MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 2015

A Royal Edict from Her Majesty

          As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilus.  The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi–in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

    Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and needs with you.

    How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of china, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by.

     During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had three million dollars to spend on her wedding and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting.

    So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after.

         And on September 10, you may attend my Royal Fund-Raiser in East Walnut Hills hosted by Jennie and Allan Berliant, the CEO of Hyde Park-based Best Express Foods and former member of President Barack Obama’s National Finance Committee. The cost is only $2,700 to hear me share my vision for an economy that helps everyday Ohioans get ahead and stay ahead, unless, of course, I’m indicted before then.