FRIDAY, MARCH 4, 2016

Tonight’s Really Big Story

Bernie Goldberg says, “Quick, what did Marco Rubio say about ISIS at the Republican presidential debate? What did Ted Cruz say about the national debt? Do you remember what John Kasich said about jobs? Don’t feel bad. Neither do I – and I was covering the debate. I don’t even remember if they were asked about ISIS and the national debt and jobs. But we all remember what Donald Trump said about the size of his penis.   

Other Presidential Penis Jokes The Blower Will Be Tracking Tonight Include:

NEW YORK POST’S DISGUSTING TRUMP COVER (The paper that calls Trump vulgar then goes on to make penis jokes to millions of New Yorkers.)

SIZES MATTERS: Just a little tip for aspiring politicians: Size really does matter. Finger size, that is. The size of Trump’s manhood has been a hot debate topic of late, ever since rival GOP contender Marco Rubio said that Trump’s small fingers mean he’s got a small something else. It sounds like total junk science, but there is a correlation between hand size and penis size — it’s just not the correlation you’d expect. According to a 2011 study in the Asian Journal of Andrology, guys with shorter index fingers than ring fingers are better endowed than guys with bigger index fingers. The study was conducted on men who were hospitalized for urological surgery. While the men were knocked out, scientists — with consent, of course —  measured their junk.

THE PRESIDENTIAL PENIS IN HISTORY: New Republic reports an obsession with the president’s phallus is a feature of American history long pre-dating Donald Trump. Every American president has had a penis. LBJ was obsessed with his dick. The possession of a generative member is, in fact, the one trait they all share. Some have been Whigs, some Democrats, and some Republicans. There have been slave-owning presidents and abolitionists, bearded presidents and clean-shaven ones, Easterners and Southerners. Almost all have been white, but at least one has been black. Yet all have been men. It’s not an accident that during the vicious presidential campaign of 1800 Thomas Jefferson accused John Adams of having a “hideous hermaphroditical character, which has neither the force and firmness of a man, nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.” Hermaphrodites are, of course, defined by their sexual organs.

BILL CLINTON SHOWS AMERICA HIS PENIS: CHARLOTTE, NC—During his speech Wednesday evening at the 2012 DemocRAT National Convention in downtown Charlotte, former U.S. president Bill Clinton finally just unzipped his fly and showed the entire country his penis. Sources at the convention told reporters that shortly after stepping onstage at the Time Warner Cable Arena, the 42nd president of the United States quieted the audience’s extended standing ovation with his raised hands and began to speak loudly and confidently. “My fellow Americans, for the past 20 years you have all, at various points, talked and thought about my penis, or at least heard direct or indirect references to my penis in news reports, in court records, or in the culture at large,” the former commander in chief said. “My penis has, in a sense, been a central part of American life for the better part of two decades. And yet, the nation has never seen it. Tonight, I’d like to finally change that.” “So should we just get this over with then?” the president asked the 20,000-member audience, as well as millions watching the nationwide telecast. “Should I show you my penis? [MORE]

SATURDAY’S REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL PENIS CAUCUSES IN KENTUCKY: (Republicans across Kentucky are preparing to head to the polls on Saturday for Kentucky’s first-ever Presidential Penis Caucus. Voters in Kentucky will go to a polling location, but instead of having to go stand in a certain part of the room, like some caucuses, they’ll simply cast a ballot for the Presidential Candidate They Think Has The Biggest Penis.)

Plus

“Crazy Eric” Deters, who’s always been a total prick, continues to claim to be Donald Trump’s Northern Kentucky’s Campaign Chairman for tomorrow’s Republican Presidential Penis Caucuses, is shown standing next to a life-size cutout of Donald Trump. More Penis News Later (Or Maybe Tomorrow Morning) From The Whistleblower Newsroom