SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2015

Happy Paddlefest Tomorrow, Everybody

Tomorrow’s Paddlefest event on the Ohio River was postponed from June because of the wetness. It’s the day Liberal Loonies try to sell us down the river one more time, but organizer Brewster Rhoads says his annual heterosexual event is not to be confused with the annual Gay Paddlefest, when Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis gave each other some sensuous spankings at Sawyer Point. Cincinnati Clown-cil Gay Chris Squealback couldn’t wait to make his official opening announcement when he got to say, “Gentlemen, Start Your Spanking.”

Could you imagine the total confusion if Brewster’s Paddlefest was ever scheduled at the same time as the Gay Pride Weekend in Greater Cincinnati?

Anyway, Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass wasn’t sure if tomorrow was the Gay Paddlefest, so he e-mailed us his Gay Paddlefest Joke anyway: “What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.”

Our Good Friend Bobby Leach sent us this joke for Paddlefest: “Two canoeists were paddling down the river, when they hit a concrete wall. One looked at the other and said, dam!” Bobby says there are a lot more canoeist and kayaker jokes out there, but they’re all pretty awful.

Rob “Fighting for Flotation” Portman said he really missed his annual Paddlefest photo op earlier this year when the June event was postponed, just like every year for the previous thirteen years. The Robmesister used to take his Gay Son Will kayaking all the time. (The gay one’s on the left) Portman’s press secretary forgot to tell us if he’d be back for the real event this weekend, since he probably figures he has solid support from the gay kayaking community.

Kayakers need to remember to have somebody with a kayak trailer meet them at the finish line, or they’d be walking that 8.2 miles back upstream to Coney Island where they paid all that money to park their cars. If you don’t already have one, you could try looking online for reviews of different kayak trailers, such as the Ruff-Sport trailer for example, to see which one best suits you. That will save you having to walk back with your kayak!

At the same time in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders why the South Shore never gets any credit for Paddlefest or even a small share of all that “Paddling Capital of America” News Hype. “Doesn’t anybody know the wet part of the Ohio River is actually in our state, no matter what it got named?” The Camboozler asked.

Whistleblower Web Poll

This week, here’s what the first 17,648 Whistleblower Readers Poll respondents said will be the best part of this weekend’s Paddlefest Festivities:

(A) Making Cincinnati the Paddling Capital of America: 2%
(B) Paddling your kayak down the 8.2 miles to Public Landing: 1%
(C) Walking your kayak the 8.2 miles back to Coney Island where you parked your car: 1%
(D) Watching Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis paddle each other’s bottoms at the Gay Paddlefest at Sawyer Point: 96%

Note: Everything we write doesn’t have to be so damn cynical and mean-spirited, it’s just so much more fun that way!

PADDLEFEST HOT LINE

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Some safe-boating items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally safe-boating Whistleblower Subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.