SATURDAY, JUNE 20, 2015
No Paddlefest Today, Everybody
Today’s Paddlefest event on the Ohio River that was postponed until August because of the wetness, was supposed to be when Liberal Loonies tried to sell us down the river one more time, but organizer Brewster Rhoads says his annual heterosexual event is not to be confused with the annual Gay Paddlefest next week, when Ben Dover and Phil McKrevis plan to give each other some sensuous spankings at Sawyer Point.
It was even more confusing a couple of years ago when Brewster’s Paddlefest was scheduled at the same time as the Gay Pride Weekend in Greater Cincinnati.
Anyway, Citizens for Community Values President Phil Burr-Ass didn’t get the word about the cancellation and just e-mailed us his Gay Paddlefest Joke: “What do you call two lesbians in a canoe? Fur traders.”
Rob “Fighting for Flotation” Portman says he’ll really miss his annual Paddlefest photo op, too— just like every year for the past thirteen years.
The Robmesister used to take his Gay Son Will kayaking all the time. (The gay one’s on the left) Does that mean they’ll both be back for the Gay Pride Event next weekend?
At least kayakers won’t have to remember to have somebody with a kayak trailer meet them at the finish line, or they’d be walking that 8.2 miles back upstream to Coney Island where they paid all that money to park their cars.
At the same time in Northern Kentucky, Bluegrass Bureau Chief Ken CamBoo wonders why the South Shore will gets any credit for Paddlefest or even a small share of all that “Paddling Capital of America” News Hype. “Doesn’t anybody know the wet part of the Ohio River is actually in our state, no matter what it got named?” The Camboozler asked.
CANCELLED PADDLEFEST HOT LINE
e-mail your kayaking komments today
Some safe-boating items in today’s Blower were sent in by our equally safe-boating Whistleblower Subscribers, but let’s face it, we could always use a lot more.
“Happy Holiday” By James Jay Schifrin
This week in Patronage County, every politician took part in the 42nd Annual Patronage County Watergate Day festivities, and our three Corrupt County Commissioners were discussing how things went.
“We now have another paid legal holiday for politicians and bureaucrats, and the news media has another event to hype,” said Commissioner Filch. “June 17 has become a real reason to celebrate. Remember back in 1982 on the tenth anniversary of the Watergate break in when former President Nixon was even on hand to place a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Politician?”
“But now everybody’s trying to take credit for the holiday to commemorate the night five burglars in business suits bungled their way into the DemocRAT National Headquarters at the Watergate Hotel,” added Commissioner Pilfer. “Walter Cronkite even claimed the news media created it.”
“But no,” said Commissioner Swindle, speaking out of both sides of his mouth. “Public employees need a little more time off between Memorial Day and July 4. True, our people got to hand out literature in front of the polls on May 6, but primary elections don’t come along every day. We wanted something permanent—not like a temporary tax that you have to keep asking for.”
Still people disagree over the difference between what the new media causes. One editorial writer almost lost his job when he wrote that the Watergate investigation had been produced by the legislative and judicial branches of our government.
And still the controversy rages over who is responsible for Watergate Day. “A thousand years from now people will still remember,” Cronkite had predicted. “If you think the attack on Pearl Harbor was a day that will live in infamy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.”
“Corruption is the real cornerstone of our political system,” argues Swindle. “Without elected officials like us, the country would never be where it is today.”
This op-ed column first appeared in the feisty Mt. Washington Press personally edited by eminently renowned publisher Dennis Nichols on June 16, 1982, and has been updated with current references to fit the situation today.