SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2015

These Fictitious People Still Sound A Lot Like Some People We Know

         Here’s another column featuring the same sleazy 1980s characters at the satirical Patronage County Courthouse, to illustrate things going on hereabouts these days, so our Persons of Consequence might gain yet another useful perspective on the news.

These articles are Beloved Whistleblower Publisher Charles Foster Kane’s attempt to encourage undiscovered young writers, such as the struggling columnist below who shares his acute and surprisingly accurate take on local Politics as Usual in satirical Patronage County.

Fit to be Tied” by James Jay Schifrin

Last Monday in Patronage County, I went to the courthouse to bribe a commissioner.

The receptionist stopped doing her nails. “I’m sorry,” she said. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

On Tuesday, the receptionist cut short a personal phone call. “I’m sorry,” she smiled. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

Wednesday, I interrupted her morning nap. “I’m sorry,” she yawned. “Commissioner Pilfer is on vacation, Commissioner Filch is out of town, and Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

The same thing happened Thursday. The only difference was that she had to put down her “Playgirl” magazine to tell me Commissioners Pilfer and Filch were away, and Commissioner Swindle would be tied up all day.

By Friday, I’d had enough. “No excuses today!” I demanded, even before she could put down her coffee cup.”I understand Commissioner Pilfer is still on vacation and Commissioner Filch is out of town. But I won’t believe you when you tell me Commissioner Swindle will be tied up all day.”

“I’m sorry sir, but it’s all true,” she said. “Whenever Commissioners Pilfer and Filch are out of the office, they always tie up Commissioner Swindle before they leave.”

This op-ed column first appeared in the Mt. Washington Press on November 26, 1980.