day, sparing everyone in Cincinnati the utter embarrassment of watching the new mayor, Diminutive DemocRAT John Cranley attempt to duplicate Mallory’s illustrious record.
And today, former Reds manager Lou Piniella threw out the ceremonial first pitch, but it might’ve been more fun to see if Sweet Lou could still throw a base into the outfield like he used to do whenever he got mad at the umpires.
Hurley the Historian says he remembers when Opening Day used to be really important, because the Reds always hosted Major League Baseball’s first game of the season. Now like everything else, MLB’s Opening Day could be imported from China. So much for “America’s Pastime,” baseball fans!
The fine folks at Kingsford Charcoal seem to agree, they say Opening Day used to be a time-honored tradition as old and revered as the league itself. This year, Opening Day is more like opening week – with games spread across three days. Or, in many cases, the more TV-friendly nighttime slots. This won’t do. We are asking the powers that be to let TV rule every other night of the season, but let Opening Day remain Opening DAY. 30 Teams. 15 Stadiums. One Glorious Afternoon. Kingsford wants you to sign their petition to Take Back Opening Day for the 2017 season. Sign their petition, and let’s play ball!
Now let’s see what our good friend Johnny Bench has to say:
First He’s sad about the loss of tradition, especially when it comes to America’s favorite pastime.
Then he’s disgusted by the way this season’s “Opening Day” is focused on television ratings and revenue.
Then he’s angry and wants you to sign the petition to Take Back Opening Day.
Meanwhile at the Conservative Agenda, Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane was still talking about that time in 1980 when Kane volunteered to line up publicity for then-26-year old Lexington native Keen Babbage’s legendary 14-day, 430-mile walk from the Rawlings Sporting Goods Company in St. Louis to bring the Opening Day baseball to Riverfront Stadium, so five-year-old Jason Edwards, the March of Dimes Poster Child, could throw out the first pitch to Johnny Bench.” That was before “Hype” became just another four-letter word.
